In a recent post, I talked about how being called the “best of both worlds” has been painful for me. This label often comes with gender essentialism and othering, making it clear that the person doesn’t see me as a woman. It’s confusing, especially since, as a 35-year-old trans woman, I don’t usually feel my gender is questioned in daily life. In recent discussions about the often heteronormative dating patterns of some bisexual people, I’ve noticed that some people make a clear distinction between trans and cis women. For example, some men interested in trans women expect access to her genitalia. I’ve also noticed that some men will only date trans women who top. This leads to ongoing debates about trans chasing and whether there’s anything wrong with being attracted to pre- or non-op trans women.
I got this message from a reader who had some questions about his relationship after reading my post:
“Hi Kat, I saw your post about being dehumanized by bi people, and I wanted to reach out as I have been sent this by my trans gf, who suggested that I fetishize trans women as my only interactions with them have been sexually, and also wanting to be a bottom as time has passed in our relationship, which was something she is no longer comfortable doing. I want to understand how I can introspect into this myself further, and I wondered if you had any advice on where I can learn more about how my actions affect trans women in those ways.
I am aware that consumption of trans porn has affected me, and I have stopped consuming it. I have also ordered the books “Whipping Girl” and ” the transgender issue” as a start to read, but would appreciate anything else I could look at to be a better partner and not fetishize trans women. Thanks in advance if you do see this.”
Dear reader:
Thank you for your question. I’m glad that younger people are able to have these conversations and think about these issues carefully. It’s great that you reached out, and I see that as a positive step.
First, if your girlfriend feels fetishized, it’s important to listen to her. I’ll talk about the topic in detail, but in the end, you need to respect her boundaries and feelings. Even if your desires are valid, her boundaries and consent matter just as much. If you want a relationship with her, you need to respect that her body belongs to her. Your desires or curiosity don’t justify crossing her boundaries or pressuring her to do things she doesn’t want to do.
Second, there’s a clear difference between someone who is a “chaser” and someone who simply enjoys being with a trans woman. Many trans women feel deep discomfort about their genitalia, and focusing on that part can be very painful for them. It can feel like loving the thing that causes them the most struggle. Transgender porn often shows trans women in a certain way, with large penises and a focus on domination. The problem isn’t just that people find these themes exciting, but that many people only see us through the lens of porn. This affects how we’re treated and often leads to us being dehumanized and sexualized. For trans women who don’t share those desires, it can feel very isolating.
For example, recently I discovered that a bartender at the bar I sometimes go to for Karaoke on Sundays is a chaser. Chasers are honestly not hard to point out. When I figured out that he was a chaser, it didn’t exactly surprise me. Chasers often feel like they’re doing man-drag. He’d served my boyfriends and me many times. I’ve come in there during the day when he’s on the clock, and he seemed kind and respectful enough. However, this time he was off the clock. He was sloppily drunk, slapping the ass of the vibrant ethnic women standing at the bar next to me who had decided to twerk to some dude covering an early 2000s hip-hop song. He sauntered up next to me and started chatting me up. As you can imagine, I wasn’t impressed. He wasn’t a bad-looking guy, but he was quite piggish in this particular moment, and that feeling only deepened as he started asking me if I wanted to go home with him. When I said no to him, he was so confused. “Wanna come home with me” turned to “you wanna come home with meeeee…”, stated with a shit-stirring smirk. I entertained these conversations for far too long, but I essentially asserted that I’m fairly positive he and I aren’t compatible. That was much more than he deserved. As he tried to process why I could possibly reject him, he said, quite bluntly:
“Oh, is it because you have a big dick?”
-pause…
We never talked about me being transgender. Some people might guess that I’m a trans woman, but I don’t usually have that experience. It was strange that this was the first time it came up. Chasers are often so focused on trans women that they can tell who is transgender. He was truly confused when I turned him down, almost like he expected me to be interested. I wasn’t. The conversation was uncomfortable, so I left. He went back to bothering the other women of color in the room.
The issue with that guy wasn’t his interest in bottoming for a trans woman. Some trans women are happy to be seen as the best of both worlds or as tops, and there’s nothing wrong with that if both partners enjoy it. It’s also fine if someone prefers to bottom in a relationship. My problem is when people dehumanize me in the process. Many of the bi men I mentioned before have put me down for not wanting to top them. Some have told me I’m delusional for thinking a man would date me without that, or that no man would want a long-term relationship with me unless I topped them. I’ve told men clearly what I don’t want, only for them to ignore my boundaries once we’re in bed. They seem to think they can change my mind, even though I’ve said no. In those moments, my body becomes just a tool for their pleasure, and my own feelings don’t matter. Sadly, this is a common way fetishism shows up. I’ve often felt that some men who want to get away with sexual violence target trans women, especially black trans women, because they sexualize us as soon as they realize we’re trans.
It should be obvious, but treating someone like a porn category is very degrading. What I value about my boyfriends is that they took the time to really know me. I’ve dated men who only saw me through stereotypes and punished me for not fitting them. When someone expects your body to fulfill a specific sexual desire, it’s emotionally upsetting and leaves little room for you to be yourself. The relationship feels transactional when someone is upset that the person they objectify has their own needs. I couldn’t physically penetrate anyone, so it’s especially hurtful when people fetishize me and then get angry when I say no. Too many people have expected me to change my mind in the bedroom, which has made it hard to trust that my partners are truly attracted to me. These experiences have real effects, and if you want a loving relationship with a trans woman, you need to understand how common this is. Chasers often don’t care about our feelings, but they know how to say the right things to get what they want from trans women with low self-esteem.
I don’t think you’re fetishizing trans women just because you’ve only had sexual encounters with a trans woman so far. Hooking up doesn’t mean you wouldn’t date them, and some trans women like casual sex, which is fine. You’re not fetishizing someone just because you don’t want a long-term relationship. However, if you find yourself concluding that trans women have less romantic value to you, and you rely on the taboo of transphobia to get off, you just might be fetishizing a trans woman.
I’ve had boyfriends in the past who never took me out in public. Maybe your girlfriend sent you this because you haven’t really taken her out on a date. If your whole relationship has stayed inside your home or dorm, she might feel hurt that you’re not comfortable treating her like you would a cis woman. I don’t know the details of your relationship, but that’s the impression I get. If you’re dating a trans woman, your relationship shouldn’t be mostly sexual. You may very well be the guy who doesn’t take women out at all, even when they’re cis. If that’s the case, then you can explain that to her, and from there she should decide whether or not that will work for her.
For me, it’s simple. Fetishists often think trans women are more sexual and more open to sex than cisgender women. But you don’t need to read Whipping Girl to know that nobody wants to be treated like an object. Just wanting us isn’t enough, and that desire isn’t special. If you see trans women as people, not as porn or stereotypes, it’s much easier to avoid making us feel fetishized.
Calling trans women the best of both worlds is hurtful because it misgenders us and shows a sexist view of gender. It reduces us to being beautiful women with penises and ignores post-op trans women. Fetishists sometimes even discourage trans women from having surgery. Fetishism puts sexual preference above the well-being of the person being objectified.
You can reflect by being honest about how you see the differences between trans and cis women. If you feel you could only stay with your girlfriend if she tops you, you might be fetishizing trans women. If you’re fine being the only one who penetrates in the relationship with a cis woman, ask yourself why that wouldn’t work with a trans woman. If bottoming is so important that you’d struggle to be with a cis woman who wouldn’t do it, that’s a different situation to me. Trans women often feel fetishized because men frequently choose to hide their fetishes from cis women, but they expect that we will accept them because we are transgender. The idea that we deserve less respect because we are transgender is transphobia, and phobia is often twisted into fetish. You should be able to have the preferences you want, and your partners should support you. For some trans women, always being asked to top can make us resentful, but there’s nothing wrong with wanting that, and some trans women do prefer to top. The key is to communicate your desires clearly and early, and be honest about them. Sometimes ending things with someone you’re not compatible with can lead to a better, deeper connection with another person.
Hope this was helpful! Sound off in the comments if you have additional thoughts and insight!
Got a question you think I have an answer for? Send it me, and if I do, I just may!
