This morning, I received an inquiry from a reader involving fetishism, non-monogamy, and sex positivity. Since this Reader Request neatly tied together many of my previous posts, I figured I would take the time to respond here on my blog to reinforce and clarify some of my points.

Hi kat, I just finished your recent video about fetishizing trans women and although I think your observations were great and perfectly Interchangeable for any sex or gender expression, I was wondering if you had specific thoughts about bisexual women who are interested in trans women and or polyamory. I’m in a monogamous relationship with a cishet man and I’d like to open things up. we’ve talked about it and he’s been verbally supportive but he clearly is nervous about the whole thing. Sometimes I wonder if Im self sabotaging by wanting to open up a perfectly healthy relationship but idk it’s just something I keep going back to. I just don’t want to end up one of those sad resentful women who never lived life to their fullest potential. I’d happily marry him and fulfill all the plans we’ve made when the time is right, but idk if I can just shut this part of me off and never explore it at all. Thank you for your time, hope I related my thoughts to each other well.

Dear Reader,

Firstly, thank you so much for supporting my work and watching my content. Below is the video version of my previous Reader Response, where I responded to the boyfriend of a transgender woman, and defined what I personally would describe as fetishizing transgender women.

There are a few things that I want to sort through in my response, but I wanted to give you my first impression of this so that you can understand how many of the transgender people you approach are likely to respond. To be completely frank, I am getting some chaser vibes from this message, and I want to explain why, as I get the impression that this may not be your intent.

Non-Monogamy, Commitment and Fetishism

I wrote extensively about this in my initial post about being fetishized by couples who’ve recently opened up their marriages explicitly to explore their bisexuality, and often their attraction to transgender women. These couples are typically seeking what I describe as the “shemale fantasy”; a porn-informed experience where a beautiful woman with a large penis is eager to penetrate and satisfy their partner, who ultimately sees what they’re doing as deeply taboo and thus, deeply erotic. While I believe that desire for a transgender woman’s body is morally neutral, and not inherently fetishistic, what I’ve discovered is that frequently these couples don’t want to be honest about how they truly feel.

Many of them approach trans women with what they think are their best intentions. They do not want to feel as if they’re exploiting someone, so they add fluffy, flowery language to their approach, and sometimes that’s good enough to get a trans woman to maybe entertain the premise that this person may truly be interested in them. However, with the post-nut-clarity that comes once they’ve had the experience they’ve dreamed of, they often want very little to do with the trans person in question. There have been many times when someone suggested they wanted a romantic relationship with me, only to realize they were just trying to experience me. Quite clumsily, they had to figure out a way to end the relationship, while maintaining what they imagined would be a positive impression. Some of these people are either turned off by the reality or feel like they’ve simply had the experience and may not want to have it again with you. While this is completely valid for someone’s own sexual exploration, for transgender women, these stakes often feel much higher because we are so deeply objectified by society that when rejection appears in our lives like this, it feels like we’re being treated like a defective purchase that needs to be returned. Transgender people often have partners who feel they are somehow doing transgender people a favor by giving them attention or complimenting them, but it’s important to recognize that transgender people also have their own needs and desires, and most of us do not really find it validating that someone wants to sleep with us or objectify us in the long term. Before opening your relationship, you should really think about what that actually looks like. Do you want a little fun on the side, or are you interested in knowing and loving your transgender partners? Being clear about what form of non-monogamy you’re taking is incredibly important.

Being the subject of people’s sexual experimentation really hurt me because I wasn’t looking for sexual experimentation. My form of non-monogamy is polyamory. Polyamory means “many love,” meaning that for me, romantic love feels expansive. When I love one person, it isn’t impossible for me to love another. As of now, I have three long-term partners whom I all love. They know each other, are cool with each other, and get along mostly because they love me and sorta have similar personalities. I have different commitments to them, but there is no hierarchy. Schedules may conflict, but I do not prioritize one particular partner over another. Those who do prioritize certain partners and would call themselves polyamorous are hierarchical polyamorists. It sounds to me like any transgender woman in your life would have to accept that they come second to your partner because of your sexual interest in them. Holding this unique and delicate space for your cis male partner while limiting your trans woman partner to a purely sexual role will indeed come off as if you’re fetishizing a transgender person because you are only creating a sexual space for them to exist in your life. Perhaps your form of nonmonogamy functions that way, but that may not be appealing to trans women who desire a deeper and more romantic type of ethical non-monogamy.

Sometimes, as we conceptualize what a non-monogamous lifestyle looks like, our fantasies do not align with our reality. Couples attempting to add a new person to their relationship will often find that, especially if they are of different genders, they rarely find someone who is attracted to both of them. This is why a person who is attracted to both partners is usually called a “unicorn” because they are a rarity. Many unicorns who are welcomed into a relationship will initially be excited at the prospect of dating a couple, but will be disappointed when they calculate that said couple truly only sexually desires them. Many unicorns have gone on to argue that they’ve felt as if they were being used as a sex toy, and the relationship ends poorly, often with a lot of drama. Typically, it goes that way because of miscommunication. You have a couple who wanted to open up but wanted to do it the “right” way; they often put the cart before the horse and crash and burn because they rush into non-monogamy without fully processing that the people they involve are also people with relationship goals. Listen to Unicorns share their personal stories with couples here.

I was once the girlfriend of a married man who pushed his wife to open their relationship so he could explore his sexuality, which he felt was limited by monogamy. In my last post, I talked about my ex, David. He fetishized me, and when his sex drive dropped, he found it hard to justify spending time with me. Our relationship was intense and sometimes controversial, but when it ended, he seemed finished with me. When he left the country because he was afraid of genocide and didn’t include me in his plans, it became obvious that, despite his progressive talk, he only wanted me around when I fulfilled his sexual needs. He wanted to be seen as ethical, but I had to face the fact that he fetishized me and didn’t care about my well-being. If I had realized he was only interested in me for that reason, I wouldn’t have spent so much time with him. What really bothered me was that he didn’t value my goals or respect that we wanted different things. He wanted the experience of being with a trans woman, but when things got difficult, he left me in the states to face genocide while he protected his family. I think the first step to building productive intimacy with a trans woman is respecting that she is deserving of safety and understanding as you are. The often condescending attitude of those who fetishize trans women would not really exist in a culture that granted that trans women also have desires of their own. If you want to be intimate with a trans woman, you should be honest and clear about your feelings, instead of pretending to want what she wants just to get what you want.

David and his wife called themselves polyamorous, but their relationship was really more of an open relationship. People often confuse these terms, so I always ask for clarity before starting something new. Open relationships usually happen when one partner feels they aren’t sexually compatible with their partner and wants to explore that. These relationships are often focused on sex, not love. On our first few dates, I made it clear that I was seeking love, but David was mainly interested in me for sex. At the end, it bothered me when they called themselves polyamorous, since they were really looking for friends to have sex with, not romantic partners. Polyamory is about love, even though polyamorous people can have casual sex too. Usually, love is still possible, unlike in many open relationships. David did nice things for me and showed he cared, but his main love was for his wife and kids. When he left the country without me, that made it clear. Our breakup was sudden and painful. If you just want more sexual partners to have fun with, you don’t need to call that polyamory, or even better, you can specify that you do not have romantic feelings for trans women if that is how your sexuality functions. Sure, you’re going to be rejected and maybe even challenged on your ideas, but many of us who are polyamorous do not want to devote our energies and time to people who are more monogamously minded, who choose to treat everyone who isn’t their primary partner like they exist to play a role in their lives and their relationship. Polyamory is a popular word, but it means something real to those of us who live it.

It doesn’t seem like you and your future husband are looking for a third partner, and it sounds like your partner isn’t really interested in you exploring non-monogamy beyond sex. You need to seriously consider how important your desires are and whether ending the relationship might make you both happier in the long run. When I was in a monogamous relationship, I was curious about polyamory and non-monogamy, but I wasn’t sure if I was truly polyamorous. One of the main reasons I broke up with my ex was because I realized he needed monogamy to be happy. He wouldn’t have been comfortable with me having other partners or sharing my love. Even though I loved him, I knew my desires didn’t match his. If I had stayed, we might have gotten married, but I would have been miserable. Maybe it would have felt good at first to imagine marriage and that lifestyle, but deep down, I knew I wouldn’t be happy with his version of it. Because I loved him, I let him go. Now, I think we’d both agree it was for the best. Last I heard, he was happily married, and I’m glad for him. I loved him a lot, and it makes me happy that he found someone who shares his idea of love and romance.

You should ask yourself whether the “extra” people in your life are there just to meet your needs, or to be in a relationship where both of you feel valued. Some trans women are interested in being with cis women who haven’t been with a trans woman before, but most of us are tired of being fetishized. What bothers me about many cis people’s attraction to trans women is that it often ignores what most trans women actually experience. Many trans women have strong bottom dysphoria, even if they don’t have surgery. Hormones usually cause a decrease in penis size and function. When cis people assume that trans women have large, functional penises, it’s upsetting because most trans women don’t want that or can’t do that. Being able to get an erection often shows whether a trans woman’s anti-androgen medication is working to lower testosterone, which is the goal for most trans women on HRT. Testosterone affects how your genitals work. Trans porn stars sometimes use supplements or adjust their hormones to perform. Still, some trans women do enjoy topping, so it’s not impossible to find what you’re looking for; but I think you’ll have the easiest time looking for it with honest and clear communication of your desires.

Communication, Honesty, and Cutting Through The Bullshit

It’s understandable to worry about fetishizing trans women, but wanting casual sex doesn’t always mean you’re fetishizing someone. Many trans women are seen only in a sexual way, which can be harmful. Sometimes I don’t tell people I’m transgender to avoid being fetishized right away. If you want to date or have relationships with trans women, be honest and open from the beginning. Your main relationship will affect how things go. Be very clear about your intentions and limits. If you’re unsure about being attracted to a trans woman’s body, say so. If you’ve never been with a trans woman, say so. If you don’t know how to start, say so. Honest and clear communication is the best way to build trust in any relationship, but especially with a trans woman who is often going to feel lied to.

I’m going to write an example of how I think you can communicate your current desires, and I’d like to hear what other transgender readers think about it.

Hello there! I saw your profile, and I read that you are transgender. I wanted to introduce myself, and see if you’re comfortable with what I’m currently looking for:
I am partnered to a man whom I love very dearly, and he recently gave me the greenlight to explore my bisexuality and seek partners who are not cis men. We are still very much figuring out what non-monogamy means to us, and right now, I’d say I’m mostly curious about the sexual side of non-monogamy. Full transparency, I’ve never been with a transgender woman, and it’s something that I’ve wanted to potentially explore with you. I’ve been curious about being penetrated by a transgender woman. It’s something I’ve really wanted to explore, and if it’s something you’re open to, I think you’re gorgeous, and I was wondering if you were interested in exploring that with me.

You might get different reactions to this message, so I suggest only sending it to a transgender woman who has said she wants to dominate or top. Since trans women are often approached for sex, many of us make our preferences clear in our dating profiles and can feel frustrated if you ask us to top after we’ve said we’re not interested. Most cis people interested in trans women should understand that many trans women have complex feelings about their bodies, and that what you see in pornography isn’t real life. It’s best to assume this is a sensitive topic, especially if it’s your main focus. I sometimes wish that men I’ve dated, who seemed confident and open to being with transgender women, had just been honest about their lack of experience and their limits when it came to long-term relationships. Polyamorous people often explore sexually, but if you’re only interested in a trans person to help you explore, it’s important to be clear so they know what they’re agreeing to. Some people will always think you’re a fetishist if your main reason for being with a trans woman is wanting both male genitalia and feminine traits. Still, it’s very important to be honest about your intentions, your limits, and what you are or aren’t willing to do, even if it might make others uncomfortable.

Looking back on my own sexual exploration, it was often messy. There are things I tried that I never want to do again, and some experiences left a strong impact on me. Sadly, I mostly experienced trauma from realizing that many people I slept with didn’t care if I was really present. My body was just a way for them to explore their own desires. These experiences have caused me great heart. They were dehumanizing, and historically, the trauma from them has caused me to withdraw sexually. If you don’t want to be part of why a trans woman feels that way, you should let her define herself instead of wanting her to slip into a role you’ve already imagined. It botheres me so much how open I am about not wanting to dominate or top and how often people insist on asking me if I’m sure I don’t want to realize their fantasy because they cannot imagine me doing anything else with them than that.

Actionable Steps

Before you do anything, talk with your partner about what non-monogamy means for both of you. Opening up your relationship could end it, and I’ve seen that happen many times. Sometimes, people find new partners who are a better fit, which can be difficult. Ask yourself why you want to be in this relationship and marriage with this cis man. Is it for legal reasons, or for the social acceptance that comes with being seen as a ‘heterosexual’ couple? I know many married polyamorous people, and the most successful ones are open about exploring multiple relationships. Aside from unicorn hunting, couples who explore ethical non-monogamy together often end up stronger. I find that those who date separately, but keep communication open, often have more productive relationships and more thriving polycules.

I met Alexander at Poly Cocktails Los Angeles, a polyamory social event. He was there with his wife and her boyfriend. We connected, and things went from there. I’m his first transgender partner, and I know we work well together because he was attracted to me before he knew I was trans, and he wasn’t bothered by it. He didn’t fetishize me or focus on the fact that I was trans. He liked me for who I am and pursued me. You can have a marriage and still go after what you want, but finding a supportive community is key. Getting to know people socially is also very important. I’m not saying you should make trans friends just because you’re sexually curious about them. But if you live somewhere with events like munches, try going to one focused on ethical non-monogamy. Talk to others who are exploring non-monogamy, and keep your partner informed; better yet, involve him in these conversations. Taking things slowly helps you avoid making promises you can’t keep.

If you can’t attend events in person, there are online support groups you can find through apps like Plura. Being part of a community with other non-monogamous people is important, and sometimes you’ll meet a trans woman who matches what you’re looking for. You can have a casual sexual relationship if that’s what you want, but in my experience, the best sex has been with men who see me as a whole person. My previous experiences with fetishism meant that It took me a while to trust that my partners weren’t fetishizing me, but actually cared about me. Only recently have I started to feel like I’m moving forward and learning new things about sex positivity because I feel that I have their clear trust and love. Having a partner who wants to be with you because they care about you is very different from being with someone who just wants to use your body. Not being treated like an object has helped me open up. It’s a great feeling, and you can experience it too if you communicate clearly and honestly, even if it’s not well-received.

That’s all I have to say! Please share your thoughts for this reader in the comments below.

Do you have a question you’d like me to answer?

(Blog thumbnail is a photograph of Nathan and I by my friend, @Mypolyamlife)

Despite TikTok’s controversies, its algorithm excels at connecting me with other transgender content creators. As a long-time transgender content creator, I’ve often felt like I was on my own, having these conversations by myself, and it’s been nice to know that I’m not alone. Frequently, we use the internet to start conversations about our interpersonal relationships, and transgender women often feel misunderstood when it comes to their pursuit of romance. It’s for that reason that I’ve spoken openly about my romantic life, often sharing the good, the bad, and the ugly. Recently, I shared some of what I think is my best dating advice for transgender women, using the content of TikTok creators to frame my advice, while sharing what I’ve learned from my own romantic pitfalls. While my polyamory may not exactly be relevant to most of my readers’ personal lifestyles, I figured I would share what I’ve learned about dating men that’s led me to long-term partnerships I once thought were completely impossible for transgender women. I wanted to summarize and expand upon some of what I said in that video in this blog post.

Now that I’m 35, I’ve spent much of my life dealing with men who are interested in transgender women. Over the years, I’ve noticed patterns in how these men act, and I feel it’s important to be honest about what I’ve seen. If you’re a trans woman new to dating men, you should know that some men seek out trans women because they think we have lower self-esteem and are easier to manipulate. In a society that puts men first, women’s needs often get pushed aside. Men may say what they think you want to hear just to get what they want, and their needs usually come first. I’ve had times where I gave myself to someone and was left wondering why he didn’t follow through on his promises. Some straight men act like they’re doing you a favor by giving you attention. They enjoy the experience of a woman vying for his attention. Most men never experience that. Often, men who are ignored by cis women end up being pursued by trans women. Sometimes, all a man has to do is act a little masculine and straight, and that alone makes him desirable to trans women. I remember when some Men’s Rights Activists questioned if trans women were a real long-term option in a world where they claimed women had “lost” their femininity. Men who say they prefer trans women often claim it’s because we’re “more” feminine than cis women. My advice is: don’t let that go to your head.

Misogynistic Chaser Triangulation: “You’re More Feminine Than Most Women”

The Facial Femmes recently talked about how, when they share their dating experiences with their straight, cisgender friends, they often get questioned about the sexuality of men who are attracted to transgender women. While there are many bisexual people who want to date and love trans women, in my experience, most men who are interested in me identify as straight. Despite what some people think, straight men make up most of the dating pool for transgender women, and dating them often means dealing with their ideas about their own sexuality. Some men claim to prefer trans women, but still date cis women and often end up in relationships with them. Straight men might say they only dated a cis woman because you weren’t around, but usually, they’re with her because they want to be, and oftentimes, they are gaining something from the relationship. When most of your options are straight men, it’s hard not to notice how many use women to keep up appearances. Even men who say they prefer trans women are often already with a cis woman they don’t plan to leave. Many trans women meet closeted or “DL” men who don’t want anyone to know they’re with a trans woman, even though they claim to prefer us. When I started insisting that men take me out on real dates, it weeded out those who only wanted something casual. It helped me see who was serious and who wasn’t. I learned that actions matter more than words. Once you’re confident enough not to take it as a compliment when someone says you’re more feminine than a cis woman, you start to see that these men are using misogyny and hoping you’ll accept it.

At first, being objectified can feel validating, especially if you’re a trans woman who hasn’t faced much direct misogyny before. It’s easy to see catcalling in movies and think it’s a compliment when someone whistles at you. But in real life, it’s much more harmful. Catcalling comes from a sense of entitlement, not genuine interest. When men say things like, “smile, sweetheart,” they’re asking you to please them, even if you’re unhappy. Misogyny can seem normal because it’s so common, so I understand why some trans women might not notice it in compliments that compare them to cis women. But to me, it’s not subtle at all. These comments are really about valuing women for how they look to men, and many men aren’t shy about their misogyny. It’s important for trans women to notice when their partners are being misogynistic, because misogyny is at the root of transphobia. Men who say trans women are more attractive than cis women often believe only those who appeal to straight men are truly women, and this idea was even used in the past to decide who got medical care. Misogynistic men are often abusive, and when they try to get you to agree with their views, they’re trying to separate you from other women.

I believe it’s crucial for trans women to understand misogyny, because it affects us too. It was disappointing to hear The Facial Femmes accept this way of thinking, but I know it’s a common phase for many trans women. Chasers often give too much praise because they know many trans women are hungry for validation. If you let it go to your head, you become easier to manipulate. Men who say they prefer you because you don’t have periods or are “better” at femininity are being dishonest and misogynistic. It’s not about your looks, but about their hope that you’ll dislike other women and not notice their manipulation. That’s an insult to your intelligence, and it says a lot. There are many glamorous cis women who are great at presenting femininity, but they usually have higher self-esteem and higher standards, which is why some men turn to trans women, hoping for less effort. Too many amazing trans women settle for less just to feel validated.

The Power Dynamic of Disclosure: How Our Objectification Disrupts Patriarchy

Samantha Evangelista’s open conversation with a man attracted to trans women touched on the common conflict transgender women face in a culture where objectification is so normal that just being in a room as a woman who isn’t appealing to a straight man can be dangerous. She shares her own experiences with this in nightlife, and in my video, I tell a short story about a man who got angry with me when he suspected I was transgender, and I didn’t tell him because I wasn’t attracted to him.

Not long ago, some cis women were sharing a “hack” to get men to leave them alone. The idea was to tell men you’re transgender so they would be repulsed and walk away. When I saw this online, it annoyed me because I know from experience that it doesn’t always work that way. If you look cis, men might think you’re lying, just like when women say they have a boyfriend to get men to leave them alone. If they do believe you, many cis women would be surprised by how few men actually care when they’re attracted to you. It’s also not true that telling a man will protect you from sexual assault. In my experience, it’s often after I tell a man I’m transgender that he becomes more sexually aggressive. When Ron Jeremy sexually assaulted me, he put his hand on my crotch and felt around before assuming I was telling the truth. There are many misconceptions about how men react to this information. Still, it’s true that most heterosexual men feel anxious about finding out that a woman they’re attracted to is transgender.

In my video, I share a story about a man I wasn’t attracted to who got upset with me for being transgender because he was attracted to me. My rule is that I don’t want to be intimate with anyone who doesn’t know I’m transgender. This is not just for my safety, but also for my own sexual happiness. Straight men often think trans women are trying to “trick” them, and many truly believe that the main reason transgender women transition is to satisfy men’s sexual desires. This idea comes from a misogynistic culture that sees femininity as existing only for men. That’s why men often comment on how much makeup a woman wears and whether it’s pleasing to men, as if that’s what matters. Because many men can’t imagine a woman existing without wanting to be desired by men, trans women often have to explain that they don’t exist just for men’s attention. This leads to the assumption that transgender women’s gender expression is always sexual. Of course, this is also a common assumption about feminine gender expression in general, but in a patriarchal culture, it is seen as a unique violation for someone assigned male at birth to be feminine enough to be objectified by a heterosexual man. So trans women are seen as uniquely predatory in a culture that doesn’t want to stop objectifying women.

The story I share in the video comes from my current stage of polysaturation, where I feel I have as many partners as I can handle. For the most part, I’m not interested in meeting new men for romantic or sexual connections, and if I were, this guy wouldn’t have been a good fit. What surprised me was that even after I told him I wasn’t interested and didn’t find him attractive, he was still upset that I didn’t introduce myself as Kathryn, The Transsexual. When he showed interest in me, he was really using me to boost his masculinity in front of others. This happens to me a lot because I’m a bit of a lone wolf when I’m not with my partners. Men often approach me, and some even ask for my number; not because they’re truly interested, but because they want to look good in front of others. In these situations, I’m expected to play along, be agreeable, and make them look good in a group. Men have often made me feel responsible for their image and pressured me to act in ways that make them look better, even if it goes against what I want. When I’ve dated men like this, it meant taking a back seat in my own life. My needs and desires never came first. Trans women are pressured to uphold patriarchy both by men who don’t desire them and want them to out themselves, and by men who do desire them but don’t want to lose the social standing that comes with being seen as a straight, cis man. He might say he’s angry with me for not telling him, but really, he’s upset that he objectified me in public and now his friends know he’s attracted to more than just cis women. He blames me, but it’s not actually my fault.

My partner, Alexander, did not know that I was transgender when we met, and he wouldn’t find out until I made a Facebook post referencing it before our first date. When I had a conversation with him about it on the second date, I was relieved that he didn’t care, but I also wasn’t hiding it; I just wanted to be clear with him because I was interested in pursuing a long-term relationship. While I am no longer stealth, the reality is that it’s impossible to know me and not eventually find out that I’m trans. The idea of dating a person long-term, who doesn’t know, is, in my opinion, a delusional fantasy not frequently found in reality. I can count on one hand the number of conversations Alexander and I have had about me being transgender, but part of being my partner is knowing that about me and accepting it. When you withhold that information while pursuing a relationship with a man, you place yourself in an inequitable position. There have been many times in the past when I pursued a man while trying to convince him of the fact that I am not the embodiment of all the negative conceptions people have of trans women. Suddenly, the relationship would only progress if he could accept that I was just like every other woman. It was an unwinnable game, not because I’m not a woman, but because ultimately it was always something that could be used against me. Playing into that game meant the relationship was no longer mutual, and the most important thing was whether I performed my role correctly. A relationship where your actions are constantly surveilled and measured for value is not one that engenders intimacy.

He’s Gotta Do More Than Take You Out

In my recent video, I shared a clip from trans creator Babygirl Allie, who noticed that the trans men in the hospital she visited seemed to have more success with long-term relationships. Many trans women believe that trans men are more accepted in society than trans women. I don’t fully agree with this, but I can see how cis women partnered with trans men might be more supportive in the hospital than cis men who date trans women. Many cis women have experienced getting sick and having their partners pull away, not being as present as they hoped. From what I’ve seen, cis men raised in a patriarchal environment are more likely to see women as a utility, which is why they often pull away when things get inconvenient. On the other hand, women are often raised to believe that caretaking is their responsibility. I’ve noticed that cis women are often more open to dating trans people of any orientation than cis men. In the past, I’ve thought my romantic life would be easier if I dated women, because it seemed like cis women were more comfortable dating me than cis men. I believe that since cis women don’t benefit from patriarchy the way cis men do, the stigma they face is different and often less severe. I’ve also known many cis men dating trans men, and most of those men identified as straight and didn’t like that their partner was medically transitioning. When it comes to trans men, I’ve noticed that cis women tend to be more affirming than cis men, and trans men who date cis men often struggle. Beyond that, this made me want to remind everyone that there’s more to choosing a partner than just making sure they’re willing to be seen with you in public.

I dated a married polyamorous guy, let’s call him David. At one point, I probably would have said David was the ideal guy. He took me out on dates, was proud to be with me, and I even met his kids and wife. We dated for quite a while, and I enjoyed most of it, but things changed when the pandemic hit. David is Jewish, and during the first Trump administration, he was afraid of persecution and decided to take his whole family out of the country. He only told me about these plans after he’d already made them, leaving me out. I understood that he would put his wife and kids first, but I was surprised that I wasn’t considered at all. It really bothered me that as he worried about the possibility of genocide, he didn’t think of me, even though I’m at a higher risk. We were fluid-bonded, and I trusted him with my body, but he was willing to leave me behind to save himself. We broke up soon after.

When you’re first starting to date, it might seem hard to find men who want to take you out and treat you well, but trust me, you will find them. When you do, remember that you’re valuable enough for that to be the starting point, not the definitive reason to enter into a relationship. I had to date a lot to realize there are plenty of men who are comfortable being seen with me in public and showing we’re attracted to each other. It felt novel to me for longer than it should have. In the end, I realized I needed to be with men who were truly willing to go the distance with me.

Alexander and I started dating right before the pandemic. As I talked with him about this blog and remembered my experience with David, he recalled me venting to him about it back then. Alexander is also married, but he and his wife make a real effort to include me in their life plans. Like David, I’m Alexander’s first transgender partner, but he liked me as a person and was interested in me before he knew that about me. Alexander admired my personality and how I carried myself, and that didn’t change once he knew. During the pandemic, Alexander would visit me, fully masked, and we’d stay socially distant while he brought me groceries and checked in to make sure I was okay during quarantine. Now, we feel a bit nostalgic for that time when we were still getting to know each other, but already cared a lot for each other. When my father died, he paid for Edward and me (my family loves Edward) to go to Boston and handle my dad’s affairs. It might sound basic, but as a trans woman, I’ve often felt it was impossible for a man to value me that much, even in these simple ways. I had to start believing I was worthy of it to receive it.

Edward and I started dating after quarantine, and out of all my partners, he probably does the most for me. When I stepped on a needle and needed it pulled out, he waited with me in the ER for 12 hours. He got up and advocated for me while I was in pain, and held my hand as the doctor removed it. Again, that might sound basic, but I’ve learned that many men will disappear as soon as things get hard and you ask to be treated like a real person.

Sometimes we want relationships before we really think about who we’ll be in them. It’s not a coincidence that my relationships are going well now. I’ve learned that a man who wants you to feel good when he puts down other women will eventually put you down, too. Fetishists can rarely keep up the act for long, and there are plenty of reasons besides being transgender to be careful about sharing intimacy with a man. As you develop a stronger sense of self, you’re more likely to attract partners who add to your life, not take away from it. I believe the key to finding a partner is being content with who you are when you’re single. For transgender women, that might take time, but having a strong sense of self is how you attract the right partners and keep your identity in a relationship. It’s easy to feel left out when you’re not dating like everyone else, but I didn’t find my current partners until I started my journey of self-discovery in LA and began living in a way that felt true to me. I don’t go around announcing that I’m transgender, but it’s not a secret I’m hiding either. By living authentically, no one can use who I am against me.

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Recently, I’ve made a conscious effort to reconnect with my creativity, and one of the first things I wanted to do was create new merchandise for my YouTube channel. It just so happens that I’m also in the market for new clothes after losing a bunch of weight. So when I sat down to design my merch, I decided that instead of creating typical influencer merch, I’d make something I’d actually wear. I’ve always found content creator merch not exactly something that resonates with me. I know money is tight for a lot of people, and I wanted to design things that would be cute and interesting, even to someone who knew nothing about me. Additionally, I wanted to create things that truly honored who I was and the ideas I promote. So, naturally, when I sat down to sketch some of my first designs, I drew a skull and crossbones.

After my first batch of underwhelming merch and some feedback from Patreon members, I sat down to do this sketch on the back of my patio with a ballpoint pen. The past few years have been a lot of self-reflection for me. Losing my parents has made me somewhat nostalgic. I’ve started to remember the time in my life when I was perhaps the most authentic version of my weirdness. A time when I loved dressing up in a pirate-esc look and had truly started to embrace my alternative style. It sounds really trite, but I used to soothe myself by sketching skulls on paper during class. Yeah, I was one of those kids. Back then, I lived in hoodies and bandanas, and I was pretty obsessed with stripes. In the age of AI, it felt nice to scribble on paper, in such an imperfect but committed medium. I’ve always loved sketching with a ballpoint pen. If you look closely, you’ll see that I only drew half of it and then mirrored it in Photoshop to work on the line art. This era we’re in has made me appreciate my ability and just how much I can do with a simple drawing. After cleaning up the illustration and creating several different colorways, I decided to order my first samples, and I was overjoyed with the results!

The moment I started trying stuff on, I knew that I was ready to release. There were some things we had to change, and I’m still sorting through some of our issues, but in general, I was really happy with the quality of the items I was able to create through Fourthwall. If you’re a content creator looking for a new platform to create your merch, I cannot suggest them enough!!. Every design I’ve released so far is print-on-demand. I design the art, and Fourthwall does all the printing and shipping for me. I wanted to order a bunch of samples to ensure everything in my store felt and looked good. I would say my only main gripe with my items is that all sublimated items (the flares, the hoodies, some of the shirts) have a white background/inside. Meaning that with stretchy material, the white sometimes shows through the designs. It’s a little annoying, but I don’t think it ruins the garments. It does mean that I tend to like the lighter items that are sublimated. I put a lot of white in the design for my red remix hoodie because it helps balance the design out a bit.

Now, I’ve gotta be honest, I’ve developed a bit of a problem. I’ve created so many items…and I want them all. I basically live in my own merch these days!

Right now, I’d say I am pretty obsessed with the flares, the bikinis, and the hoodies. Together, they make a pretty cool tracksuit. I’ve been wondering about creating bundles and selling them as just that! When it comes to the flares, I would say order a size down if you want them to fit snug, order your size if you want the ability to fold over the waistband.

If you purchased something from my store, I am so very thankful for your support. I did not realize how much I’d love making items for both myself and my audience. Frankly, much of this is reminding of how, at one point, I wanted to design clothes and textiles. Occasionally, I have to remind myself that it isn’t too late for me to do that. That I now own so many of the clothes I’ve designed in one way or another is pretty cool. I’ll even be doing a lot of T-shirt DIY with a bunch of my designs on both my blog and my YouTube channel at some point. Here’s the result of a t-shirt I DIY’d.

Previously, I had planned to release a bunch of new merch through Teespring, but I never got around to it. Back then, I planned to release my first “hot and introspective” design, but never got around to it! Now there are several designs in several colorways, along with several other T-shirts at an affordable price point.

While I wanted to add some designs everyone could wear, I also wanted to add some that made a clear political statement. A while back one of my quotes went viral and it felt fitting to pit it on a flag!

You can also see the quote on the back of my flares and in a bunch of other designs!

I also wanted to create merch that made an even clearer political statement. You can see this poster in many of my videos, and there are several designs in the store that share the same graphic.

Maybe it’s because I’m in love, but I love pink more these days. I put a lot of pink, along with other colors, in my store. I didn’t want everything to be just gothic, black, and red. I shift between vampire and fae anyway (can’t wait for the Fairy collection I’m gonna release in fall). Here are some of my favorite, cutest items.

As you can see, I’ve integrated my merch into my wardrobe!

Recently, I also added a bunch of hawaiian shirts to the store that all have some pretty bold and unique designs!

Alexander purchased the very first Hawaiian shirt in my store. He looks very sexy in it.:D

I genuinely love my merch so much, and it’s become a bit of a hyperfixation of mine. I’m going to be doing a photoshoot with my items next week, and I’m pretty pumped! There are 80 of you that have ordered from my store thus far! These are the most popular items.

Blaque Kat Skull Remix Stripped Hoodie

My Politics Red ink Micro-Rib Tank Top

Blaque Stickers 3

Blaque and Red Kat Skull Bikini

I Refuse Redline Raglan

Right now, I have a sale going on in my store to celebrate Pride, along with a new collection of pride themed merch with my design!!

All June, get FREE SHIPPING in my store with the code KATPRIDE! If you get anything from my store, please tag me on instagram!

Huge thanks to everyone who has purchased items from my store thus far. You are giving me a lot of inspiration, and I’m so excited to release new things!

HAPPY PRIDE! The pride collection has just gone live in my shop! Use code KATPRIDE to get free shipping on all standard shipping in June!

See the full collection here

Lately, I’ve seen a lot of talk about bisexuality on my platforms, and the conversations seem to be overlapping. I wanted to share my thoughts here to clarify how I feel about these debates around bisexuality.

When you’re transgender, people often view you as a person who’s meant to service their specific needs or desires based on a loose set of stereotypes that will occasionally be described as “the best of both worlds”. It’s a compliment you’re pressured into accepting because people often feel as if they’re going out on a limb by at least acknowledging that you don’t identify with the gender they feel still lingers within you. For transgender women, to be the best of both worlds means to have the best of a woman: beauty, and the best of a man: a large, functional penis and a voracious sexual appetite. If you are noticiably transgender, this will be the stereotype projected onto you by fetishists; it’s a form of misgendering you’re pressured to accept as validation. It’s a sentiment I’ve primarily experienced from people who identify as bisexual, and it’s often coupled with a request that I validate their sexuality by giving them access to my body. It’s incredibly commonplace and incredibly dehumanizing.

There’s been a lot of discussion lately about a woman named Paris, who shared online that she’s bisexual but doesn’t see herself in a long-term relationship with a woman. She’s been with women before and is still attracted to them, but says she couldn’t date a woman, especially not a masculine one, since she prefers sex with men. Her comments about women were mostly negative, and she made it clear that men meet all her romantic and sexual needs. Many lesbians saw her video as proof of why they often only date other lesbians, feeling that some bisexual women see lesbians as just sexual partners, not long-term options. In response, some men made videos defending bisexual women, arguing that many end up with men because lesbians are “biphobic.” This ignores the fact that lesbians aren’t the only women who date women, and reveals an observable pattern of some bisexuals seeking validity through people whom they view as having a closer proximity to a “valid” queer sexuality. The whole conversation has become heated, and as someone who relates to lesbians about being fetishized by bisexuals exploring their sexuality, I’ve found myself drawn into it, as a person who frequently finds herself in a position where a bisexual person expresses to me that because they are bisexual, they will only ever be interested in having a sexual relationship with a transgender woman.

I want to be clear: biphobia is real, and there is real bias against bisexual people. Many are invalidating Paris’ sexuality because she said she couldn’t date a woman long-term, and I think that’s biophobic. Bisexuality exists, and it doesn’t make sense to deny that. Still, people often wrongly assume there’s only one way to experience or express bisexuality. I think that’s part of what makes this conversation so complicated because, obviously, not all bisexuals operate through a lens of fetishism, but some of us, because of who we are, are put into more direct interactions with people who do fetishize us because, in their minds, we exist outside of the cis hetero paradigm, which makes engaging with us taboo, and thus exciting.

One of the biggest debates around Paris’ video was about the split-attraction model. The split attraction model comes from theories around asexuality. Because asexuals do not experience sexual attraction in the way that allosexuals (non-asexuals) do, there is a need to distinguish between sexual and romantic attraction. Bisexuals have since appropriated this understanding to suggest that there are some people who may have homosexual sexual desires, but will only ever have heterosexual romantic desires. So you’ll commonly hear someone say “I’m bisexual, but heteromantic”, to suggest that when they date, the relationships they have tend to be seen as heterosexual within our society. To be frank, I’ve dated a lot of bisexual men, and I’ve really never dated a bisexual man who has also dated cis men. Speaking anecdotally, this experience of bisexuality is rather commonplace, and perhaps for that reason, it feels odd to suggest that those who experience bisexuality in this way aren’t actually bisexual. However, when you’re a transgender woman who passes, this places you in a very odd position.

When I lived in a conservative community and would turn to my audience to share stories about the heterosexual men who were asking me out on dates, people would often tell me that I was barking up the wrong tree. My audience of predominantly cis het people would tell me that, factually, bisexual men were a better match for me. However, after moving to Los Angeles and prioritizing bisexual men in my dating pool, I did not find that to really be the case. Quite often, I’d come into conversations, speaking openly about my preference for bisexual men, to attract them, and many of these men would assume that I was cis. Some of them would become excited to finally connect with a woman who was approving of and supportive of their bisexuality. Sometimes I’d just randomly bring up my preference for bisexual men, and there would be men who weren’t even out about their sexualities, who would suddenly feel comfortable disclosing their bisexuality to me. I’d spend a lot of time sitting with these men, speaking about their sexuality and validating them in a way I understood they weren’t used to. However, the tone would change when I’d eventually disclose my gender to them.

Perhaps it sounds like a first-world problem, but passing has put me in an odd position. I have always gotten a decent amount of attention from men, but passing means I almost never have the experience of a man being attracted to me and fully aware of what he’s attracted to. So disclosure is always a really frustrating, often an upsetting experience. So there was a time when, when a man said he was bisexual, I’d interpret that as him being more likely not to care about me being transgender. In my mind, at the time, a man being attracted to both men and women would mean that he wouldn’t really care about my body. However, I found out pretty quickly that wasn’t the case.

One of the first dudes I dated in LA was a performative male feminist who loved to bond with women over his shared attraction to men. When we met, he was incredibly lecherous and forward, and I was receptive to him because he was openly bisexual. However, his tune completely changed when I told him I was transgender during our first date. The dates that followed were quite weird, and with time, I’d piece together that he was mostly going on dates with me when his wife was out with other people. I was interested in dating him, but he mostly used me to pass the time and distract himself from the less-than-savory thoughts he’d have about his wife when she was out with other men. He made a big deal about us dating, often taking selfies with me when we’d go out, but when I’d try to be flirty with him, he’d pull away from me. With time, I had to accept that he was perhaps attracted to me in some way, but wasn’t ready to actually be with a trans woman; no matter how many femboys he openly expressed attraction to within the earshot of a cute cis queer woman and dfab non-binary person who’d sworn off straight men.

I’m not in the business of telling people what their sexuality is, so I’m not going to ever feel comfortable saying that dudes like that aren’t actually bisexual. You could, perhaps, make that argument, but I don’t really see the point of it. There are plenty of bisexual men who are only attracted to cis people. Ultimately, I am a practical person. While bisexuals will debate about whether or not bisexuality is a trans-exclusionary label, I’ve had to accept that it is for enough of the people who are attracted to me that I can’t presume that a man saying he’s bisexual means he is attracted to transgender women. I cannot presume that a bisexual man is more likely to date a transgender woman, as my experience with prioritizing bisexual men taught me that quite the opposite was true.

I often hear from non-monogamous couples that one partner realized they were bisexual during their relationship, so they opened things up to explore. Sometimes, both partners end up exploring their bisexuality, and that’s usually when I get involved. When I moved to LA, I planned to focus on dating bisexual men. Over time, I noticed that being openly transgender often attracts couples who are just starting to explore their sexuality. These couples are usually emotional and looking for validation. From what I’ve seen, bisexual people often feel misunderstood and invalidated, both in and outside the queer community. When bisexual couples approach me, it often feels like they see intimacy with me as something that validates them, while my own needs are overlooked. As a polyamorous woman, people often assume I’m bisexual, since that’s common among nonmonogamous women. Sometimes, no matter how many times I say I’m straight, people don’t believe me. Many bi couples have assumed I’m “a little bit bisexual” based on stereotypes, and I’ve often had to defend my sexuality because of how objectified I feel in these situations.

I know myself and what I like in the bedroom, and I can’t fulfill the “shemale” fantasy that some bisexual men expect from me. Partly because I don’t want to, and partly because it’s not possible for me. It’s unfair to assume all bisexual men want to be the bottom, but that’s been a common issue I’ve faced. For those who fetishize transgender women, access to my body is non-negotiable. I’ve told bisexual men, “I don’t want to be touched there,” and they’ve replied, “But I like it,” while touching me there, more times than I can count. Trans women are rare, and many bisexual men seem overly eager for the experience. I’ve had men ignore my boundaries, using their sexuality as an excuse. In my experience, I’m often expected to allow certain things just because they’re bisexual. Many have told me they only value our relationship if I top them, but since I can’t, I’ve realized that for many bisexual men, being with someone assigned male at birth means they expect versatility.

Of course, I can’t speak for all bisexual men. I only know what I’ve experienced with those who have approached me. I’ve been with a bisexual man, Nathan, for ten years. He was the first I dated after becoming non-monogamous and focusing on bisexual men. Nathan is different from most of the others I’ve dated, and I think that says something. Most of the bisexual men who fetishized me had little experience outside of cis women and were interested in traditional, heteronormative relationships. They often weren’t part of the queer community and seemed lonely, jumping straight to sex instead of building a connection. Nathan and I waited a month before having sex. He’s been married before and doesn’t want that again. His other partner is genderfluid, and he spends a lot of time with gay men, would have no issues publicly admitting to his attraction to men, and would definitely punch a homophobe to defend a partner or a friend. Nathan doesn’t make a big deal about his sexuality, but he’s openly bisexual and comfortable with his partners. He hasn’t dated cis men, but he’s attracted to them. He’s confident and, maybe because he’s my longest partner, he’s a great and attentive lover. Our relationship never feels selfish or one-sided. For Nathan, bisexuality isn’t just about sex, so it’s not taboo for him.

Dating is naturally exclusive, and it’s hard to express your preferences without hurting someone. Bisexual people who only experience their sexuality in a sexual way are still valid, as are those who don’t date trans women. We could all benefit from thinking about why we feel the way we do, but in the end, it is what it is. With time, you figure out what works for you. Right now, I have as many partners as I can handle. My boyfriends are caring and well-adjusted, and I didn’t meet them until I became more open to dating straight men again.

I met Alexander about 6 years ago, right before the pandemic started. He didn’t know that I was transgender, but when I told him, he wasn’t phased by it. He was attracted to me, so he pursued me. Of my partners, Alexander is the most normative. He’s a clean-cut guy who works a straight-laced job, and I’m probably the strangest thing in his life. He identifies as heterosexual, and he has no shame about his attraction towards me. We’ve gone on several trips together, and he regularly has parties where he invites his work colleagues, who are all aware of our relationship and his love for me. In a way, he is a complete foil to many of the paranoid narratives that were shared with me by closeted bisexual men in my youth. Closeted men would often tell me that I had to accept that there was a reason why they didn’t want to go out with me or see me as a long-term partner.

When I was younger, I would go over the men’s houses and sneak around so that they could keep me as their dirty little secret. When I stopped doing that, I started to understand how much they relied on my ignorance. These men often made me feel as if, because of who I am, they could never move through the world with me in the way I currently do with Alexander. For a while, I truly believed that my gender sabotaged a man’s image, and low self-esteem made me all too comfortable with keeping their secret. I’d be lying if I said that time hasn’t eventually taught me to embrace the opposite of what society often tells me is true about the men who like transgender women. I’ve noticed that some bisexual people don’t like it when people like me talk about our experiences with bisexuals, but with all the discussion around Paris, it felt important to bring up.

In Paris’ description of her preferences, trans women, who often have the body part she says she likes, are noticeably absent. Some bisexuals reject this transphobic view of bisexuality, but many still hold onto it. One bisexual man who rejected me told me that when he fantasizes about women, trans women aren’t part of those fantasies. I can’t say he isn’t bisexual because of that, but I know he’s not alone, and that shapes how I interact with bisexual men.

When lesbians talk about preferring to date other lesbians, some bisexuals call that “biphobic.” While there are lesbians who dislike bisexuals, it’s not fair to say lesbians who date other lesbians do it out of spite. Lesbians are an extreme minority, and lesbians often feel isolated in society and want to be with women who understand that experience. Lesbians who only date other lesbians usually do so because it feels right for them. Calling this “biphobic” feels off to me, because it sounds entitled. It sounds like bi women want to date lesbians who aren’t interested in them. While biphobia exists, it’s strange to use the term when lesbians simply prefer other lesbians, especially since bi women often end up with men who fetishize their bisexuality. In polyamorous circles, many people are interested in bi women, and couples exploring their sexuality often have rules that keep things from becoming romantic. For example, some have a “one-penis policy,” where women can be with other women but not other men. These arrangements often fall apart when real feelings develop. I’ve also had wives veto their husbands’ relationship with me if they liked me too much. For those of us seeking more than just sex, it’s important to know what someone is really open to. Over time, people tend to seek out partners whose sexuality matches their own.

To me, this conversation circles back to the idea of biphobia as rejecting someone romantically because they’re bisexual. Every so often, there’s a story about cis women who don’t want to date bisexual men, and stereotypes about STDs and cheating come up. People rightly call that biphobic. But sometimes, it seems like these women just want to date straight men because they want someone whose sexuality and romantic expectations matches their own. Just as it makes sense for lesbians to date other lesbians, it makes sense for straight people to want to date other people who also identify as straight. I’m not going to pretend the reasons given won’t be overwhelmingly biphobic, but I also know that, for many straight people, their sexuality is much more than “man + woman”, but that it’s also often a set of roles and expectations. These expectations are frequently alienating for bisexuals, who often will ultimately choose to exclusively date other bisexuals. Bisexual men routinely reject me because I’m heterosexual, and I do indeed respect that! I’ve often found that my heterosexuality clashes with their bisexuality.

In my own life, most of my partners are straight men. Not because of insecurity or validation, but because I do often tend to find that those are the relationships that flow the most seamlessly. I have certain romantic expectations that might feel strange to bisexual men who aren’t as interested in the gender binary. Bisexual men frequently turn to me for a more open mind. And while I can admit that I am quite openminded, I am very terribly, tragically heterosexual. I had to accept that the theory of who I could date wasn’t necessarily true. Nathan and I likely work because we share a common Evangelical background and have both, in our own ways, divested from heterosexist expectations. Even still, even in my very positive relationships with bisexual men, I sometimes feel like I’m holding them back. However, I don’t feel that way with straight men. With straight men, I often feel like I’m on the same page as them. It’s like we speak the same language when it comes to our expectations, and it’s a noticeable difference. I know many of my thoughts about bisexual men are informed by the kind of men I likely attract as a gender assimilating trans women.

I know bisexual people often feel invalidated, and I feel a bit guilty sharing thoughts that might add to that. However, I want to validate my own experiences and those of others like me. I can’t ignore how often bisexual people have expressed gender essentialist ideas to me. It’s strange to be seen as “the best of both worlds” by bisexual men, while straight men in my dating pool just see me as a woman. Even in these discussions, I find myself thinking about that difference.

When I talk about biphobia, I’ve noticed that, aside from being rejected for being bisexual, most examples people give are actually just homophobia experienced by bisexual people. Gay people are also accused of:

• Being promiscuous, and thus at higher risk of catching STDs.
• Not truly being their stated sexuality label or being in a “real” relationship because they aren’t heterosexual.
• Being greedy, wasteful, and selfish.

There are definitely some things unique to bisexuality, which is why the term “biphobia” is useful. But without homophobia, many of these ideas wouldn’t exist; they come from the same bias. Even in gay spaces, you can see internalized homophobia, so it’s strange to pretend that biphobia from queer people isn’t rooted in homophobia. In the debate around Paris’ content, a bisexual man challenged my position that biphobia is homophobia, and asked how I’d feel if someone said transphobia is just misogyny. I told him I actually agree; misogyny is at the root of almost all of this.

Without misogyny,  there would be no value system around sexuality, and heterosexual couples wouldn’t carry more social value than homosexual couples. It is the existence of misogyny that necessitates the need for a gender binary where men and women have these unique, distinct, predestined roles that they must play or suffer rejection. In a heterosexist world, the homosexual is gender-non-conforming by definition. Homosexual relationships defy heterosexist norms, and homophobia exists to police people towards said norms and away from the gender nonconformity of homosexuality. Trans people’s mere existence, when coupled with success, defies the cissexist norm that the most valuable bodies are cis bodies. This is a direct threat to the patriarchy, which is managed by the normalization of misogyny and gender binarism. Trans women are shamed for not being men, and trans men are shamed for not being wombs for men. Those who do not assimilate into binary gender are viewed as great disrupters of the sacred order of misogyny. A world without misogyny is a world without transphobia.

When I told him this, he argued that I couldn’t understand misogyny as a trans woman. To me, that proved my point. As validity is his primary focus as a bisexual man, he assumed I spent all my time fighting for my gender to be recognized. I transitioned 20 years ago, and it’s actually been a very long time since I’ve fought for my gender to be validated, let alone been misgendered. I feel the way I do about misogyny because I’ve been seen as female since I was young. Before I identified as a woman, I was placed in a female box and treated poorly for it. I honestly don’t know what it’s like to be treated as a man. When people are misogynistic towards me, they generally don’t know that I’m transgender, and I’ve even been sexually assaulted by men who did not know. Misogyny has been a huge thing I’ve had to navigate around in my daily life; it’s just part of my life as a woman. However, this bisexual man couldn’t see me that way. To him, my transness separates me completely from womanhood, and he held onto ideas about me that weren’t true, based on his own binary view of gender. This is a kind of gender essentialism and invalidation that I am incredibly used to experiencing from bisexual men specifically.

Ultimately, while I accept that the wider cis het world isn’t very fond of transgender women, I’ve had to acknowledge that someone being bisexual isn’t the green flag I once imagined it was. As a pretty polysaturated person right now, I can’t pretend I have much openness to new people, but when you have the option, you can’t ignore the patterns. I spent more time than most people trying to date bisexual men very intentionally, but the way the cookie crumbled is that I now have relationships mostly with straight men. My escapades meant that I do have a large network of bisexual men who are down to fall into bed with me every once in a while, but I don’t find myself being very receptive to those people. I am not a man, but it’s quite clear to me that many of the bisexual men I’ve attempted to date cannot really treat me how they treat cis women, so they instead treat me how they’d treat, well, like someone who’s a bit of a woman, someone who’s a bit of a man. The worst of both worlds is what I often receive, but I can’t make any grand statements about all or most bisexuals. It’s just that, from my vantage point, this is something I see that most people really don’t see or speak about. Every bisexual man I’ve met who has dated a trans woman long term is distinctly different from the men who only see trans women for sexual fulfillment. It’s like there are people who see me, and then people who only see what they want to see of me.

I do think that the bisexuals who reserve romantic feelings for those in society who’d make them seem straight, and exclusively sexual feelings for those in society who would make them seem queer, do have some internalized homophobia they could stand to unpack. I think that the bi women calling lesbians biphobic for wanting to date other lesbians could stand to read the room and recognize that they exist in a culture that discourages lesbians from being in lesbian relationships, and that’s why they feel so protective of them. I will always feel as if I can be biased, and I will not rebuff the accusations of biphobia that I receive, but I will do so with the acknowledgment that bisexuals dominate the acronym. and frequently do indeed hold systemic power over me, which is part of why I experience the dehumanization from them that I do. The people who fetishize me often do so with a distinct feeling of having power over me, which is why the subtext is often that I should be thankful or flattered for receiving a type of attention I do not want. I do think that some bisexuals should be more understanding of the fact that some of us really do not want to be fetishized, and being told that we will only ever be sexually interesting to you will always feel like you’re fetishizing us. Whether or not it’s valid, it kinda doesn’t matter.

To me, at the end of the day, the thing that matters the most is your clear communication about your feelings. If you just want sexual exploration and casual sex, be incredibly clear about that. Some lesbians are les4les because the bi women they’ve attempted to date, all too often, have attempted to include a man in the mix or, down the line, clarified that they only had a sexual desire for them. That can be very, very hurtful, and I don’t think a lesbian is wrong for not wanting to experience that. When bisexuals refute this, it often feels like they’re trying to pressure a lesbian out of being in explicitly lesbian relationships, which is indeed an insidious form of homophobia; lesbophobia to be specific. It’s odd for me to experience so many unicorn hunting, one penis policy shenanigans, and to know that some of the bisexuals involved in these dynamics feel as if their sexuality is being reinforced, while the subtext of homophobia is ever-present. I’ve known far too many bi women in relationships with homophobic men who don’t seem to catch that those men are biphobic, who always seem to catch that the lesbians who reject them are.

I think we should all be free to explore our sexualities and that there is likely never going to be a completely politically correct way of doing so, but honesty takes you very, very far, even if it’s ugly. While it’s been a bit hurtful, I’ve always appreciated hearing from bisexual men that they don’t date transgender women, so I know not to give them my time. If I could go back in time, I’d tell myself to prioritize that question over simply asking about a man’s sexuality and assuming that if he said bisexual, he had a romantic capacity for a trans woman. At the end of the day, I’ve learned that when you resonate with someone, it flows quite naturally, and these questions don’t really matter as much. I think everyone has a certain capacity, and sometimes I think labels can overcomplicate things, but that’s another rant for another post.

My online content is changing, and I feel it’s for the better. I started my first YouTube channel back in 2005, and about ten years later, I made YouTube my full-time job. Some of you might not know that I have a degree in Character Animation from CalArts. I haven’t always shared my creative side fully, and sometimes I wonder how things would have turned out if I had chosen a different path. At one point, I stepped away from creative projects to focus completely on YouTube, since it was the only thing paying the bills. Before I finished college, I tried to keep the fact that I was transgender private for my own safety. I went after a full-time YouTube career, honestly, because I faced discrimination. It wasn’t until I legally changed my documents that it became easier to find work and be taken seriously. That was about 16 years ago, though it doesn’t feel that long. With the way the economy is now, I realize that even though there are challenges, I’m in a more comfortable spot than many people. Over a decade ago, I started building my online presence at a time when most people didn’t think it was possible to make a living this way. Now, I’m able to live fairly comfortably in a big city thanks to the income from my online work.

When I was a child, I wanted to be an artist. My splatter-painted clothes and sketchbook, which never left my side, made that obvious to most people who met me. I spent most of my childhood in relative Evangelically-informed isolation. I think that caused me to be rather time-blind, but perhaps that’s just my ADHD. I’m used to putting my head down and doing busy work; idle hands, and all that. However, what I’ve been feeling right now is as if time has truly gotten away from me, leaving me to forget who I wanted to be. Looking back on my life, it’s different, but not exactly the life I imagined I’d have as a child. I have a career in which I largely use my creativity to earn a living. I make what I want; often, however, I want to make it. And yet, for quite some time, I’ve felt like there was a distant time when things would eventually stabilize, and I’d get back to creating art. A boyfriend, whose name I’ve already forgotten, helped me build a drafting desk for my art, which is sadly unused in the three apartments I’ve lived in since moving to Los Angeles. I moved here in 2017.

Next year will mark a decade since I moved to LA. Realizing that made me think about how little I’ve accomplished here. For years, I’ve been searching for a way to make YouTube content that I can actually keep up with. I’ve tried all sorts of ideas and formats. A few years back, I decided to wear the same outfit and film everything against a red backdrop. That worked for a bit, but once I started meeting other creators, I realized how behind I was. Working with Matt Bernstein was a wake-up call. He keeps things simple; plans in a Google Doc, films on Wednesday, and has the video edited and posted by Friday. When we first worked together, I was paying my assistant to research for a week, then I’d spend another week writing, and another week editing. By the time my video was ready, it was already outdated, and it rarely did well. Clearly, I needed to change my approach.

The reality is, because I was raised in such isolation, it is both a strength and a weakness of mine. On the one hand, I earn my income almost entirely by devoting myself to being a content creator and hosting a platform where I can freely express myself and allow others to do the same. I probably wouldn’t have done that without feeling the need to have that sort of space for myself. I am incredibly self-motivated, and that’s a good thing. The bad thing for me is that when you’re in isolation, it’s very easy to lose sight of the bigger picture and to see where you’re perhaps falling short. About a year ago, I finally sat down and calculated how much I’d be paying myself if I were working hourly. As it turns out, I have been a particularly oppressive boss who has been underpaying my workers quite greatly. I realized that I needed to do something different and rethink exactly how YouTube fits into my life.

IIn the past, I’ve been frustrated by seeing what other content creators have done with their platforms. For quite some time, I vented about this on Patreon. It wasn’t quite jealousy, but this emotion that I couldn’t entirely place. One day, I was walking on Hollywood Blvd, as I always do, and I ran into a follower of mine who happens to work at one of the bars on the boulevard. She asked me, “What are you doing next?” and when I responded, “YouTube,” I could see the disappointment on her face. I’ve seen this look on more than a few people who seemed very surprised to hear that I was focusing so much of my time and energy on YouTube. For the longest time, my primary focus was sustaining myself through the work I do online. I suppose I have to admit that I’ve been doing that for a very long time now, and I’m not really continuing my personal development or actually pursuing some of those goals I let go of many years ago. When I had that conversation with the woman on the boulevard, I was frustrated because, from my perspective, I’ve been actively uploading some of the best, highest-quality content I’ve ever made, but the truth is, it’s not the content I’m proudest of. Over time, I realized that the feeling I had was simply seeing some of my colleagues pursue things I had essentially given up on. I realized I had a latent resentment that they never backed down from pursuing their dreams, and in reality, I had.

It’s hard to admit that I’ve let much of myself go when it comes to my goals and dreams, but the way the world turns has rekindled a fire within me. Many of you do not know that the channel now known as Kat Blaque started as TransDIYer, a transgender-themed DIY channel. In 2010, when I started the channel, I wanted to create sewing and DIY content, but I ended up getting sidetracked into being a talking head. The reality is that I’m passionate and I care deeply about the topics I’ve discussed. It is, in fact, quite hard for me not to make content, as it’s the one habit of mine that I’ve maintained since I was a child. However, I can also lean on the fact that I’ve now done it for most of my life. In the early internet, those of us who were early adopters felt the need to create conversations and hold spaces online because we knew the status quo would ultimately not do so. Over the years, I’ve created forums, groups, blogs, and websites dedicated to various causes I advocate. Many of us felt a sense of responsibility to hold space on the internet for the marginalized, seeking a place to be. Frankly, as I look around the net right now, it seems like many of those spaces have multiplied and are almost oversaturated. I’m divided about that because, as the world has become more online, I’ve become less online. I was one of the first trans bloggers online, but now I’m shifting into existing offline. While I was isolated online as a child, it seems like Billionaires are attempting to isolate everyone in these algorithms, where they’re taught what to think and how to feel. I’m becoming more sensitive to that, and as I do, I think a lot about how to add value to people’s online diets.

So what’s next for me then?

After pitching an idea to a company, the director reminded me that whatever I create should have a reason for me to be involved. I try to stay humble, but as I get older, I see the importance of being confident in what I do well. I’m a writer, public speaker, illustrator, seamstress, and sometimes an actress. I’ve come to realize I have creative talents that not many people have. When I think about it, creativity is my superpower. It’s helped me get this far, and without it, I don’t think I’d be successful.

Right now, what I want most is to create. I know many of you miss my old video essays, and I understand that’s why a lot of you joined my channel. I saw someone on TikTok say the video essay is dead. For me, it’s not dead, but I do need to rethink how I make them. I don’t want to spend so much time on a single video essay anymore. I’ve realized I can’t reach my creative goals if I spend weeks on a video that doesn’t pay off, and most of them don’t. Now, I see YouTube more as a job that pays my bills and supports my other business. For many topics you like to hear me talk about, I want to spend about as much time on them as I do filming reactions. I’ve noticed that reaction content helps keep my channel going and lets me put out videos faster, in a format that’s much easier to edit and doesn’t need a lot of graphics. This way, I can share more content and still have time for higher-quality projects that support my art career and my passion for education.

I feel very drawn to teach. It’s what my Grandmother did, what my Mother did, and what I feel drawn to do in this phase of my life. What I’ve recognized is that in the age of AI, creativity is being undermined. While people eagerly celebrate that they no longer need to pay artists, what they’re not realizing is that under fascism, art and self-expression are always under attack because they are powerful. It transcends a lifetime, and often encourages feelings that lead to action. These billionaires want you to stop thinking for yourself and just let the white supremacist robot do the thinking for you. As art education is defunded, discouraged, and replaced with AI, I feel a similar obligation to the one I felt in my early internet days to fill in the blanks. I’m not the only one doing it, but I’m one of the few who really can.

At the moment, I’m working on a DIY series and creating new posts for this website. I’ve hired a few new editors to help me produce most of my YouTube content. Working with them and my assistant has freed up my time for other projects. Now that I’ve thought about what I want to leave behind, I have some new goals I want to pursue.

So expect Blaque in the City and my YouTube channel to both be more active, but also more intentional. I’m very excited about what’s to come. If you’re ever curious what I’m working on, check me out on Patreon!