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  • The Dapper Delinquent Should Keep His Mustache Out of Lesbian Business

    Another week, another conflict I manage to get into because I’m passionate about people…

    The Dapper Delinquent is a bisexual man who creates content about a wide range of issues, but I primarily seem to receive his content about how lesbians who reject men are a stain on the wider LGBT community. In his most recent campaign against “gold star identities”, he speaks of this supposed trend among, not just lesbians but also people of other sexualities, but primarily focuses his ire towards lesbians, who more commonly use the term.

    A Gold Star Lesbian is a lesbian who has never been with a man. It’s often a term stated ironically, but some do use the term seriously. Those who do tend to use it to celebrate that, within a misogynistic culture where women are pressured to be with men, they never succumb to the pressure and have only been with women. In his video, Ty mentions those who unironically claim the term and then use it to attack other people. In several of his videos, he mentions lesbians rejecting bisexual women; often expressing disgust around them being with men. He bases most of his observations on his comment section or things he’s heard third hand. We are meant to take his observations and render a judgment towards those claiming gold star identities because, as he says “gold star identities are a huge problem in the larger LGBT community”.

    But the problem with this is this is a conclusion he comes to that is emotional, but not proportional. If a gay person has managed to only ever have gay relationships in a culture that discourages them for having them, and rewards them for being in heteronormative ones, they are an extreme rarity within the larger LGBT community. When we are explicitly focusing on lesbians, we are describing an extreme minority within the smallest minority within the LGBT. So to describe them, even collectively as inherently problematic is an over exaggeration.

    The basis of my issue with what the Dapper Delinquent is mostly that he speaks with authority about things he clearly does not understand, and he falls into misogyny and patriarchal thinking quite easily. Contrary to his insinuation, “gold star” is a term that refers primarily to lesbian women and his content may seem to suggest otherwise but you will not find many people using the term who aren’t referring to lesbians. Gay men tend to use “platinum”, but even that isn’t very common. Ty wants to have a conversation about transphobia and biphobia and the gay people who look down on others for ever considering the “opposite” gender. While I think this hypothetical gold star lesbian who is repulsed by a woman sleeping with a man may be worth criticizing if they truly look down on others for not being a gold star, I also know that the label is not synonymous with transphobia or rejection of bisexuals.

    In some of Ty’s content specially about gold star lesbians, he suggests that those who use the term are transphobic because the term suggests that a woman has never been with a man. The insinuation being that trans women are men so naturally that would defeat the gold star status. However, many of the people I’ve known who have claimed the term are themselves transgender women or the partners of transgender women. They use the term to celebrate for themselves that they have never been with men, not to state that they only date lesbians (they don’t; most lesbians date bisexual women) and exclude trans women. So when he says these identities are a problem, he is ignoring that his understanding of this is incredibly limited and that he is not likely, as a man and non sapphic, to really understand this enough to offer thoughtful and necessary reflection on the issue. He is just pulling from a bias within society that shames women for not being available to men. It’s not that I disagree with the central point being made: that people should not be put down or discredited because of their sexual history. It’s that this is the conclusion made of lesbians the moment they express complete disinterest in men, and in much of his content, he seems not to make space for the possibility that a woman can be lesbian in a way where she has never desired a man.

    While Ty does devote some of his time to speaking about non-lesbians who supposedly unironically claim the term, of course much of his content focuses on lesbians. He has accused me of not watching his content, so I figured I would respond clip by clip.

    In this clip, he sets up a hypothetical where a man is asked about another man, and because the man in question isn’t attracted to men, he responds with either disgust or struggles to find an answer. In his rebuttal of this point, he cites this idea that many lesbians are able to conceptualize attraction to men. This is presented as something that is obvious or common. I think this is an important subtext to draw attention to because while I understand what he’s trying to say about how some lesbians are able to, bare minimum, mention a man they admire, this is particularly not true for gold star lesbians who have not ever experienced attraction to men. Ty criticizes a lot of thing about “gold star identities”, that are obviously bad like supremacy and transphobia, but it also seems like he has a hard time accepting that some women simply are not and never will be attracted to men, and an odd comment he liked and responded to seems to suggest that he is particularly suspicious of those who have not sexually experimented.

    The central problem I have with Ty’s content has to do with what I know of being a woman in society and what I know is the disconnect between how lesbians conceptualize their sexuality and how our culture in particular shames them for it. When a woman says she’s a lesbian, the first thing often said back to her is “are you sure? How do you know if you’ve never tried it?”. A culture that centers men, views a lack of attraction to them as a defiant rejection. It’s not just that lesbian aren’t attracted to men, it’s that they have “rejected” them. Lesbians are often told they are simply confused because they have not found the right man. Even if Ty devotes some of his time to criticizing gay men who supposedly brag about never being with women, he should be incredibly aware of the fact that this is a very common, and often violent suggestion made towards lesbians. The idea that these women have yet to meet the right man leads to “corrective rape”, where lesbians are assaulted by men in order to “fix” them. For many lesbians who are not gold star, their relationships with men are deeply traumatic because they were forced on them. This is partially why I do not see the point in attacking the extreme minority of women who have avoided that trauma. A comment I received did a really great job of speaking about this.

    There are many people to hear “lesbian” and think that it’s a challenge. Many men conceptualize that deep down inside a lesbian will, at some point, be attracted to a man. There’s often a confidence around this that I myself have been privy to as a polyamorous trans woman. When I acknowledge that I am not attracted to women, there are many people who refuse to believe me, and I believe lesbians are often experiencing the other side of that. Gender essentialism suggests that women are naturally attracted to men and those who are designated male, regardless of gender identity, will by nature be attracted to women. But of course this isn’t true, and it especially isn’t true for gold star lesbians.

    What Ty should have done is register that the expectation for lesbians to eventually be attracted to men is much more common and much more dangerous than a gold star lesbian believing she is superior to those who’ve slept with men. If he can understand bias, he should understand why lesbians have had a negative response to his content about gold stars. He is a man expressing negative feelings about women who have never been with men. He is policing relationships he is distinctly not involved in and he’s folding transphobia and biphobia into “gold star identities”.

    What’s very interesting is the person (who is non binary) he has called out for rejecting a bi woman is not a gold star and came to point this out.

    “Queer” is a reclaimed slur that many people, self included, have complicated thoughts about. It makes sense to me that the term would resonate with someone like Ty, who to my understanding is bisexual and has perhaps a complex gender identity on top of that. Many people feel solidarity under the queer label and appreciate that it is not a label that specifically nails down an identity. For many it is a fluid identity that can apply to them regardless of how their identity shifts. However, lesbians are often protective of lesbian identity because, again, they exist in a culture that does not celebrate or respect that they are truly women who love women. Beyond this conversation, there is a persistent trend of attempting to erase lesbian identity. When I first started making content about Lesbophobia, I noticed that my content would often be censored or the automated content filters would mark it as inappropriate and adult. Lesbians are objectified to the point where the term “lesbian” is often seen as an inherently pornographic term that needs to be censored.

    Again, it’s not that I disagree with what he’s saying per se. Queer is a term many use and in the way I don’t think we should police lesbian identity, I don’t think we need to police other’s queer identity. Obviously attacking someone for being proud of their label is a bad thing, but clearly this isn’t really a grace extended to lesbians. The conclusion seems to be that those who reject the term queer only do so because of bigotry, and he again, cites transphobia as one of the main reasons. The suggestion here is that lesbian is a less inclusive term than queer, and that the people who reject it do so out of bigotry. I know that isn’t true as a person who does not identify as queer. For me, it’s just a term that doesn’t resonate with me and I’ve always felt that way. The people who tell me I should embrace it tend to have a very paternalistic attitude where they think they can tell me about how to more properly identify. This is just him policing how lesbians describe their own experiences. Lesbians should be able to describe themselves however they want.

    Ty will often take a comment made by one or two people and present it as a supposed trend, but it seems a bit to me like this is the full extent of his engagement. I have the response to his content I do because I live in a big city where I am a community organizer for queer events. I’ve been within sapphic spaces more than a few times and I’ve often helped promote them. If your entire exposure to lesbians is internet discourse, you’re going to get a lot of content that vents about the closed mindedness of lesbians, often by non lesbians who feel entitled to attention from lesbians. You’re also going to get those extremely introverted, often reactionary lesbians who use the internet to say what they can’t say in their own communities. I see so much content online about how these spaces are exclusionary, and don’t get me wrong, sapphic events are not perfect, and often have an issue of race and access with many sapphics desiring events that aren’t centered around substance use. However, if you assume that lesbians are bigoted towards trans people, you are simply not understanding just how complex and expansive these spaces are when it comes to gender.

    Regarding lesbians as uniquely transphobic is lesbophobia that doesn’t align with reality. The last sapphic event I went to was full of trans women, and even some trans men. Lesbians often have a complex relationship with gender and while, sure, plenty of lesbians have no desire to sleep with trans women, my estimation is people tend to assume lesbians are significantly less interested in trans women than they are. I remember when I first went to these spaces and got hit on a ton and I was initially confused because that didn’t align with what the Arielle Scarcellas of the world had told me. It seems to me that there are a lot of people sharing their basic opinions of lesbians who have never been around lesbians. The most they know is that a lesbian does not sleep with men, and from there, people try to make a larger conclusion about lesbians that is presents their rejection of men is somehow problematic. This is the same conclusion homophobes make about lesbians.

    Ty is not a lesbian and as a non-lesbian, he should not care how lesbians define their own sexuality. Even if he doesn’t mean to make this inference, when he makes a video like this as a man, it comes off as him resenting lesbians for distinctly excluding men. The use of “non men” in this context is to acknowledge the complex relationship lesbians have with gender. There are many people who are lesbian in terms of their gender identity, who do not identify as women. Of course this is going to be confusing to non-lesbians who conceptualize that lesbians are women loving women, and ignore that there are people who are lesbian who don’t identify as women, but do identify as lesbian. However, this disconnect is another great example of the difference between being in community and observing it as an outsider.

    Online we have been having a back and forth debate about how trans men shouldn’t identify as lesbians, with many people using what little they know of both trans men and lesbians to say that trans men would feel uncomfortable being folded into the lesbian community. And sure, while that’s very true for many transgender men, there are many trans men who’ve formed community with lesbians, and some who’ve been community organizers for lesbians for decades before recognizing they were trans men. There are a decent portion of trans men who still identify within lesbianism and date women who identify as lesbians. Outsiders obviously are confused by that, but this is yet another reason why many lesbians will prefer dating other people who are themselves lesbian. There’s no need to explain yourself, and many people want to be with people who understand them and shares a similar position in society.

    In another series of videos, Ty goes off about yet another thing he saw online, but this time it was a lesbian who committed the sin of wanting to date a lesbian. Again, I do not think Ty is very self aware of the optics of him making a video like this. He is a white man turning to the camera and dictating to lesbians how they should date women, and which women they should date, and of course he highlights the closed minded nature of a lesbian desiring another lesbian. As I’ve said, this particular person he called out was non binary and not a gold star.

    Biphobia is a very real, very harmful thing. When lesbians reject bisexuals, it’s not hard for me to imagine how hurtful that is, and how that invalidation within a heterosexist culture may cause them to withdraw from queer relationships in favor of heteronormative ones. A lesbian who doesn’t want to date bisexuals who are currently being courted by men understand that our culture privileges bisexuals women for partnering with men. Erasure of your sexuality is not privilege, but a lesbian cannot hide her queerness and thus lesbians often have to contend with a reality where they are othered because of they only love women. Lesbians preferring other lesbians isn’t always about their fear of being replaced by a man or a particular resentment for bisexuals. Again, one of the benefits of being a lesbian dating a lesbian is that there are certain things you don’t have to explain, and for a lesbian who is already isolated within society because she does not date men, dating a woman who dates men puts her in contact with men in a way she may not personally desire. Going back to one of Ty’s original points about how some lesbians are able to conceptualize their attraction to men, bi women will often want to discuss men in a way where they expect participation from the lesbian involved. Many lesbians report that their online dating experience has often been derailed by unicorn hunting couples where the man is presented as a potential third much later in the relationship. Sure, viewing every bisexual with a lens of suspicion is biphobic, but a lesbian preferring a lesbian in a culture where women are pressured to be with men is something I have a hard time taking issue with because I’m not involved. Gay people wanting to date each other makes a ton of sense to me, and while Ty does attempt to speak about men who do the same, his ire for lesbian women is palpable when he describes this desire as “bigoted”.

    Again, I think this is another example of the disconnect between the observations he makes of lesbians online and how lesbians function socially. Most lesbians, because of our culture that pressures women, have at some point been with men or thought they were attracted to men. So a lesbian who rejects women who’ve been with men will find her dating pool will just get smaller and smaller. Lesbians who only date other lesbians are not very common at all. Many of lesbians arrive at the lesbian label, not because they’ve never tried it, but because they have and they have realized they do not feel for men that way. For many lesbians, the idea of being an experiment for a person attempting to figure out their sexuality is off putting. When lesbians express a preference for other lesbians it is often because they want to know the person they are with sees women as romantic potential. It’s simply true that there are bisexuals who will always view their queer relationships as sexual, but their heterosexual relationships as romantic. Many lesbians do not want to be in the position where they register that the person they’re with is using them to figure themselves out. However, the reality is that very few lesbians are even able to find other lesbians within the larger sapphic community so they do tend to date bisexual women. Lesbians are a minority among sapphics, which is also why so many people feel compelled to speak for them and over them.

    Another point that needs to be made here is I believe his position as online observer also allows him to conflate several disconnected ideas. A gold star lesbian is just a woman who has never slept with a man, it isn’t a woman who never sleeps with women who’ve slept with men. In his imagination of the exclusionary gold star, the gold star lesbian looks down on any woman who has never been with a man. It’s a sort of queer purity culture that judges women for their sexual history. But that’s not really what many of the people who adopt the term unironically actually mean.

    I am not going to deny that there are women who claim gold star status who do so to communicate that they are not interested in people with certain genitalia. I’m not going to deny that there are trans women who’ve been rejected by lesbians who are using the term and this is probably quite hurtful to them. That does not then mean the term is inherently transphobic or that there aren’t trans women who identify with the term because they’ve only been with women.

    Here’s a great comment that speaks a bit about the history of the term:

    “ @Ruthless: the actual history is murky, because it’s not well documented- the only facts we know and can point to is that the first time we can find a “written record” as it were, are in the early 90s. it was used by a comedian making fun of lesbians while talking about her year long relationship with a man, and at a similar time used in bisexual media (mostly zines, some are preserved online) also being derisive about what they called “feminist lesbians”, also known as political lesbians. If you’re familiar with feminist/lesbian history, you’ll know that political lesbians are in fact not lesbians- but women who thought of lesbianism as “the ultimate way” to cut men from your life, not women who had actual romantic or sexual interest for other women. anyway, the term was basically an insulting jibe of various levels of seriousness to lesbians of the time “what, do you want a gold star?”, and slowly turned into an actual term for something we didn’t really name before. Now, as always, we can’t help but be sexist and homophobic to lesbians, so now there’s community backlash to the term “gold star” something we didn’t actually come up with, to the best of anyone’s knowledge trying to trace it. There are a couple blog arguments that it “must of course have been used before this”, but that’s not substantiated anywhere, and lesbians active in the 70s and 80s don’t concur.”

    When Ty says “fuck gold star identities”, he is critiquing how lesbians have reclaimed the term as a term for pride. He is criticizing women who do not like men for celebrating that they have not been with men, as a man. What I don’t think he registers is that many of the things he says in his videos are actually very old and outdated lesbophobic tropes and circling most of his conversations back to lesbians is part of why he does that; it’s a common and socially acceptable pattern of behavior.

    While rallying against gold star identities , he describes people who recognized their queerness early as having “good fortune” for recognizing their queerness early on and then in reference to people who did not have heterosexual relationships, he goes on to suggest that “more often than not, you were too sexually awkward to even realize that you were queer”. I know his snazzy style and mustache may make this hard to see, but this is just a centuries old homophobic idea. Gay people have often been seen as turning to homosexuality because they do not have the ability secure heterosexual relationships. Lesbians are commonly believe to have simply been too unattractive to men, thus forcing them to be with other women. This is just your standard homophobia presented in a woke way. It also reveals the common resentment those who come to queerness later in life often have for those who come out when they are young.

    For many people, discovering that they are gay in a homophobic culture is not “good fortune”, as he condescendingly scare quoted. It is actually something that separates you so much from society that many queer people never really feel at home until they finally meet other queer people who feel just like them. I remember the early days of recognizing that I was a trans woman and that I only dated men. It was an incredibly isolating time and it’s why I’ve become a community organizer in Los Angeles. As a gender queer child, I hungered for queer community, and I was very thankful to find it online. Yet while the internet may have given me a place to socialize with others, it also presented an amalgamation of ideas that were less relevant once I started forming community with queer and trans people. I point out Ty’s observation of lesbians being superficial because in a culture that is homophobic, of course he is going to be presented with less than flattering content about the only sexuality that excludes men. And of course, as a man, he’s going to feel a certain way about that. Pretending to be a neutral third party is quite silly. It’s clear to me that when he criticizes lesbians for rejecting bisexual women, or trans women, he’s doing that to support the women in his life, whom he cares for and I don’t think the desire to do this is inherently bad, but I do not think the reaction he has to “gold star identities” is totally disconnected from a history of Lesbophobia being normalized. Even in the very fact that he feels compelled to publish content criticizing a lesbian for who they date at all really seems off to me. And how he has chosen to to respond to criticism is very telling.

    Ty is currently threatening to sue me for some of the content I made responding to his content where I cut through the bullshit and acknowledge the rape-y undertones of his content about gold star lesbians. I feel how I do about this because I know that in a room full of 100 lesbians, there are probably 4 of them that identify as gold star and one of them is probably trans. Of those 4, maybe one of them excludes trans women and is repulsed by women who’ve slept with men, but that also means that she now has very few women in that room who will ever fit her preferences. So functionally, he’s turning to that one woman and calling her a bigot for never sleeping with a man and being proud of it…and that just seems completely pointless to me. Ty seems to believe that lesbians need a man to tell them they are bigoted for not being with men, and only wanting to be with women who’ve been with other women, and he has devoted several videos to this topic. Looking up his name, he has made tons of content specifically about lesbians and he seems very determined to frame what is functionally an extreme minority within the smallest community of the acronym as toxic to the entire community.

    People feel a lot of things when a woman calls herself a lesbian, and what I think is more true than there being a large group of “TERF” lesbians who think they’re better than everyone else because they’ve only slept with women, is that many people feel a certain way when a woman sticks to her guns about not being with men. Ty’s content should start from a foundation of understanding that lesbian are uniquely oppressed in a misogynistic culture that has historically rewarded them for being with men. With that understanding, you recognize the actual proportionality of this conversation. Ty does not understand that our culture is one where lesbians ARE sexually assaulted once they assert that they have only been with women and only want to be with women. He should have some self awareness around this if he is going to create content about bias as a white man.

    The Dapper Delinquent benefits from the white supremacist patriarchal system that upholds gender essentialism. There is a reason he feels so comfortable having an opinion about who lesbians fuck. Personally, as a non-lesbian, this doesn’t feel like my business. Perhaps it is because I am a black trans woman, but I feel like as an outsider, it is not my job to dictate to anyone who they can and cannot date and sleep with. I am making this post because I am a person who feels very defensive of lesbians, and I’ve spent probably most of my life at this point in community with lesbians. I am not getting my understanding of lesbians from the media or from my comment section. I am often the token heterosexual in most of my friend groups and I kinda prefer it that way. Lesbians have always been my biggest ally. So it is very hard for me to listen to what Ty says and not immediately clock that much of what he’s saying is being said because he clearly does not know very many lesbians, but clearly feels for the women who he’s involved with who have been rejected by lesbians. This is not the first series of videos he’s made criticizing lesbians for being lesbian and desiring relationships with other lesbians. When you couple that with his comments about trusting someone’s sexuality label once they’ve “tried it”, it’s not very hard to see why some lesbians read his content as a promotion of corrective rape.

    The thing is, I actually do believe that Ty doesn’t intend for the content to be taken this way, but to my point, he likely doesn’t understand this because he is not in community with lesbians. What I’m saying in this post is the result of my many years of knowing and humanizing lesbians within my own life. Ty clearly does not understand the actual depth of just how much women are pressured to be with men and why a lesbian would be proud of never being with one. Sure, if a lesbian puts someone down for being with a man, that may deserve some criticism, but to my point about proportion, this is an extreme minority within an extreme minority within an extreme minority. It is quite dangerous to present that and then conflate all of these separate things into the term used to describe women who’ve never been with men. Being gold star is not the same as being les4les and neither reject trans women by default and neither represent a large enough amount of lesbians to be presented as “a distinct detriment to the queer community”. It’s literally 4 people who tend to stay home anyways.

    Placing this massive weight of blame on the feet of lesbians is very classic Lesbophobia and I do not feel bad at all for calling it out and for pointing out the sex pest subtext of many of these videos. When you accept that a woman’s body is her own and that her sex life is not about anything other than who she personally wants to have sex with, you feel uncomfortable forming such a deep opinion about who they have sex with and who they reject. In so many of these conversations, people try to suggest that I would feel bad about being rejected for my inherent qualities…and I am. It’s the commonality of my experience that makes me feel very differently about rejection than it seems many white bisexuals feel about rejection.

    I feel for the bisexuals and the trans women who’ve been rejected by people because of who they are. However, I have noticed that many of them take this rejection and twist it into resentment for lesbians. It registers to me that much of this relates to online dating and discourses that were had virtually where people often conclude that lesbians are closed minded because of how they’ve rejected certain individuals. What’s sad to me about this is that offline, the lesbian community is not without its flaws, but is hardly exclusionary towards bisexuals and trans folks. Frankly, there is a part of me that has a hard time not seeing how men who insert themselves in these conversations seem to often do so to signal that they are a safer option. I worry about how that will likely isolate young sapphics from the community because they assume it is exclusionary and thus do not think they’ll be able to find community. The reality is, if you go into these spaces with an assumption of it being bigoted towards you, that will become a self fulfilling prophecy. Sapphic spaces are full of bisexual women and trans women!

    A few weeks ago, I went to the Virgil on a random night for a house music event. On the other side of the bar was a much more poppin, much more well attended sapphic party called IrL World. I met this gorgeous black lesbian who was looking for other black women and slowly we gathered them all, with myself being the token straight girl, as usual. We met each other, we witnessed each other and some of them even kissed. The room was full of a wide range of gender expression and one of the black women was actually there with a girlfriend of hers that is transgender. And that trans woman wasn’t the only one. I’ll be honest, lowkey I was surprised by how many trans woman I met at and saw at event. It would blow the mind of every outsider who assumes that sapphic events are a bunch of cis women with a clearly defined gender identity and expression. most of the women I met were lesbians but not all of them were. Bisexual women were not uncommon.

    I do not think Ty’s reaction to lesbians who date lesbians and gold star lesbians is disconnected from the general negative response lesbians receive when they share share they are only attracted to men. Knowing how rare gold star lesbians are makes it obvious to me that this is misplaced frustration for lesbians being lesbians, not a justified resentment because of lesbians being biphobic or transphobic. This keeps coming back to a baseline resentment towards women for not being with men. There is literally no justification for policing a lesbian’s sexuality and Ty should be self aware enough to understand why the sheer amount of content he’s made about lesbians can be interpreted. I have no emotions at all about lesbians choosing to be with other lesbians or celebrating the fact that they have a never been with men. Even if they thought they were better than everyone else for it, that still wouldn’t make them an oppressor men or bisexuals. At the core of this is the idea that denial of sexual access is in some way oppressive, and I do not think that is a subtext formed independent of the misogyny that justifies the premise of homophobia.

    So what if a lesbian withdraws her interest once she learns a woman she’s courting is also dating a man? So what if a cis lesbian doesn’t want to sleep with trans women? Pretending that is the most oppressive thing in the LGBT community is why people are reading these videos as a foundation for corrective rape. Because ultimately…where else does this go? What does the lesbian who after years of being told to be with men, who knows she only wants to be with a lesbian do with the information that she’s bigoted for understanding who she wants to date? If she said she was bisexual, Ty would celebrate her, especially if she’d actually tried to be with a man. If she said she was queer, and not a lesbian, Ty could celebrate her. If she slept with trans women, as a sexual experiment, Ty would celebrate her. But why does Ty’s opinion even matter? Why does a man’s opinion about lesbians in a culture where lesbians are suppressed matter more than what lesbians say about themselves? Why isn’t a lesbian allowed to deny anyone she wants for any reason she wants? It is wild to me that people just cannot imagine that a lesbian is allowed to say no.

    Ty is victimizing himself currently on his platforms, but it’s quite important that he is reminded that as a bisexual man, he holds systemic power and the ability to oppress lesbians. For that reason, I do hope he reconsiders his desire to host these conversations. He is largely taking what are incredibly rare experiences to essentially make grander statements about lesbians, in defense of bi women and trans women. But his sheer anger towards me for speaking up for lesbians really says a lot. He doesn’t like when anyone stands up for lesbians, and he doesn’t even understand that the lesbians he is attacking currently do foil his preconceived notions about gold star lesbians.

    It should be acknowledged that he insists upon reaching certain conclusions about lesbians without really listening to them or speaking with them. He remains completely apathetic towards their actual lived realities. Instead, lesbians exist as a rhetorical tool. As bullies who’ve denied men, for whom he naturally associates with transgender women. A man who understands the basis of misogyny, would not so easily criticize the sex lives of oppressed women, especially as a white man. I think at the end of the day, this is another example of me being able to see through a performatively woke person who is able to pass as woke because society views him as inherently more trust worthy because he is a white man. These people always hate actually engaging with the subjects of their criticism. He does not want to hear that gold star doesn’t mean what he thinks it means from lesbians or their allies. He is currently threatening to take me to court and have me incarcerated during a time where trans women are experiencing a genocide and people are being placed into concentration camps. All over women who’ve never slept with men. That should truly disturb his audience.

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  • Reader Response: Male Doms Fetishizing Transgender Men in the BDSM Scene.

    Recently, we’ve had a few discussions about fetishism and how it impacts transgender women who predominantly date men. However, this reader had a question for me about transgender men and their experience with fetishism!  

    Hi Kat! I’ve been watching you got a long time now although I technically just subscribed lol. I just watched your video on the bisexual bf and whether he was fetishizing his gf or not. I loved it but I was wondering if you could talk about chasers when it involves trans men(like me). I’m a sub who’s trans and still pretty fem and I feel like even in bdsm circles and clubs all I find are inexperienced men who say they’re doms but really just want to get their rocks off. I’ve found dating while not conforming to binary gender constructs is really really difficult. Like I’ve been single since I was 16 and I’m 21 now. I know you’re experience as a trans woman is different so you might not want to speak on it but I appreciate it I feel like trans men aren’t really talked about all the much in general. Anyways love your videos and I wish you the highest level of success whatever that means for you!!

    Dear Reader,

    Firstly, I appreciate that you’ve reached out to me for my perspective, but of course I have to begin by stating that I am a transgender woman, and most of my observations of trans men within the BDSM scene are from my own interactions and often the interactions I’ve had with their partners who occasionally desire a connection with me. So, my sample size is small, but I can share some of my observations, and I’ll preface them with the warning that they have been unflattering.  

    In your message, you do not specify that you’ve been engaging primarily with heterosexual men, but I’m going to read between the lines and assume that most of the men who approach you as a feminine transgender man likely identify as heterosexual, and I think that will end up being the source of most of your frustration within the BDSM scene. Kink evangelists will tell you that the BDSM scene has a higher concentration of men who’ve done “the work.” While I think this may be partially true in comparison to most spaces, I have to be frank and say that it’s taken me much longer to accept that, in reality, most of my issues with men can be boiled down to patriarchy and misogyny. it is optimistic to believe that a man who wants to exert sexualized violence has not in some way internalized dangerously patriarchal thought; and the basis of that is gender essentialism.

    Gender Essentialism in the BDSM Scene

    The BDSM community is full of queer and trans people, but that does not mean gender essentialism is not a problem. Gender essentialism is the idea that a person’s qualities are dictated by the sex they were assigned at birth. For those who believe it, that is a destiny that is impossible to escape. In the scene, you’ll see this in the form of Doms (male dominants) not taking Dommes (female dominants) seriously. While plenty of people switch, the assumption often made of those designated female at birth is that they are inherently submissive, and if they ever switch or indicate otherwise, there are people who still believe that they are “truly” submissive because they are female. This is something that even some of the most “woke” people within the scene tend to believe. Whether it’s belittling a Domme’s competence or assuming that a feminine person designated female at birth is a sub, these assumptions can be quite alienating, especially if you are transgender.

    Feminine people tend to be stereotyped as submissive, and if you’re a woman of color, you may be read as more masculine because white supremacy tends to see femininity through an incredibly narrow lens. I am not dominant, and I have never topped a man sexually or kink-wise. However, because I am a tall, Black transgender woman, people will occasionally read me as masculine, and thus dominant. If I were to call them out for this, they’d likely deny it. Often people within the kink scene want to seem as if they are more inclusive than they truly are, but when you are on the receiving end of this, it becomes hard to ignore.

    Despite not being a Domme, I kept experiencing people not only telling me that I looked like one, but eagerly telling me that I’d be excellent at it, mostly because they liked how I looked and felt it leaned in a more dominant direction. This read of me is incredibly alienating, and it’s why I stopped going to the BDSM dungeons. Frankly, it wasn’t until I lost 70lbs and people started reading me as more feminine because I was smaller that I found fewer people read me as a Domme. At a certain point, this becomes toxic, and I do think it’s important to walk away from spaces and places that don’t seem to see you.

    I think the kink community can be incredibly shallow, and if you’re primarily a person who plays with heterosexual men, you are quite unlikely to find a man who is willing to play with you who “gets it” enough to understand that trans men can be feminine and that doesn’t make them women. Having connected with several male Dominants who have trans men as partners, I’ve certainly noticed a pattern.

    My Observations of Cis Men and Trans Men in The Scene

    Being polyamorous and openly trans means that I often end up dating people who are dating other trans people. On more than a few occasions, I’ve dated men within the kink scene who had partners who were transgender men. I’m not going to say it’s impossible for someone to be attracted to both trans men and trans women, but what I notice from most of these men is that they are almost never interested in cis men, and typically identify as straight. If they don’t, it’s still pretty rare that they have been with men. I’ve had a lot of conversations with ostensibly “straight” men who say their partner “made them gay” because they were a feminine, non-transitioning trans masc or non-binary person. Quite often, these men will misgender their partners when they are not around, and more than just a few of them have confided with me that they miss their partner’s femininity the further that person medically transitions. Frequently, none of this is perceptible to the trans masc or non-binary person, who often conflates the heterosexual man’s attention with validation and allyship. They are often just happy to be with a man and don’t see how little that man actually cares for them. They are often interested in dating me because they would like access to a feminine partner, and I do not date submissive men.

    When I first moved to LA, I dated a liberal lawyer for a very brief time. He was quite handsome. If you were to go to his partner’s social media page, he’s celebrating his growth as a trans man with what is presumably an affirming partner and crowdfunding his top surgery. However, when he was with me, I noticed how often he used “she/her” when referring to him, and he privately confided that he isn’t looking forward to his partner’s top surgery. The two clearly got along quite well and, to my understanding, are still very much together. They’re a very cute couple, but I’ve observed many couples like this in the past, and often when I date these men, they are dating me because they miss femininity.

    Within the BDSM scene, I’ve noticed an uptick in patriarchal Doms shifting themselves to seem safer to people who are designated female at birth, but do not identify as women. People whom I’ve observed mistreat women shift their presentation and change their labels, often around the time they are called out. When I first came to the scene, I was bottoming for a woke Dom who definitely tokenized me as a plus-sized black transgender woman with a bit of clout within the scene. Through the years, I saw this person move just like your standard patriarchal Dom, but the labels made them seem safer. It’s not that I don’t think their identity is real; it’s just that if someone were to look at their identity and assume they are safe because of it, they’d be very wrong, based on what I know. People do change, but these were always people who I -heard- speak at length about their desire to be with men, but when they met me, I kinda ended up calling their bluff.

    Passing has many upsides, but a major downside is that you end up in situations where woke people have to wrestle with their ignorance directly in front of you. I’ve been rejected by most of the “pansexual” Doms I’ve been approached by right after I share with them that I am transgender. My experiences helped me understand the depth of gender essentialism within the BDSM scene and the phony nature of a lot of “woke” Doms. Keep in mind, these aren’t sexual partners; these are people who are doing BDSM with me, usually impact play. But even for the woke pansexual Dom, a line is drawn in the sand for those designated male at birth. With that Dom, what I had to accept was that because I was designated male at birth, no matter how many scenes we did or how much power exchange we’ve done, there was never going to be a moment where they shifted and desired something more intimate with me. And sometimes this has been very hard for me to accept because I’d be bottoming for a man who topped cis women, and I’d see how the aftercare they gave me was more passive, less intimate, and never sexual. To the point where sex and kink were something I stopped anticipating because gender essentialism often dictated that it was entirely off the table. They were comfortable hitting me, but they’d never desire me how they desired a person designated female at birth; because of their parts. And that was dizzying for me, because they would never flat out just say that, but would continue to present as if they were always open; even more so than straight men.

    I say all that to say that I think you’re always going to be in a conundrum when it comes to attempting to form a kink relationship with a cis het man, so I think if you want to avoid binarist relationships, your best bet is to avoid them. For many people, gender is part of their BDSM practice. I’d say it isn’t part of mine, but because I only play with men, that’s hard for me to deny. However, what I’ve come to realize is that this can have many nuances and some of them are alienating to transgender people.

    I’ve known a  decent amount of transgender men who enjoy taking on a feminine persona when they play, and in the vanilla world, there are already men who fetishize the idea of taking a person who is designated female at birth, who isn’t gender conforming, and pressuring them to gender conform. There are indeed men who fetishize transgender men because they imagine that there’s something about them that will get the trans man to relinquish their gender and service their specific desires. Many men fetishize Lesbians and view all gender non conforming people assigned female as stand ins for them. “Dyke/Butch breaking” is a massive fetish and many straight men imagine they will be the exception. As I said, you’re incredibly optimistic if you think cis men in the scene haven’t internalized patriarchal abuse. Because BDSM is more than what is represented in BDSM porn, I think it’s silly to pretend it is inherently patriarchal, but I also think we have to be realistic about the fact that very few men have done the work needed to see it as anything other than that.

    Actionable Steps

    I’m not going to pretend that transgender men are incredibly common within the BDSM scene. There are a few transgender men who come to my munch, and they seem very comfortable within the scene. However, I’ve noticed that, romantically, they predominantly have cis women as partners. I don’t think that’s coincidental. The impression I’ve often gotten from straight men within the scene is that they are more invested than they should be in other people’s judgments of them. As I said, the “pansexual” kink scene often ends up just being the heterosexual scene, and for that reason, there are distinctly sapphic or gay kink scenes.

    There are many people who’ve organized gatherings specifically to address the problem of straight men ruining their BDSM experience. I think that if you are a person who finds the gender binary alienating, your best bet will be with other queer people; and yes, you can still play with men if that’s the only type of person you want to play with. I think that in your specific situation, you’re going to really require a series of deep conversations about gender and boundaries, and I think people within the acronym are far more likely to not just understand, but celebrate your queerness.

    Last week, I popped my head into Wicked Zen, a dungeon in the San Gabriel Valley (where I’m from). I was elated to see many trans and queer people, each there, playing, connecting, and having a good time with people who seemed to understand them. Most local dungeons host queer nights or gatherings specifically for the queer community. In my recent post about BDSM events, I shared several communities that I think would be a great start if you’re in the Los Angeles area.

    Ultimately, finding community should be your focus right now. Go to munches, make friends, gain insight into how others navigate the scene. Bind yourself to other submissives so you can communicate and warn each other. I think one of the worst things you can do is rush. Dominants who do not truly care for you will try to push you too quickly. Focus on making friends and building your community. You probably don’t want to hear this, but that’s what you should be doing in your 20s. Don’t let men ruin your relationship with kink when you’re young. You can and will find the people who are on the same page with you. Yes, you may have to accept a smaller dating pool, but it’s a much higher quality one. It’s okay to be someone who isn’t immediately understood, who is a bit of an acquired taste, but be wary of people who’d want you to prove yourself to them, who hold your respect for your identity hostage. Finding the right people takes time, and you’ve still got plenty of time.

  • FREE SHIPPING ENDS TODAY!

    I just got a bunch of new hoodies from my own shop! Today is the last day you can get free shipping on my shop and the Pride merch will also be retired! Get free shipping now with the code KATPRIDE!

  • Kat Von D’s “Dark Energy”, and The Truth Behind Her Housefire

    In 2010, Kat Von D was living in a cozy little castle-inspired home in the Hollywood Hills, which tragically caught fire, burning her prized possessions and her adorable little cat, Valentine. The controversial LA Ink star hasn’t been in the headlines for quite some time, but recently, Teva, whose mother rented the home to Katherine von Drachenberg, has come to social media to tell the truth his mother was too afraid to tell. Kat Von D has long claimed that the fire was an electrical fire caused by faulty wiring in the make-shift recording studio beneath the home, but TEVA turned to social media to tell the truth: that the fire was actually the result of her candle obsession.

    In his first video, Teva discusses the peculiarity of Drachenberg’s decor, often mentioning the disturbing nature of her taxidermy and overall gothic themes. However, when Drachenberg came to social media to clear her name, she shared an email that seemed to suggest his mother was quite charmed by the decor.

    A handwritten note expressing gratitude for skateboard gifts, mentioning pets and red leather couches.

    It seems their relationship started on a good foot, with Teva actually being quite enamored with her, and Debora, Teva’s mother and the landlord, opening up to her, clearly feeling that she’s found a tenant who appreciates the home. In Teva’s first video, he acknowledges that his mother restored the home, which was originally built in the 1930s. It was a clear labor of love, but she could no longer afford it, so she rented the home out. If you knew anything about Kat Von D in the 2010s, it’s not hard to imagine why she appreciated what she now refers to as a “tiny little house”. In Teva’s videos about the building, he paints a romantic picture of a castle tucked away in the Hollywood Hills. Occasionally referring to himself as “Prince Semi-Charming”, he brings his audience through home, which you can now rent on Airbnb. In the listing, you can see that it’s since been restored from the previous fire.

    @hollywoodhillscastle

    It really does feel like a Disney castle here #castle #losangeles #disney

    ♬ original sound – Teva



    Regardless of the previous goodwill, as the two exchanged emails, you quickly understood how the relationship eventually soured, as many Landlord-tenant relationships do. Drachenberg would regularly complain about the home’s need for electrical repairs, and quite often, instead of hiring an electrician, Debora would simply send over her husband, who wasn’t often good at finishing the repairs in a timely manner.

    A written correspondence discussing issues with a broken carport gate and previous repairs made on the garage door motor, expressing concerns about the quality of workmanship and the potential risks involved.

    When Drachenberg posted her original video response, Teva was quick to return to social media to reveal that he had access to Debora’s email and could review the reports prepared by investigators who disagreed with her assessment that the fire was electrical. Additionally, it was revealed that this was not the first fire caused by candles in the home.

    A text document discussing two instances of fires caused by Drachenberg at a property, detailing the involvement of the Los Angeles Fire Department and the subsequent damage assessments.

    Further documentation also eliminated the possibility of it being an electrical fire.

    Document outlining the origin and cause determination of a fire in a residential property, detailing the investigation findings by a forensic engineer.

    So it seems Kat Von D relied on Teva’s lack of access to certain information to establish a narrative more likely to be believed because of her status. She likely believes that it was an electrical fire, and has not accepted the reality that several investigations have found that her candles caused the fire that ultimately led to the loss of her items and a furry member of her family. From what I know of house fires, it’s one of the most traumatic things you can experience, and it makes sense to me that both parties are traumatized by this incident, and Teva is clearly still mourning a mother whom he loves very much. Having recently lost my own mother, I certainly understand this feeling, along with the desire to make right what you feel has wronged her. However, Teva veers off into a conversation about “dark energy” that reeks of satanic panic nonsense, and I think all of this is a bit simpler than her potentially placing a hex on his mother and somehow being the cause of her death.

    I think Kat Von D has dark energy for dating more than one white supremacist and promoting anti-vaxx nonsense that gets people killed. To me, the issue isn’t her dark clothes or her preferred decor; it’s the way she chooses to present a dishonest and manipulative narrative, which speaks to her character much more. I don’t think Teva needed to make this video at all, though I can understand why this was personally upsetting for him and his family. It seems like Kat Von D ultimately did pay for starting a fire in Teva’s childhood home, and one of the agreements of that was that Debora didn’t go to the public. But this story doesn’t exactly paint a great picture of her, and if I’m being frank, many people in this scenario feel out of touch with me.

    In these emails, it seems pretty clear that Debora had an inappropriate relationship with Kat Von D. They often spoke to each other like friends, and when Debora needed to pay for Teva’s tuition, she contacted her, asking how she’d feel about throwing a few more hundred bucks into the rent to pay for it. Debora used the home to store what were apparently her prized antiques and collectibles, and wasn’t too happy when she found out that Drachenberg had removed a few of the couches from the space. It was an issue. When the items she had stored were damaged in the fire, Drachenberg was blamed.

    An email from Debra discussing a potential rent increase to support her son Teva's college expenses, along with a request to view stored furniture.

    Frankly, this feels like one of those situations to me where both parties weren’t on their best behavior and are not without some sort of fault, but the fact of the matter is, Drachenberg’s negligence with candles started this fire, which greatly upset an ill woman who devoted years of her devotion to restoring a unique home. The fire has harmed both parties, and this was already privately acknowledged. I can understand emotionally why Teva felt compelled to do this, but I’m also unsure whether the goal was simply to draw attention back to the home and thus promote the Airbnb listing. As an audience member who saw this go down live, that’s the most I’m getting from this. That if I wanted to right now, I could spend 30 days at a castle-like Airbnb for what I’m sure is an obscene price.

    What did you think about this story? I’d love to hear what you think in the comment box below! If you liked this post, consider buying me a coffee or subscribing to my blog (it’s free!).b

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  • Reader Response: Should I Open My Relationship To Sleep with Trans Women?

    This morning, I received an inquiry from a reader involving fetishism, non-monogamy, and sex positivity. Since this Reader Request neatly tied together many of my previous posts, I figured I would take the time to respond here on my blog to reinforce and clarify some of my points.

    Hi kat, I just finished your recent video about fetishizing trans women and although I think your observations were great and perfectly Interchangeable for any sex or gender expression, I was wondering if you had specific thoughts about bisexual women who are interested in trans women and or polyamory. I’m in a monogamous relationship with a cishet man and I’d like to open things up. we’ve talked about it and he’s been verbally supportive but he clearly is nervous about the whole thing. Sometimes I wonder if Im self sabotaging by wanting to open up a perfectly healthy relationship but idk it’s just something I keep going back to. I just don’t want to end up one of those sad resentful women who never lived life to their fullest potential. I’d happily marry him and fulfill all the plans we’ve made when the time is right, but idk if I can just shut this part of me off and never explore it at all. Thank you for your time, hope I related my thoughts to each other well.

    Dear Reader,

    Firstly, thank you so much for supporting my work and watching my content. Below is the video version of my previous Reader Response, where I responded to the boyfriend of a transgender woman, and defined what I personally would describe as fetishizing transgender women.

    There are a few things that I want to sort through in my response, but I wanted to give you my first impression of this so that you can understand how many of the transgender people you approach are likely to respond. To be completely frank, I am getting some chaser vibes from this message, and I want to explain why, as I get the impression that this may not be your intent.

    Non-Monogamy, Commitment and Fetishism

    I wrote extensively about this in my initial post about being fetishized by couples who’ve recently opened up their marriages explicitly to explore their bisexuality, and often their attraction to transgender women. These couples are typically seeking what I describe as the “shemale fantasy”; a porn-informed experience where a beautiful woman with a large penis is eager to penetrate and satisfy their partner, who ultimately sees what they’re doing as deeply taboo and thus, deeply erotic. While I believe that desire for a transgender woman’s body is morally neutral, and not inherently fetishistic, what I’ve discovered is that frequently these couples don’t want to be honest about how they truly feel.

    Many of them approach trans women with what they think are their best intentions. They do not want to feel as if they’re exploiting someone, so they add fluffy, flowery language to their approach, and sometimes that’s good enough to get a trans woman to maybe entertain the premise that this person may truly be interested in them. However, with the post-nut-clarity that comes once they’ve had the experience they’ve dreamed of, they often want very little to do with the trans person in question. There have been many times when someone suggested they wanted a romantic relationship with me, only to realize they were just trying to experience me. Quite clumsily, they had to figure out a way to end the relationship, while maintaining what they imagined would be a positive impression. Some of these people are either turned off by the reality or feel like they’ve simply had the experience and may not want to have it again with you. While this is completely valid for someone’s own sexual exploration, for transgender women, these stakes often feel much higher because we are so deeply objectified by society that when rejection appears in our lives like this, it feels like we’re being treated like a defective purchase that needs to be returned. Transgender people often have partners who feel they are somehow doing transgender people a favor by giving them attention or complimenting them, but it’s important to recognize that transgender people also have their own needs and desires, and most of us do not really find it validating that someone wants to sleep with us or objectify us in the long term. Before opening your relationship, you should really think about what that actually looks like. Do you want a little fun on the side, or are you interested in knowing and loving your transgender partners? Being clear about what form of non-monogamy you’re taking is incredibly important.

    Being the subject of people’s sexual experimentation really hurt me because I wasn’t looking for sexual experimentation. My form of non-monogamy is polyamory. Polyamory means “many love,” meaning that for me, romantic love feels expansive. When I love one person, it isn’t impossible for me to love another. As of now, I have three long-term partners whom I all love. They know each other, are cool with each other, and get along mostly because they love me and sorta have similar personalities. I have different commitments to them, but there is no hierarchy. Schedules may conflict, but I do not prioritize one particular partner over another. Those who do prioritize certain partners and would call themselves polyamorous are hierarchical polyamorists. It sounds to me like any transgender woman in your life would have to accept that they come second to your partner because of your sexual interest in them. Holding this unique and delicate space for your cis male partner while limiting your trans woman partner to a purely sexual role will indeed come off as if you’re fetishizing a transgender person because you are only creating a sexual space for them to exist in your life. Perhaps your form of nonmonogamy functions that way, but that may not be appealing to trans women who desire a deeper and more romantic type of ethical non-monogamy.

    Sometimes, as we conceptualize what a non-monogamous lifestyle looks like, our fantasies do not align with our reality. Couples attempting to add a new person to their relationship will often find that, especially if they are of different genders, they rarely find someone who is attracted to both of them. This is why a person who is attracted to both partners is usually called a “unicorn” because they are a rarity. Many unicorns who are welcomed into a relationship will initially be excited at the prospect of dating a couple, but will be disappointed when they calculate that said couple truly only sexually desires them. Many unicorns have gone on to argue that they’ve felt as if they were being used as a sex toy, and the relationship ends poorly, often with a lot of drama. Typically, it goes that way because of miscommunication. You have a couple who wanted to open up but wanted to do it the “right” way; they often put the cart before the horse and crash and burn because they rush into non-monogamy without fully processing that the people they involve are also people with relationship goals. Listen to Unicorns share their personal stories with couples here.

    I was once the girlfriend of a married man who pushed his wife to open their relationship so he could explore his sexuality, which he felt was limited by monogamy. In my last post, I talked about my ex, David. He fetishized me, and when his sex drive dropped, he found it hard to justify spending time with me. Our relationship was intense and sometimes controversial, but when it ended, he seemed finished with me. When he left the country because he was afraid of genocide and didn’t include me in his plans, it became obvious that, despite his progressive talk, he only wanted me around when I fulfilled his sexual needs. He wanted to be seen as ethical, but I had to face the fact that he fetishized me and didn’t care about my well-being. If I had realized he was only interested in me for that reason, I wouldn’t have spent so much time with him. What really bothered me was that he didn’t value my goals or respect that we wanted different things. He wanted the experience of being with a trans woman, but when things got difficult, he left me in the states to face genocide while he protected his family. I think the first step to building productive intimacy with a trans woman is respecting that she is deserving of safety and understanding as you are. The often condescending attitude of those who fetishize trans women would not really exist in a culture that granted that trans women also have desires of their own. If you want to be intimate with a trans woman, you should be honest and clear about your feelings, instead of pretending to want what she wants just to get what you want.

    David and his wife called themselves polyamorous, but their relationship was really more of an open relationship. People often confuse these terms, so I always ask for clarity before starting something new. Open relationships usually happen when one partner feels they aren’t sexually compatible with their partner and wants to explore that. These relationships are often focused on sex, not love. On our first few dates, I made it clear that I was seeking love, but David was mainly interested in me for sex. At the end, it bothered me when they called themselves polyamorous, since they were really looking for friends to have sex with, not romantic partners. Polyamory is about love, even though polyamorous people can have casual sex too. Usually, love is still possible, unlike in many open relationships. David did nice things for me and showed he cared, but his main love was for his wife and kids. When he left the country without me, that made it clear. Our breakup was sudden and painful. If you just want more sexual partners to have fun with, you don’t need to call that polyamory, or even better, you can specify that you do not have romantic feelings for trans women if that is how your sexuality functions. Sure, you’re going to be rejected and maybe even challenged on your ideas, but many of us who are polyamorous do not want to devote our energies and time to people who are more monogamously minded, who choose to treat everyone who isn’t their primary partner like they exist to play a role in their lives and their relationship. Polyamory is a popular word, but it means something real to those of us who live it.

    It doesn’t seem like you and your future husband are looking for a third partner, and it sounds like your partner isn’t really interested in you exploring non-monogamy beyond sex. You need to seriously consider how important your desires are and whether ending the relationship might make you both happier in the long run. When I was in a monogamous relationship, I was curious about polyamory and non-monogamy, but I wasn’t sure if I was truly polyamorous. One of the main reasons I broke up with my ex was because I realized he needed monogamy to be happy. He wouldn’t have been comfortable with me having other partners or sharing my love. Even though I loved him, I knew my desires didn’t match his. If I had stayed, we might have gotten married, but I would have been miserable. Maybe it would have felt good at first to imagine marriage and that lifestyle, but deep down, I knew I wouldn’t be happy with his version of it. Because I loved him, I let him go. Now, I think we’d both agree it was for the best. Last I heard, he was happily married, and I’m glad for him. I loved him a lot, and it makes me happy that he found someone who shares his idea of love and romance.

    You should ask yourself whether the “extra” people in your life are there just to meet your needs, or to be in a relationship where both of you feel valued. Some trans women are interested in being with cis women who haven’t been with a trans woman before, but most of us are tired of being fetishized. What bothers me about many cis people’s attraction to trans women is that it often ignores what most trans women actually experience. Many trans women have strong bottom dysphoria, even if they don’t have surgery. Hormones usually cause a decrease in penis size and function. When cis people assume that trans women have large, functional penises, it’s upsetting because most trans women don’t want that or can’t do that. Being able to get an erection often shows whether a trans woman’s anti-androgen medication is working to lower testosterone, which is the goal for most trans women on HRT. Testosterone affects how your genitals work. Trans porn stars sometimes use supplements or adjust their hormones to perform. Still, some trans women do enjoy topping, so it’s not impossible to find what you’re looking for; but I think you’ll have the easiest time looking for it with honest and clear communication of your desires.

    Communication, Honesty, and Cutting Through The Bullshit

    It’s understandable to worry about fetishizing trans women, but wanting casual sex doesn’t always mean you’re fetishizing someone. Many trans women are seen only in a sexual way, which can be harmful. Sometimes I don’t tell people I’m transgender to avoid being fetishized right away. If you want to date or have relationships with trans women, be honest and open from the beginning. Your main relationship will affect how things go. Be very clear about your intentions and limits. If you’re unsure about being attracted to a trans woman’s body, say so. If you’ve never been with a trans woman, say so. If you don’t know how to start, say so. Honest and clear communication is the best way to build trust in any relationship, but especially with a trans woman who is often going to feel lied to.

    I’m going to write an example of how I think you can communicate your current desires, and I’d like to hear what other transgender readers think about it.

    Hello there! I saw your profile, and I read that you are transgender. I wanted to introduce myself, and see if you’re comfortable with what I’m currently looking for:
    I am partnered to a man whom I love very dearly, and he recently gave me the greenlight to explore my bisexuality and seek partners who are not cis men. We are still very much figuring out what non-monogamy means to us, and right now, I’d say I’m mostly curious about the sexual side of non-monogamy. Full transparency, I’ve never been with a transgender woman, and it’s something that I’ve wanted to potentially explore with you. I’ve been curious about being penetrated by a transgender woman. It’s something I’ve really wanted to explore, and if it’s something you’re open to, I think you’re gorgeous, and I was wondering if you were interested in exploring that with me.

    You might get different reactions to this message, so I suggest only sending it to a transgender woman who has said she wants to dominate or top. Since trans women are often approached for sex, many of us make our preferences clear in our dating profiles and can feel frustrated if you ask us to top after we’ve said we’re not interested. Most cis people interested in trans women should understand that many trans women have complex feelings about their bodies, and that what you see in pornography isn’t real life. It’s best to assume this is a sensitive topic, especially if it’s your main focus. I sometimes wish that men I’ve dated, who seemed confident and open to being with transgender women, had just been honest about their lack of experience and their limits when it came to long-term relationships. Polyamorous people often explore sexually, but if you’re only interested in a trans person to help you explore, it’s important to be clear so they know what they’re agreeing to. Some people will always think you’re a fetishist if your main reason for being with a trans woman is wanting both male genitalia and feminine traits. Still, it’s very important to be honest about your intentions, your limits, and what you are or aren’t willing to do, even if it might make others uncomfortable.

    Looking back on my own sexual exploration, it was often messy. There are things I tried that I never want to do again, and some experiences left a strong impact on me. Sadly, I mostly experienced trauma from realizing that many people I slept with didn’t care if I was really present. My body was just a way for them to explore their own desires. These experiences have caused me great heart. They were dehumanizing, and historically, the trauma from them has caused me to withdraw sexually. If you don’t want to be part of why a trans woman feels that way, you should let her define herself instead of wanting her to slip into a role you’ve already imagined. It botheres me so much how open I am about not wanting to dominate or top and how often people insist on asking me if I’m sure I don’t want to realize their fantasy because they cannot imagine me doing anything else with them than that.

    Actionable Steps

    Before you do anything, talk with your partner about what non-monogamy means for both of you. Opening up your relationship could end it, and I’ve seen that happen many times. Sometimes, people find new partners who are a better fit, which can be difficult. Ask yourself why you want to be in this relationship and marriage with this cis man. Is it for legal reasons, or for the social acceptance that comes with being seen as a ‘heterosexual’ couple? I know many married polyamorous people, and the most successful ones are open about exploring multiple relationships. Aside from unicorn hunting, couples who explore ethical non-monogamy together often end up stronger. I find that those who date separately, but keep communication open, often have more productive relationships and more thriving polycules.

    I met Alexander at Poly Cocktails Los Angeles, a polyamory social event. He was there with his wife and her boyfriend. We connected, and things went from there. I’m his first transgender partner, and I know we work well together because he was attracted to me before he knew I was trans, and he wasn’t bothered by it. He didn’t fetishize me or focus on the fact that I was trans. He liked me for who I am and pursued me. You can have a marriage and still go after what you want, but finding a supportive community is key. Getting to know people socially is also very important. I’m not saying you should make trans friends just because you’re sexually curious about them. But if you live somewhere with events like munches, try going to one focused on ethical non-monogamy. Talk to others who are exploring non-monogamy, and keep your partner informed; better yet, involve him in these conversations. Taking things slowly helps you avoid making promises you can’t keep.

    If you can’t attend events in person, there are online support groups you can find through apps like Plura. Being part of a community with other non-monogamous people is important, and sometimes you’ll meet a trans woman who matches what you’re looking for. You can have a casual sexual relationship if that’s what you want, but in my experience, the best sex has been with men who see me as a whole person. My previous experiences with fetishism meant that It took me a while to trust that my partners weren’t fetishizing me, but actually cared about me. Only recently have I started to feel like I’m moving forward and learning new things about sex positivity because I feel that I have their clear trust and love. Having a partner who wants to be with you because they care about you is very different from being with someone who just wants to use your body. Not being treated like an object has helped me open up. It’s a great feeling, and you can experience it too if you communicate clearly and honestly, even if it’s not well-received.

    That’s all I have to say! Please share your thoughts for this reader in the comments below.

    Do you have a question you’d like me to answer?

  • The Best ENM and BDSM Socials/Munches in Los Angeles

    (Photos of me taken by Plan-B, who I met many years ago at the Sherman Oaks Munch. These are taken in 2018 at Threshold Society, right when I moved to Los Angeles. )

    When I moved to Los Angeles years ago, I made it a priority to explore the local ENM and BDSM scenes. My journey began with an Uber ride from the City of Orange to the Sherman Oaks Munch at Sportsmen’s Lodge, a major gathering place for BDSM enthusiasts at the time. A munch, for those unfamiliar, is simply a social meetup at a bar or restaurant for people who share an interest. While Sherman Oaks Munch was once one of the few gatherings, today, LA hosts many, each with its own character. After a decade of participating in these spaces, I want to highlight some of my favorite LA gatherings and organizations.

    Full transparency, included in this list is the one I’ve been hosting for the past 5 years. You can see which events I’m hosting on my event page.

    Why Go To a Munch?

    You may be inclined to jump right into the scene, but my suggestion is that munches are the best place to begin your sex positivity journey. In Los Angeles, there are several dedicated spaces for BDSM that we would typically describe as “dungeons.” Attending a dungeon event without prior connections or knowledge of the local scene can increase your risk of encountering unsafe situations. It is easier for someone with ill intentions to target newcomers who may not yet understand community norms or recognize trusted members. No scene is completely free of bad actors. It’s important to remain realistic and cautious, as harmful behavior can occur, sometimes even involving people close to event organizers. I wrote a whole post about the places and spaces to avoid in LA, and I still stand by what I said. To safeguard yourself when starting out, begin with small talk in lower-risk social settings like a BDSM munch. Get to know the community, ask about reputations, and avoid isolating yourself with unfamiliar attendees. This helps you gain safer access to the community outside of a dungeon context.

    Attending The Sherman Oaks Munch helped me build a strong network in the scene. Through these connections, I’m able to get insights about other participants to ensure safety when meeting new people.

    Recently, while reflecting on my BDSM journey online, I received a thoughtful message from a submissive I’d met years ago at a munch. Our discussion emphasized how valuable these community connections can be for self-discovery and support. Many of my friendships have grown outside of the BDSM context thanks to these events. Munches have helped me find a vibrant, inclusive circle of friends and colleagues in LA.

    As a Los Angeles munch host for five years, I’ve consistently seen how munches attract a diverse, open-minded crowd. Many attendees feel uplifted after meeting others who share their interests, even if they’re just seeking friends. My event is particularly welcoming to those looking to meet more queer and inclusive folks in LA.

    Groups to follow:

    SPLA

    Sex Positive Los Angeles is one of the first groups I joined in LA. They offer a variety of events, from community potlucks to themed parties organized by selected members. Their programming ranges from casual to adventurous, depending on membership. SPLA remains active and relevant; information is available on their website.

    FWB Clubhouse

    FWB Clubhouse is a queer-owned group known for diverse and inclusive events, with special attention to POC and Trans communities. They prioritize community building, mutual aid, and sexual education. FWB Clubhouse hosts a variety of parties and supports other organizers; more info is available on Instagram.

    SAKE

    SoCal Asian Kink Events is an Asian-centered but open BDSM group in LA. They provide a space where Asian kinksters are included and respected in a scene that often stereotypes them. Friends praise their events, and details are on their Instagram.

    SAFEWORD

    SafewordLA is a women-led, inclusive art collective that offers BDSM experiences in unexpected venues such as nightclubs and art galleries. They aim to make a positive impact beyond club scenes and focus on community contributions. SafewordLA helps introduce newcomers to BDSM responsibly. See more information on their linktree.

    Devil Mask Society

    Devil Mask Society (DMS) is a queer-owned studio in DTLA specializing in rope education. They offer both intensive rope classes and casual rope socials in a yoga-studio setting. DMS is welcoming to trans participants and recognized for high-quality rope instruction. My partner, Nathan, went through one of their cells, and I’d heavily suggest it to those who are serious about learning how to do rope. You can find more information on their website.

    LA Kinky Weirdos

    LA Kinky Weirdos is a community I founded during the pandemic to create an intentionally inclusive BDSM gathering. Hosting monthly munches in Silver Lake, we focus on diversity and welcoming trans and gender-diverse people. Over five years, we’ve fostered a space for all identities in LA’s scene, and I’m very proud of what we’ve done.

    With support from 910 WeHo, we raised $11,000 for The Los Angeles Gay and Lesbian Center at previous events. Now, we focus on hosting our monthly munch, but we may revisit parties soon.

    The Best Munches/Socials

    ENM

    Poly Cocktails Los Angeles

    Poly Cocktails Los Angeles (PCLA) was among my first polyamory events and regularly meets on the second Wednesday of the month on the upper level of The State Social House in West Hollywood. The friendly hosts and loyal attendees make it an excellent space for meeting others at different ENM stages. I even met Alexander there six years ago, and I’m very thankful for the event.

    Plura’s ENM Social

    Plura’s ENM Social at Untamed Spirits, a woman-owned sports bar, is another great option and tends to attract a larger crowd than PCLA. There’s significant overlap between the people who attend this event and those who attend my event. The ENM social happens on the last Monday of every month.

    BDSM

    LA Kinky Weirdos Munch

    Promotional graphic for the LA Kinky Weirdos Munch, highlighting a welcoming space for the Los Angeles BDSM and ENM community, emphasizing inclusivity for queer, trans, and people of color.

    The LA Kinky Weirdos Munch is the munch that I host every second Thursday at Untamed Spirits. It’s one of the more diverse BDSM oriented socials in the city, and I’d say we have an over-representation of transgender folks, sapphics, and people of color. I chose the name because I wanted to cultivate a space where people who identified as weirdos would, perhaps, feel less weird. My event is often attended by other organizers, and it’s a great event for people new to the BDSM scene or simply looking for more queer friends. Everyone is welcome, and the venue is outdoors, reflecting our continued commitment to COVID-conscious practices.

    LA Sapphic Social

    The LA Sapphic Social also takes place at Untamed Spirits and is a lovely gathering for Sapphics, hosted by a dear colleague of mine. I was so happy when she told me she was going to organize something specifically for sapphics, as many of the attendees at my events have complained about a lack of events explicitly for them. While this is a BDSM centered social, like mine, it’s welcoming to vanillas. The event happens on the second Wednesday of each month.

    Los Angeles Black Munch

    The Los Angeles Black Munch is a really great munch exclusively for black kinksters. It takes place in Culver City on the second Tuesday of each month. It’s one of the only black-centered munches within the LA county area, and I think if you’re black, it’s a great place to connect with the Black BDSM scene of LA. It’s an event I wish I had made it to more frequently. You can find information about the munch via Fetlife.

    Rosy Peaches Munch

    The Rosy Peaches Munch is a spanko-dedicated munch that happens at the Auld Fella in Culver City every last Wednesday. From what I’ve seen of the community, it’s a great place to meet a wide range of people who are specifically interested in spanking and community. I’ve heard many people speak fondly of their events.

    WeHo Munch

    The WeHo Munch holds a special place in my heart because it’s a good intersection of some of my favorite people in the scene. The WeHo Munch is where I see all the people on the Westside who often don’t make it over to my area on the Eastside. It happens at the Mic’s Bar in West Hollywood every second Tuesday. Look for the person in the sequin robe, and you’ll know you’re at the right place.

    Meetup Cheat Sheet

    ENM Munches

    Poly Cocktails Los Angeles – Every second Wednesday @ State Social House in West Hollywood

    Plura’s ENM Social – Every last Monday @ Untamed Spirits in Silverlake

    BDSM

    LA Kinky Weirdos Munch – Every second Thursday @ Untamed Spirits in Silverlake

    LA Sapphic Social – Every second Wednesday @ Untamed Spirits in Silverlake

    Los Angeles Black Munch – Every second Tuesday @ Location TBA in Culver City

    Rosy Peaches Munch – Every Last Wednesday @ Auld Fella in Culer City

    We Ho Munch – Every second Tuesday @ Mic’s Bar in West Hollywood

    This is my list as of Friday, June 5th 2026. If I make any updates to this post, I will indicate them. That said, I hope this list is helpful to you on your journey into sex positivity within the city.

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  • The Dating Advice For Trans Women I Wish I Got When I Was Younger

    (Blog thumbnail is a photograph of Nathan and I by my friend, @Mypolyamlife)

    Despite TikTok’s controversies, its algorithm excels at connecting me with other transgender content creators. As a long-time transgender content creator, I’ve often felt like I was on my own, having these conversations by myself, and it’s been nice to know that I’m not alone. Frequently, we use the internet to start conversations about our interpersonal relationships, and transgender women often feel misunderstood when it comes to their pursuit of romance. It’s for that reason that I’ve spoken openly about my romantic life, often sharing the good, the bad, and the ugly. Recently, I shared some of what I think is my best dating advice for transgender women, using the content of TikTok creators to frame my advice, while sharing what I’ve learned from my own romantic pitfalls. While my polyamory may not exactly be relevant to most of my readers’ personal lifestyles, I figured I would share what I’ve learned about dating men that’s led me to long-term partnerships I once thought were completely impossible for transgender women. I wanted to summarize and expand upon some of what I said in that video in this blog post.

    Now that I’m 35, I’ve spent much of my life dealing with men who are interested in transgender women. Over the years, I’ve noticed patterns in how these men act, and I feel it’s important to be honest about what I’ve seen. If you’re a trans woman new to dating men, you should know that some men seek out trans women because they think we have lower self-esteem and are easier to manipulate. In a society that puts men first, women’s needs often get pushed aside. Men may say what they think you want to hear just to get what they want, and their needs usually come first. I’ve had times where I gave myself to someone and was left wondering why he didn’t follow through on his promises. Some straight men act like they’re doing you a favor by giving you attention. They enjoy the experience of a woman vying for his attention. Most men never experience that. Often, men who are ignored by cis women end up being pursued by trans women. Sometimes, all a man has to do is act a little masculine and straight, and that alone makes him desirable to trans women. I remember when some Men’s Rights Activists questioned if trans women were a real long-term option in a world where they claimed women had “lost” their femininity. Men who say they prefer trans women often claim it’s because we’re “more” feminine than cis women. My advice is: don’t let that go to your head.

    Misogynistic Chaser Triangulation: “You’re More Feminine Than Most Women”

    @thefacialfemmes

    hard truth, soft shell 🌮 #trans #mtf #dating #thefacialfemmes #dolls

    ♬ original sound – thefacialfemmes

    The Facial Femmes recently talked about how, when they share their dating experiences with their straight, cisgender friends, they often get questioned about the sexuality of men who are attracted to transgender women. While there are many bisexual people who want to date and love trans women, in my experience, most men who are interested in me identify as straight. Despite what some people think, straight men make up most of the dating pool for transgender women, and dating them often means dealing with their ideas about their own sexuality. Some men claim to prefer trans women, but still date cis women and often end up in relationships with them. Straight men might say they only dated a cis woman because you weren’t around, but usually, they’re with her because they want to be, and oftentimes, they are gaining something from the relationship. When most of your options are straight men, it’s hard not to notice how many use women to keep up appearances. Even men who say they prefer trans women are often already with a cis woman they don’t plan to leave. Many trans women meet closeted or “DL” men who don’t want anyone to know they’re with a trans woman, even though they claim to prefer us. When I started insisting that men take me out on real dates, it weeded out those who only wanted something casual. It helped me see who was serious and who wasn’t. I learned that actions matter more than words. Once you’re confident enough not to take it as a compliment when someone says you’re more feminine than a cis woman, you start to see that these men are using misogyny and hoping you’ll accept it.

    At first, being objectified can feel validating, especially if you’re a trans woman who hasn’t faced much direct misogyny before. It’s easy to see catcalling in movies and think it’s a compliment when someone whistles at you. But in real life, it’s much more harmful. Catcalling comes from a sense of entitlement, not genuine interest. When men say things like, “smile, sweetheart,” they’re asking you to please them, even if you’re unhappy. Misogyny can seem normal because it’s so common, so I understand why some trans women might not notice it in compliments that compare them to cis women. But to me, it’s not subtle at all. These comments are really about valuing women for how they look to men, and many men aren’t shy about their misogyny. It’s important for trans women to notice when their partners are being misogynistic, because misogyny is at the root of transphobia. Men who say trans women are more attractive than cis women often believe only those who appeal to straight men are truly women, and this idea was even used in the past to decide who got medical care. Misogynistic men are often abusive, and when they try to get you to agree with their views, they’re trying to separate you from other women.

    I believe it’s crucial for trans women to understand misogyny, because it affects us too. It was disappointing to hear The Facial Femmes accept this way of thinking, but I know it’s a common phase for many trans women. Chasers often give too much praise because they know many trans women are hungry for validation. If you let it go to your head, you become easier to manipulate. Men who say they prefer you because you don’t have periods or are “better” at femininity are being dishonest and misogynistic. It’s not about your looks, but about their hope that you’ll dislike other women and not notice their manipulation. That’s an insult to your intelligence, and it says a lot. There are many glamorous cis women who are great at presenting femininity, but they usually have higher self-esteem and higher standards, which is why some men turn to trans women, hoping for less effort. Too many amazing trans women settle for less just to feel validated.

    The Power Dynamic of Disclosure: How Our Objectification Disrupts Patriarchy

    @samanthaevangeli

    #trans #transgirls #transgender #transwoman #trending

    ♬ original sound – Sam – Samantha🏳️‍⚧️

    Samantha Evangelista’s open conversation with a man attracted to trans women touched on the common conflict transgender women face in a culture where objectification is so normal that just being in a room as a woman who isn’t appealing to a straight man can be dangerous. She shares her own experiences with this in nightlife, and in my video, I tell a short story about a man who got angry with me when he suspected I was transgender, and I didn’t tell him because I wasn’t attracted to him.

    Not long ago, some cis women were sharing a “hack” to get men to leave them alone. The idea was to tell men you’re transgender so they would be repulsed and walk away. When I saw this online, it annoyed me because I know from experience that it doesn’t always work that way. If you look cis, men might think you’re lying, just like when women say they have a boyfriend to get men to leave them alone. If they do believe you, many cis women would be surprised by how few men actually care when they’re attracted to you. It’s also not true that telling a man will protect you from sexual assault. In my experience, it’s often after I tell a man I’m transgender that he becomes more sexually aggressive. When Ron Jeremy sexually assaulted me, he put his hand on my crotch and felt around before assuming I was telling the truth. There are many misconceptions about how men react to this information. Still, it’s true that most heterosexual men feel anxious about finding out that a woman they’re attracted to is transgender.

    In my video, I share a story about a man I wasn’t attracted to who got upset with me for being transgender because he was attracted to me. My rule is that I don’t want to be intimate with anyone who doesn’t know I’m transgender. This is not just for my safety, but also for my own sexual happiness. Straight men often think trans women are trying to “trick” them, and many truly believe that the main reason transgender women transition is to satisfy men’s sexual desires. This idea comes from a misogynistic culture that sees femininity as existing only for men. That’s why men often comment on how much makeup a woman wears and whether it’s pleasing to men, as if that’s what matters. Because many men can’t imagine a woman existing without wanting to be desired by men, trans women often have to explain that they don’t exist just for men’s attention. This leads to the assumption that transgender women’s gender expression is always sexual. Of course, this is also a common assumption about feminine gender expression in general, but in a patriarchal culture, it is seen as a unique violation for someone assigned male at birth to be feminine enough to be objectified by a heterosexual man. So trans women are seen as uniquely predatory in a culture that doesn’t want to stop objectifying women.

    The story I share in the video comes from my current stage of polysaturation, where I feel I have as many partners as I can handle. For the most part, I’m not interested in meeting new men for romantic or sexual connections, and if I were, this guy wouldn’t have been a good fit. What surprised me was that even after I told him I wasn’t interested and didn’t find him attractive, he was still upset that I didn’t introduce myself as Kathryn, The Transsexual. When he showed interest in me, he was really using me to boost his masculinity in front of others. This happens to me a lot because I’m a bit of a lone wolf when I’m not with my partners. Men often approach me, and some even ask for my number; not because they’re truly interested, but because they want to look good in front of others. In these situations, I’m expected to play along, be agreeable, and make them look good in a group. Men have often made me feel responsible for their image and pressured me to act in ways that make them look better, even if it goes against what I want. When I’ve dated men like this, it meant taking a back seat in my own life. My needs and desires never came first. Trans women are pressured to uphold patriarchy both by men who don’t desire them and want them to out themselves, and by men who do desire them but don’t want to lose the social standing that comes with being seen as a straight, cis man. He might say he’s angry with me for not telling him, but really, he’s upset that he objectified me in public and now his friends know he’s attracted to more than just cis women. He blames me, but it’s not actually my fault.

    My partner, Alexander, did not know that I was transgender when we met, and he wouldn’t find out until I made a Facebook post referencing it before our first date. When I had a conversation with him about it on the second date, I was relieved that he didn’t care, but I also wasn’t hiding it; I just wanted to be clear with him because I was interested in pursuing a long-term relationship. While I am no longer stealth, the reality is that it’s impossible to know me and not eventually find out that I’m trans. The idea of dating a person long-term, who doesn’t know, is, in my opinion, a delusional fantasy not frequently found in reality. I can count on one hand the number of conversations Alexander and I have had about me being transgender, but part of being my partner is knowing that about me and accepting it. When you withhold that information while pursuing a relationship with a man, you place yourself in an inequitable position. There have been many times in the past when I pursued a man while trying to convince him of the fact that I am not the embodiment of all the negative conceptions people have of trans women. Suddenly, the relationship would only progress if he could accept that I was just like every other woman. It was an unwinnable game, not because I’m not a woman, but because ultimately it was always something that could be used against me. Playing into that game meant the relationship was no longer mutual, and the most important thing was whether I performed my role correctly. A relationship where your actions are constantly surveilled and measured for value is not one that engenders intimacy.

    He’s Gotta Do More Than Take You Out

    @bbgirlallie

    A bit of a long one. Love my trans brothers & sisters dzownnn. Happy start of pride month 🫰🏼

    ♬ original sound – 𝒷𝒶𝒷𝓎𝑔𝒾𝓇𝓁 🦋

    In my recent video, I shared a clip from trans creator Babygirl Allie, who noticed that the trans men in the hospital she visited seemed to have more success with long-term relationships. Many trans women believe that trans men are more accepted in society than trans women. I don’t fully agree with this, but I can see how cis women partnered with trans men might be more supportive in the hospital than cis men who date trans women. Many cis women have experienced getting sick and having their partners pull away, not being as present as they hoped. From what I’ve seen, cis men raised in a patriarchal environment are more likely to see women as a utility, which is why they often pull away when things get inconvenient. On the other hand, women are often raised to believe that caretaking is their responsibility. I’ve noticed that cis women are often more open to dating trans people of any orientation than cis men. In the past, I’ve thought my romantic life would be easier if I dated women, because it seemed like cis women were more comfortable dating me than cis men. I believe that since cis women don’t benefit from patriarchy the way cis men do, the stigma they face is different and often less severe. I’ve also known many cis men dating trans men, and most of those men identified as straight and didn’t like that their partner was medically transitioning. When it comes to trans men, I’ve noticed that cis women tend to be more affirming than cis men, and trans men who date cis men often struggle. Beyond that, this made me want to remind everyone that there’s more to choosing a partner than just making sure they’re willing to be seen with you in public.

    I dated a married polyamorous guy, let’s call him David. At one point, I probably would have said David was the ideal guy. He took me out on dates, was proud to be with me, and I even met his kids and wife. We dated for quite a while, and I enjoyed most of it, but things changed when the pandemic hit. David is Jewish, and during the first Trump administration, he was afraid of persecution and decided to take his whole family out of the country. He only told me about these plans after he’d already made them, leaving me out. I understood that he would put his wife and kids first, but I was surprised that I wasn’t considered at all. It really bothered me that as he worried about the possibility of genocide, he didn’t think of me, even though I’m at a higher risk. We were fluid-bonded, and I trusted him with my body, but he was willing to leave me behind to save himself. We broke up soon after.

    “I refuse to share my body with a man who wouldn’t politically protect it”

    – Kat Blaque

    When you’re first starting to date, it might seem hard to find men who want to take you out and treat you well, but trust me, you will find them. When you do, remember that you’re valuable enough for that to be the starting point, not the definitive reason to enter into a relationship. I had to date a lot to realize there are plenty of men who are comfortable being seen with me in public and showing we’re attracted to each other. It felt novel to me for longer than it should have. In the end, I realized I needed to be with men who were truly willing to go the distance with me.

    An assortment of fresh vegetables including leafy greens, orange carrots, and purple radishes, alongside a black leather belt and a white face mask. The background suggests a kitchen or workspace.

    Alexander and I started dating right before the pandemic. As I talked with him about this blog and remembered my experience with David, he recalled me venting to him about it back then. Alexander is also married, but he and his wife make a real effort to include me in their life plans. Like David, I’m Alexander’s first transgender partner, but he liked me as a person and was interested in me before he knew that about me. Alexander admired my personality and how I carried myself, and that didn’t change once he knew. During the pandemic, Alexander would visit me, fully masked, and we’d stay socially distant while he brought me groceries and checked in to make sure I was okay during quarantine. Now, we feel a bit nostalgic for that time when we were still getting to know each other, but already cared a lot for each other. When my father died, he paid for Edward and me (my family loves Edward) to go to Boston and handle my dad’s affairs. It might sound basic, but as a trans woman, I’ve often felt it was impossible for a man to value me that much, even in these simple ways. I had to start believing I was worthy of it to receive it.

    X-ray image of a left foot, showing the bones of the toes and the metatarsals.

    Edward and I started dating after quarantine, and out of all my partners, he probably does the most for me. When I stepped on a needle and needed it pulled out, he waited with me in the ER for 12 hours. He got up and advocated for me while I was in pain, and held my hand as the doctor removed it. Again, that might sound basic, but I’ve learned that many men will disappear as soon as things get hard and you ask to be treated like a real person.

    Sometimes we want relationships before we really think about who we’ll be in them. It’s not a coincidence that my relationships are going well now. I’ve learned that a man who wants you to feel good when he puts down other women will eventually put you down, too. Fetishists can rarely keep up the act for long, and there are plenty of reasons besides being transgender to be careful about sharing intimacy with a man. As you develop a stronger sense of self, you’re more likely to attract partners who add to your life, not take away from it. I believe the key to finding a partner is being content with who you are when you’re single. For transgender women, that might take time, but having a strong sense of self is how you attract the right partners and keep your identity in a relationship. It’s easy to feel left out when you’re not dating like everyone else, but I didn’t find my current partners until I started my journey of self-discovery in LA and began living in a way that felt true to me. I don’t go around announcing that I’m transgender, but it’s not a secret I’m hiding either. By living authentically, no one can use who I am against me.

    I hope this post helped save someone the stress! If you enjoyed the read, please consider subscribing to my blog below. Reminder that you can always send me requests or queries here. Check out my last Reader Response!

    If this post was at all helpful, consider sending me a tip or joining my Patreon for more exclusive content.

  • Trying On My New Merch

    Recently, I’ve made a conscious effort to reconnect with my creativity, and one of the first things I wanted to do was create new merchandise for my YouTube channel. It just so happens that I’m also in the market for new clothes after losing a bunch of weight. So when I sat down to design my merch, I decided that instead of creating typical influencer merch, I’d make something I’d actually wear. I’ve always found content creator merch not exactly something that resonates with me. I know money is tight for a lot of people, and I wanted to design things that would be cute and interesting, even to someone who knew nothing about me. Additionally, I wanted to create things that truly honored who I was and the ideas I promote. So, naturally, when I sat down to sketch some of my first designs, I drew a skull and crossbones.

    Sketches featuring various designs including a cat skull, crossed bones, and playful character illustrations in green pencil on a blank page.
    A green sketch of a logo featuring a cat skull above crossed bones, with the text 'KAT BLAQUE' overlaying the design.

    After my first batch of underwhelming merch and some feedback from Patreon members, I sat down to do this sketch on the back of my patio with a ballpoint pen. The past few years have been a lot of self-reflection for me. Losing my parents has made me somewhat nostalgic. I’ve started to remember the time in my life when I was perhaps the most authentic version of my weirdness. A time when I loved dressing up in a pirate-esc look and had truly started to embrace my alternative style. It sounds really trite, but I used to soothe myself by sketching skulls on paper during class. Yeah, I was one of those kids. Back then, I lived in hoodies and bandanas, and I was pretty obsessed with stripes. In the age of AI, it felt nice to scribble on paper, in such an imperfect but committed medium. I’ve always loved sketching with a ballpoint pen. If you look closely, you’ll see that I only drew half of it and then mirrored it in Photoshop to work on the line art. This era we’re in has made me appreciate my ability and just how much I can do with a simple drawing. After cleaning up the illustration and creating several different colorways, I decided to order my first samples, and I was overjoyed with the results!

    The moment I started trying stuff on, I knew that I was ready to release. There were some things we had to change, and I’m still sorting through some of our issues, but in general, I was really happy with the quality of the items I was able to create through Fourthwall. If you’re a content creator looking for a new platform to create your merch, I cannot suggest them enough!!. Every design I’ve released so far is print-on-demand. I design the art, and Fourthwall does all the printing and shipping for me. I wanted to order a bunch of samples to ensure everything in my store felt and looked good. I would say my only main gripe with my items is that all sublimated items (the flares, the hoodies, some of the shirts) have a white background/inside. Meaning that with stretchy material, the white sometimes shows through the designs. It’s a little annoying, but I don’t think it ruins the garments. It does mean that I tend to like the lighter items that are sublimated. I put a lot of white in the design for my red remix hoodie because it helps balance the design out a bit.

    Now, I’ve gotta be honest, I’ve developed a bit of a problem. I’ve created so many items…and I want them all. I basically live in my own merch these days!

    Right now, I’d say I am pretty obsessed with the flares, the bikinis, and the hoodies. Together, they make a pretty cool tracksuit. I’ve been wondering about creating bundles and selling them as just that! When it comes to the flares, I would say order a size down if you want them to fit snug, order your size if you want the ability to fold over the waistband.

    If you purchased something from my store, I am so very thankful for your support. I did not realize how much I’d love making items for both myself and my audience. Frankly, much of this is reminding of how, at one point, I wanted to design clothes and textiles. Occasionally, I have to remind myself that it isn’t too late for me to do that. That I now own so many of the clothes I’ve designed in one way or another is pretty cool. I’ll even be doing a lot of T-shirt DIY with a bunch of my designs on both my blog and my YouTube channel at some point. Here’s the result of a t-shirt I DIY’d.

    Previously, I had planned to release a bunch of new merch through Teespring, but I never got around to it. Back then, I planned to release my first “hot and introspective” design, but never got around to it! Now there are several designs in several colorways, along with several other T-shirts at an affordable price point.

    While I wanted to add some designs everyone could wear, I also wanted to add some that made a clear political statement. A while back one of my quotes went viral and it felt fitting to pit it on a flag!

    You can also see the quote on the back of my flares and in a bunch of other designs!

    I also wanted to create merch that made an even clearer political statement. You can see this poster in many of my videos, and there are several designs in the store that share the same graphic.

    A graphic featuring a cartoonish cat skull and crossbones, surrounded by a circular border with text advocating for various social justice causes, set against a red background.

    Maybe it’s because I’m in love, but I love pink more these days. I put a lot of pink, along with other colors, in my store. I didn’t want everything to be just gothic, black, and red. I shift between vampire and fae anyway (can’t wait for the Fairy collection I’m gonna release in fall). Here are some of my favorite, cutest items.

    As you can see, I’ve integrated my merch into my wardrobe!

    A person standing next to a stylized, polygonal horse in front of a fenced area with a palm tree in the background.

    Recently, I also added a bunch of hawaiian shirts to the store that all have some pretty bold and unique designs!

    Alexander purchased the very first Hawaiian shirt in my store. He looks very sexy in it.:D

    A close-up of a person wearing a short-sleeved black shirt featuring an all-over print of turquoise skulls and crossbones.

    I genuinely love my merch so much, and it’s become a bit of a hyperfixation of mine. I’m going to be doing a photoshoot with my items next week, and I’m pretty pumped! There are 80 of you that have ordered from my store thus far! These are the most popular items.

    Blaque Kat Skull Remix Stripped Hoodie

    My Politics Red ink Micro-Rib Tank Top

    Blaque Stickers 3

    Blaque and Red Kat Skull Bikini

    I Refuse Redline Raglan

    Right now, I have a sale going on in my store to celebrate Pride, along with a new collection of pride themed merch with my design!!

    All June, get FREE SHIPPING in my store with the code KATPRIDE! If you get anything from my store, please tag me on instagram!

    Huge thanks to everyone who has purchased items from my store thus far. You are giving me a lot of inspiration, and I’m so excited to release new things!

    Check Out All of The Items In My STore!

  • The New Pride Collection and Sale!

    HAPPY PRIDE! The pride collection has just gone live in my shop! Use code KATPRIDE to get free shipping on all standard shipping in June!

    See the full collection here

  • Reader Response: “Do I Fetishize My Trans Girlfriend?”

    In a recent post, I talked about how being called the “best of both worlds” has been painful for me. This label often comes with gender essentialism and othering, making it clear that the person doesn’t see me as a woman. It’s confusing, especially since, as a 35-year-old trans woman, I don’t usually feel my gender is questioned in daily life. In recent discussions about the often heteronormative dating patterns of some bisexual people, I’ve noticed that some people make a clear distinction between trans and cis women. For example, some men interested in trans women expect access to her genitalia. I’ve also noticed that some men will only date trans women who top. This leads to ongoing debates about trans chasing and whether there’s anything wrong with being attracted to pre- or non-op trans women.

    I got this message from a reader who had some questions about his relationship after reading my post:

    “Hi Kat, I saw your post about being dehumanized by bi people, and I wanted to reach out as I have been sent this by my trans gf, who suggested that I fetishize trans women as my only interactions with them have been sexually, and also wanting to be a bottom as time has passed in our relationship, which was something she is no longer comfortable doing. I want to understand how I can introspect into this myself further, and I wondered if you had any advice on where I can learn more about how my actions affect trans women in those ways.
    I am aware that consumption of trans porn has affected me, and I have stopped consuming it. I have also ordered the books “Whipping Girl” and ” the transgender issue” as a start to read, but would appreciate anything else I could look at to be a better partner and not fetishize trans women. Thanks in advance if you do see this.”

    Dear reader:

    Thank you for your question. I’m glad that younger people are able to have these conversations and think about these issues carefully. It’s great that you reached out, and I see that as a positive step.

    First, if your girlfriend feels fetishized, it’s important to listen to her. I’ll talk about the topic in detail, but in the end, you need to respect her boundaries and feelings. Even if your desires are valid, her boundaries and consent matter just as much. If you want a relationship with her, you need to respect that her body belongs to her. Your desires or curiosity don’t justify crossing her boundaries or pressuring her to do things she doesn’t want to do.

    Second, there’s a clear difference between someone who is a “chaser” and someone who simply enjoys being with a trans woman. Many trans women feel deep discomfort about their genitalia, and focusing on that part can be very painful for them. It can feel like loving the thing that causes them the most struggle. Transgender porn often shows trans women in a certain way, with large penises and a focus on domination. The problem isn’t just that people find these themes exciting, but that many people only see us through the lens of porn. This affects how we’re treated and often leads to us being dehumanized and sexualized. For trans women who don’t share those desires, it can feel very isolating.

    For example, recently I discovered that a bartender at the bar I sometimes go to for Karaoke on Sundays is a chaser. Chasers are honestly not hard to point out. When I figured out that he was a chaser, it didn’t exactly surprise me. Chasers often feel like they’re doing man-drag. He’d served my boyfriends and me many times. I’ve come in there during the day when he’s on the clock, and he seemed kind and respectful enough. However, this time he was off the clock. He was sloppily drunk, slapping the ass of the vibrant ethnic women standing at the bar next to me who had decided to twerk to some dude covering an early 2000s hip-hop song. He sauntered up next to me and started chatting me up. As you can imagine, I wasn’t impressed. He wasn’t a bad-looking guy, but he was quite piggish in this particular moment, and that feeling only deepened as he started asking me if I wanted to go home with him. When I said no to him, he was so confused. “Wanna come home with me” turned to “you wanna come home with meeeee…”, stated with a shit-stirring smirk. I entertained these conversations for far too long, but I essentially asserted that I’m fairly positive he and I aren’t compatible. That was much more than he deserved. As he tried to process why I could possibly reject him, he said, quite bluntly:

    “Oh, is it because you have a big dick?”

    -pause…

    We never talked about me being transgender. Some people might guess that I’m a trans woman, but I don’t usually have that experience. It was strange that this was the first time it came up. Chasers are often so focused on trans women that they can tell who is transgender. He was truly confused when I turned him down, almost like he expected me to be interested. I wasn’t. The conversation was uncomfortable, so I left. He went back to bothering the other women of color in the room.

    The issue with that guy wasn’t his interest in bottoming for a trans woman. Some trans women are happy to be seen as the best of both worlds or as tops, and there’s nothing wrong with that if both partners enjoy it. It’s also fine if someone prefers to bottom in a relationship. My problem is when people dehumanize me in the process. Many of the bi men I mentioned before have put me down for not wanting to top them. Some have told me I’m delusional for thinking a man would date me without that, or that no man would want a long-term relationship with me unless I topped them. I’ve told men clearly what I don’t want, only for them to ignore my boundaries once we’re in bed. They seem to think they can change my mind, even though I’ve said no. In those moments, my body becomes just a tool for their pleasure, and my own feelings don’t matter. Sadly, this is a common way fetishism shows up. I’ve often felt that some men who want to get away with sexual violence target trans women, especially black trans women, because they sexualize us as soon as they realize we’re trans.

    It should be obvious, but treating someone like a porn category is very degrading. What I value about my boyfriends is that they took the time to really know me. I’ve dated men who only saw me through stereotypes and punished me for not fitting them. When someone expects your body to fulfill a specific sexual desire, it’s emotionally upsetting and leaves little room for you to be yourself. The relationship feels transactional when someone is upset that the person they objectify has their own needs. I couldn’t physically penetrate anyone, so it’s especially hurtful when people fetishize me and then get angry when I say no. Too many people have expected me to change my mind in the bedroom, which has made it hard to trust that my partners are truly attracted to me. These experiences have real effects, and if you want a loving relationship with a trans woman, you need to understand how common this is. Chasers often don’t care about our feelings, but they know how to say the right things to get what they want from trans women with low self-esteem.

    I don’t think you’re fetishizing trans women just because you’ve only had sexual encounters with a trans woman so far. Hooking up doesn’t mean you wouldn’t date them, and some trans women like casual sex, which is fine. You’re not fetishizing someone just because you don’t want a long-term relationship. However, if you find yourself concluding that trans women have less romantic value to you, and you rely on the taboo of transphobia to get off, you just might be fetishizing a trans woman.

    I’ve had boyfriends in the past who never took me out in public. Maybe your girlfriend sent you this because you haven’t really taken her out on a date. If your whole relationship has stayed inside your home or dorm, she might feel hurt that you’re not comfortable treating her like you would a cis woman. I don’t know the details of your relationship, but that’s the impression I get. If you’re dating a trans woman, your relationship shouldn’t be mostly sexual. You may very well be the guy who doesn’t take women out at all, even when they’re cis. If that’s the case, then you can explain that to her, and from there she should decide whether or not that will work for her.

    For me, it’s simple. Fetishists often think trans women are more sexual and more open to sex than cisgender women. But you don’t need to read Whipping Girl to know that nobody wants to be treated like an object. Just wanting us isn’t enough, and that desire isn’t special. If you see trans women as people, not as porn or stereotypes, it’s much easier to avoid making us feel fetishized.

    Calling trans women the best of both worlds is hurtful because it misgenders us and shows a sexist view of gender. It reduces us to being beautiful women with penises and ignores post-op trans women. Fetishists sometimes even discourage trans women from having surgery. Fetishism puts sexual preference above the well-being of the person being objectified.

    You can reflect by being honest about how you see the differences between trans and cis women. If you feel you could only stay with your girlfriend if she tops you, you might be fetishizing trans women. If you’re fine being the only one who penetrates in the relationship with a cis woman, ask yourself why that wouldn’t work with a trans woman. If bottoming is so important that you’d struggle to be with a cis woman who wouldn’t do it, that’s a different situation to me. Trans women often feel fetishized because men frequently choose to hide their fetishes from cis women, but they expect that we will accept them because we are transgender. The idea that we deserve less respect because we are transgender is transphobia, and phobia is often twisted into fetish. You should be able to have the preferences you want, and your partners should support you. For some trans women, always being asked to top can make us resentful, but there’s nothing wrong with wanting that, and some trans women do prefer to top. The key is to communicate your desires clearly and early, and be honest about them. Sometimes ending things with someone you’re not compatible with can lead to a better, deeper connection with another person.

    Hope this was helpful! Sound off in the comments if you have additional thoughts and insight!

    Got a question you think I have an answer for? Send it me, and if I do, I just may!

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