Pillion is a naughty film about the complex and often unrequited feelings many people feel for their very first BDSM partner. I went to see the film at an advance screening with Nathan, my man who introduced me to BDSM years ago, which made for a somewhat meta viewing experience. We were very pleased to see Alexander Skarsgård in person during the Q&A after the screening. I, of course, showed up to the pre-screening in a full leather outfit and didn’t find out until much later that I was a bit overdressed for the occasion. Still, I immensely enjoyed this film’s celebration of gay leather culture and insight into what I think is a fairly common experience many of us have when we find our very first kink partners. In this episode of Movies in my Closet, I will share a spoiler-filled description of some of the powerful messages I received from the series.
Plot Summary
Watch and hear my retelling of Pillion Here
Collin is a sheepish tenor who develops an adoration for a particular biker who happens to be headed to the same pub he’s set to perform at with his quartet on Christmas Eve. While he’s set to go on a first date almost immediately after his performance, he can’t take his eyes off the bikers, and the man who seems to be leading them all, Ray. Their audacious appearance takes him back: their bodies riddled with piercings, tattoos, and the classic signs of rebellion. These markers of edge are underpinned by the obvious confidence the entire group has in their queerness, and there Collin is, fumbling through what is apparently one of his very first dates with a man. He notices a pecking order among the bikers. Some sit on the floor, clearly subservient, while others sit firmly in their seats, clearly dominant. As Collin’s date excuses himself and asks for another round, he goes to the bar, where Ray is also placing an order of chips for himself and the group. When it’s time to pay up, Ray looks Collin in the eyes for the very first time; something Collin clearly wanted since he first whizzed past him on his motorbike earlier that evening. Like a deer in the headlights, he freezes and, without even really thinking, forks over the £4.80 and hands him the chips. Ray leaves behind a Christmas card with his phone number, a location, and a time to be there. It’s an odd interaction, but it hooks him.
Collin tells his family he has a date, but they all think it’s odd that he’s going on a date on Christmas Day. As his parents stay in and have a lovely, wholesome Christmas night to themselves, Collin arrives for his date and finds that his stoic new romantic interest is significantly less warm. Collin doesn’t seem to mind, though. He is willing to do whatever he wants and, with little resistance, services him in an alleyway. Only after that do they exchange names, and almost as quickly as the “date” started, it ends. Collin leaves the date feeling mixed emotions. On one hand, it was hot, but on the other, he was hoping for a bit more. Still, he forges forward with hopes that maybe he’ll be at least a bit more available than he initially said he’d be. He sends Ray endless text messages, letting him know he’ll be at the pub where they initially met, but he never hears back. For days on end, his messages go unanswered, but then, out of nowhere, Ray calls and tells him he’ll pick him up later that day.
When Ray arrives at Collin’s doorstep, his parents sense his coldness, and while they try to warm up to him, Ray clearly has no desire to “meet the parents”. The two go for a ride, and for Collin, riding pillion is a closeness that he’s dreamed of feeling. In Ray’s home, he instructs Collin to cook him dinner and organize his things, but when it’s time to go to sleep, he tells him to sleep, not in bed with him, but on the rug- only if he’s quiet. This is clearly not what Collin imagined his second date would be, but Ray seems completely fine with the arrangement. Collin has an attraction towards Ray- his stature, his bike, and his overall persona- but none of that really feels reciprocated. Even when he seeks affirmation or approval from Ray for the labor he does, it’s never really given. He even asks him point-blank, ‘What do I get if I pass?’ and Ray responds with silence. When they first have sex, it’s underwhelming, unromantic, and disappointing. But to Collin’s surprise, Ray continues to want his service.
Collin slowly becomes integrated into the gay leather scene. He shaves his head, and eventually gathers his own gear to ride safely and blend in with the crew. Soon, he becomes so enthralled with his new in-group that he starts to neglect his relationship with his parents, which is meaningful because his mother has been ill for quite some time, and she wants to see her son happy. Collin pushes for Ray to meet his parents, but Ray pushes back quite sternly. He has no desire to meet them and greet them, no matter how much they may desire it. Even as he becomes embraced by this group of bikers, he feels as if he’s not exactly getting what he wants. He notices that while he may not have a romantic relationship with his dominant, others clearly do, which prompts him to ask why their relationship hasn’t reached that point. However, when Ray relents and eventually comes over for dinner, he clashes with his mother, who ultimately calls him a creep. And unfortunately, Collin is alienated from his mother until she dies.
Once his mother passes, he’s left with this empty feeling of grief. He no longer gets the same satisfaction he once did from serving his master. He weeps to Ray and, after finally being invited to sleep in the bed, admits he loves him. However, Ray rebuffs this advance. He rejects the very idea that the sort of relationship they’re in allows for romantic love. In the coming days, Collin asks about changing certain aspects of their relationship; maybe sleeping in the bed a bit more and spending one day a week where he’s not in service to him. Ray dismisses the idea unceremoniously, stares at him resentfully, and heads off to bed. Collin pushes back and insists on staying up longer to read the end of the chapter he’s on. When he comes to bed later, he tries to sneak into bed, and Ray snaps at him to get back to the rug. Collin starts being playful in a way one might expect a partner to be, but Ray isn’t laughing. He kicks Collin out of his bedroom and feels clearly quite betrayed by him. Collin flips out to the point where he starts revving Ray’s motorcycle, eventually taking it out for a joyride where he flies, completely unprotected, down the street with his bald head gliding through the wind. Feeling a freedom he once felt on the back of Ray’s bike, on his own, with his own hands leading a path he’s set out on by himself. It feels good, but the regret of what he’s done eventually catches up to him.
The next day, Collin wakes up on the side of Ray’s home, with Ray’s motorcycle neatly parked right where he initially left it. Ray wakes him and brings him inside, where he finds Ray has prepared an excellent breakfast. Seems he isn’t incapable of doing these things after all. While he’s a bit taken aback, Collin is amused to hear that this was Ray’s introduction to the day off he’d asked for. Without addressing what happened the night before at all, the two go on the best date that Ray could muster; a date where Collin decides everything they’re doing. Ray becomes almost endearing and starts asking him about his hobbies and talents; they even catch a bit of cinema and get kicked out when they get a bit X-rated in the theater. They have one very cute date that ends with Collin smiling and planting a big, romantic kiss on Ray. But the kiss touches something in Ray; something it seems he may have been afraid of feeling. The next day, when Collin rings Ray, the number’s been disconnected. He goes to his home, and it’s been completely cleared out. Goes to his biker buddies and can’t seem to find him. After struggling to find him for a bit, he comes to terms with the reality that Ray doesn’t want to be found.
Moving on with his life, he grows his hair back and reenters the world with a stronger understanding of who he is. On his dating profiles, he makes sure to say he won’t cut his hair for anyone, and while he does have an aptitude for devotion, he needs at least a day off each week, and that is non-negotiable. Collin needed experience before he fully understood what kind of dynamic he could enjoy. The film ends with him approaching a new potential dominant with much more confidence than he mustered the first time around.
Reflections
Seeing this film with Nathan was very interesting, as he’s my only bisexual partner and he’s the one who introduced me to BDSM. While Nathan was my first official BDSM partner, he has never been my “Dom”. Nathan is a top-heavy switch, and when we started our relationship, he was very clear about his boundaries and what I could expect. We started dating 10 years ago, and I’m his most recent partner. Nathan was very established as a polyamorous person and as a kinkster, and to be fair, I’m primarily attracted to a man’s experience and capability. He was quite capable; as a recently single, poly, and BDSM-curious person, my attraction to him was quite strong. I’m very thankful we’ve been together for as long as we have and that he continues to introduce me to new things, but he certainly spoiled me when it came to what I felt I should expect in the BDSM scene.
I found Pillion to be a very relatable film because many of the men I bottomed for when I first came to Los Angeles were men that I really did not understand would likely never have a romantic or even sexual interest in me. Many of the first people I bottomed for had to walk me off a cliff because power exchange and bottom space can be very addicting to me, and it’s so easy for those warm and fuzzy feelings to feel almost romantic when they usually aren’t. It’s taken me a very long time to register that for quite a few people, kink is not romantic to them.
Transparently, I’ve been in an odd place with my BDSM journey as of late. Nathan and I used to be able to play more than he currently does, and over time, Nathan’s interest in BDSM waned while mine only expanded. Currently, he’s out of the public scene, whereas I currently organize BDSM munches in the city. But since I’ve been in LA, I’ve also found my two other partners, Edward and Alexander. While neither of them is into BDSM, they do dominate most of my time outside of my own alone time, and I’ve appreciated the space they take up in my life. Edward and Alexander both support that I enjoy BDSM and in their own way, may have an interest in it, but they do not have the expertise that I sorta require at this point. As I’ve said, I’ve been spoiled, and it’s very hard for me to enjoy playing with a newbie. However, often it’s the inexperienced players who may have a similar desire and approach to BDSM.
I am a masochist, and for me, BDSM is something that I have reservations about because I exist in a body that many want to harm. For me, it’s been quite hard to navigate doing kink with a partner who doesn’t simply sexualize my oppression, and I really struggle to reach a point with most people where those concerns of mine are put to rest. Nathan is a Nazi-punching leftist whose politics I very much trust. Part of my initial attraction to him was that, at the time, his politics were more radical than mine. I do not have anxieties about bigotry with him, but it’s incredibly hard for me not to feel that way about most people I play with. So in short, I’ve struggled to do BDSM in the way many people seem to casually, and I suppose that’s partially why I identify with Collin’s character.
BDSM can absolutely be romantic for a lot of people. Still, for some players, it will always be more of a casual pursuit, where people share their talents with others who have gotten to a point where their particular talent is sought out. And believe it or not, some people don’t seek out romantic relationships at all; they prefer relationships where they’re able to engage in BDSM without necessarily engaging in a long-term committed romance. My personal mentality is that there is no one particular way to do these things, and my observation is that everyone can get something different from BDSM. For me, there are aspects of BDSM that are sexual, and some of those things are fun to explore with a romantic partner; but at the same time, there are plenty of things I don’t think I’d need to explore in a relationship. I think it’s mostly important to be on the same page with someone about your needs, but sometimes you have to have bad experiences to know you don’t want to go through certain things.
What I’ve learned in BDSM is that there is truly no downside to not jumping into something that you may not be prepared for. My first few years in the BDSM scene were marked by me jumping into doing BDSM with a person I’d later find out was absolutely terrible. In my experience, people who rush you into something before you’re ready often enjoy exploiting the lack of clarity around someone’s boundaries. There are indeed far too many dominants whose fetish for newbies is really just a fetish for pressuring someone into doing something they don’t want to do. In my experience, a good dominant will always err on the side of caution.
I think there are a few ways to understand Ray’s character. Ray was always incredibly clear about what he wanted from his relationship with Collin, and Collin spent most of the narrative delusional about it. I think the most telling part of the whole film was when Collin pushed back on Ray’s agenda; Ray quickly joked about how unlikely it is that anyone would be vying for his time. I definitely think that Collin’s primary appeal to Ray was that he was eager to serve and readily available, more than anything else. You see shades of that in how he went for the other submissive before going for Collin during one of the scenes with all the bikers on holiday. Ray was aware that the other submissive had adoration for him, so he went with it because that’s what many dominants feed from.
I have a hard time finding issues with Ray’s character because, at the end of the day, he didn’t actually mislead Collin into thinking he wanted a romantic relationship. IN fact, he seemed resentful towards romance at essentially every step. For whatever reason, entertaining the notion is personally upsetting to him, and that’s likely why he had a boundary around that. In the way that Collin discovered he needed a week off, Ray may also decide that he does not want to be romantically entangled with his submissives, and that’s truly not an uncommon setup; more than just a few dominants separate their kink from their romantic lives.
Pillion was one of my favorite films to review in this series, and one of my favorite recent films centered around BDSM. I found it to be a really refreshing look at BDSM, and loved discovering that many of the extras in the film are indeed part of the UK leather scene. I’m very thankful to have been invited to the preview, and very sad that my review came out so much later, but life is what it is. I am trying to catch up on these pieces. Thank you so much for bearing with me.
