This morning, I received an inquiry from a reader involving fetishism, non-monogamy, and sex positivity. Since this Reader Request neatly tied together many of my previous posts, I figured I would take the time to respond here on my blog to reinforce and clarify some of my points.

Hi kat, I just finished your recent video about fetishizing trans women and although I think your observations were great and perfectly Interchangeable for any sex or gender expression, I was wondering if you had specific thoughts about bisexual women who are interested in trans women and or polyamory. I’m in a monogamous relationship with a cishet man and I’d like to open things up. we’ve talked about it and he’s been verbally supportive but he clearly is nervous about the whole thing. Sometimes I wonder if Im self sabotaging by wanting to open up a perfectly healthy relationship but idk it’s just something I keep going back to. I just don’t want to end up one of those sad resentful women who never lived life to their fullest potential. I’d happily marry him and fulfill all the plans we’ve made when the time is right, but idk if I can just shut this part of me off and never explore it at all. Thank you for your time, hope I related my thoughts to each other well.

Dear Reader,

Firstly, thank you so much for supporting my work and watching my content. Below is the video version of my previous Reader Response, where I responded to the boyfriend of a transgender woman, and defined what I personally would describe as fetishizing transgender women.

There are a few things that I want to sort through in my response, but I wanted to give you my first impression of this so that you can understand how many of the transgender people you approach are likely to respond. To be completely frank, I am getting some chaser vibes from this message, and I want to explain why, as I get the impression that this may not be your intent.

Non-Monogamy, Commitment and Fetishism

There are a few things that I want to sort through in my response, but I wanted to give you my first impression of this so that you can understand how many of the transgender people you approach are likely to respond. To be completely frank, I am getting some chaser vibes from this message, and I want to explain why, as I get the impression that this may not be your intent.

I wrote extensively about this in my initial post about being fetishized by couples who’ve recently opened up their marriages explicitly to explore their bisexuality, and often their attraction to transgender women. These couples are typically seeking what I describe as the “shemale fantasy”; a porn-informed experience where a beautiful woman with a large penis is eager to penetrate and satisfy their partner, who ultimately sees what they’re doing as deeply taboo and thus, deeply erotic. While I believe that desire for a transgender woman’s body is morally neutral, and not inherently fetishistic, what I’ve discovered is that frequently these couples don’t want to be honest about how they truly feel.

Many of them approach trans women with what they think are their best intentions. They do not want to feel as if they’re exploiting someone, so they add fluffy, flowery language to their approach, and sometimes that’s good enough to get a trans woman to maybe entertain the premise that this person may truly be interested in them. However, with the post-nut-clarity that comes once they’ve had the experience they’ve dreamed of, they often want very little to do with the trans person in question. There have been many times when someone suggested they wanted a romantic relationship with me, only to realize they were just trying to experience me. Quite clumsily, they had to figure out a way to end the relationship, while maintaining what they imagined would be a positive impression. Some of these people are either turned off by the reality or feel like they’ve simply had the experience and may not want to have it again with you. While this is completely valid for someone’s own sexual exploration, for transgender women, these stakes often feel much higher because we are so deeply objectified by society that when rejection appears in our lives like this, it feels like we’re being treated like a defective purchase that needs to be returned. Transgender people often have partners who feel they are somehow doing transgender people a favor by giving them attention or complimenting them, but it’s important to recognize that transgender people also have their own needs and desires, and most of us do not really find it validating that someone wants to sleep with us or objectify us in the long term. Before opening your relationship, you should really think about what that actually looks like. Do you want a little fun on the side, or are you interested in knowing and loving your transgender partners? Being clear about what form of non-monogamy you’re taking is incredibly important.

Being the subject of people’s sexual experimentation really hurt me because I wasn’t looking for sexual experimentation. My form of non-monogamy is polyamory. Polyamory means “many love,” meaning that for me, romantic love feels expansive. When I love one person, it isn’t impossible for me to love another. As of now, I have three long-term partners whom I all love. They know each other, are cool with each other, and get along mostly because they love me and sorta have similar personalities. I have different commitments to them, but there is no hierarchy. Schedules may conflict, but I do not prioritize one particular partner over another. Those who do prioritize certain partners and would call themselves polyamorous are hierarchical polyamorists. It sounds to me like any transgender woman in your life would have to accept that they come second to your partner because of your sexual interest in them. Holding this unique and delicate space for your cis male partner while limiting your trans woman partner to a purely sexual role will indeed come off as if you’re fetishizing a transgender person because you are only creating a sexual space for them to exist in your life. Perhaps your form of nonmonogamy functions that way, but that may not be appealing to trans women who desire a deeper and more romantic type of ethical non-monogamy.

Sometimes, as we conceptualize what a non-monogamous lifestyle looks like, our fantasies do not align with our reality. Couples attempting to add a new person to their relationship will often find that, especially if they are of different genders, they rarely find someone who is attracted to both of them. This is why a person who is attracted to both partners is usually called a “unicorn” because they are a rarity. Many unicorns who are welcomed into a relationship will initially be excited at the prospect of dating a couple, but will be disappointed when they calculate that said couple truly only sexually desires them. Many unicorns have gone on to argue that they’ve felt as if they were being used as a sex toy, and the relationship ends poorly, often with a lot of drama. Typically, it goes that way because of miscommunication. You have a couple who wanted to open up but wanted to do it the “right” way; they often put the cart before the horse and crash and burn because they rush into non-monogamy without fully processing that the people they involve are also people with relationship goals. Listen to Unicorns share their personal stories with couples here.

I was once the girlfriend of a married man who pushed his wife to open their relationship so he could explore his sexuality, which he felt was limited by monogamy. In my last post, I talked about my ex, David. He fetishized me, and when his sex drive dropped, he found it hard to justify spending time with me. Our relationship was intense and sometimes controversial, but when it ended, he seemed finished with me. When he left the country because he was afraid of genocide and didn’t include me in his plans, it became obvious that, despite his progressive talk, he only wanted me around when I fulfilled his sexual needs. He wanted to be seen as ethical, but I had to face the fact that he fetishized me and didn’t care about my well-being. If I had realized he was only interested in me for that reason, I wouldn’t have spent so much time with him. What really bothered me was that he didn’t value my goals or respect that we wanted different things. He wanted the experience of being with a trans woman, but when things got difficult, he left me in the states to face genocide while he protected his family. I think the first step to building productive intimacy with a trans woman is respecting that she is deserving of safety and understanding as you are. The often condescending attitude of those who fetishize trans women would not really exist in a culture that granted that trans women also have desires of their own. If you want to be intimate with a trans woman, you should be honest and clear about your feelings, instead of pretending to want what she wants just to get what you want.

David and his wife called themselves polyamorous, but their relationship was really more of an open relationship. People often confuse these terms, so I always ask for clarity before starting something new. Open relationships usually happen when one partner feels they aren’t sexually compatible with their partner and wants to explore that. These relationships are often focused on sex, not love. On our first few dates, I made it clear that I was seeking love, but David was mainly interested in me for sex. At the end, it bothered me when they called themselves polyamorous, since they were really looking for friends to have sex with, not romantic partners. Polyamory is about love, even though polyamorous people can have casual sex too. Usually, love is still possible, unlike in many open relationships. David did nice things for me and showed he cared, but his main love was for his wife and kids. When he left the country without me, that made it clear. Our breakup was sudden and painful. If you just want more sexual partners to have fun with, you don’t need to call that polyamory, or even better, you can specify that you do not have romantic feelings for trans women if that is how your sexuality functions. Sure, you’re going to be rejected and maybe even challenged on your ideas, but many of us who are polyamorous do not want to devote our energies and time to people who are more monogamously minded, who choose to treat everyone who isn’t their primary partner like they exist to play a role in their lives and their relationship. Polyamory is a popular word, but it means something real to those of us who live it.

It doesn’t seem like you and your future husband are looking for a third partner, and it sounds like your partner isn’t really interested in you exploring non-monogamy beyond sex. You need to seriously consider how important your desires are and whether ending the relationship might make you both happier in the long run. When I was in a monogamous relationship, I was curious about polyamory and non-monogamy, but I wasn’t sure if I was truly polyamorous. One of the main reasons I broke up with my ex was because I realized he needed monogamy to be happy. He wouldn’t have been comfortable with me having other partners or sharing my love. Even though I loved him, I knew my desires didn’t match his. If I had stayed, we might have gotten married, but I would have been miserable. Maybe it would have felt good at first to imagine marriage and that lifestyle, but deep down, I knew I wouldn’t be happy with his version of it. Because I loved him, I let him go. Now, I think we’d both agree it was for the best. Last I heard, he was happily married, and I’m glad for him. I loved him a lot, and it makes me happy that he found someone who shares his idea of love and romance.

You should ask yourself whether the “extra” people in your life are there just to meet your needs, or to be in a relationship where both of you feel valued. Some trans women are interested in being with cis women who haven’t been with a trans woman before, but most of us are tired of being fetishized. What bothers me about many cis people’s attraction to trans women is that it often ignores what most trans women actually experience. Many trans women have strong bottom dysphoria, even if they don’t have surgery. Hormones usually cause a decrease in penis size and function. When cis people assume that trans women have large, functional penises, it’s upsetting because most trans women don’t want that or can’t do that. Being able to get an erection often shows whether a trans woman’s anti-androgen medication is working to lower testosterone, which is the goal for most trans women on HRT. Testosterone affects how your genitals work. Trans porn stars sometimes use supplements or adjust their hormones to perform. Still, some trans women do enjoy topping, so it’s not impossible to find what you’re looking for; but I think you’ll have the easiest time looking for it with honest and clear communication of your desires.

Communication, Honesty, and Cutting Through The Bullshit

It’s understandable to worry about fetishizing trans women, but wanting casual sex doesn’t always mean you’re fetishizing someone. Many trans women are seen only in a sexual way, which can be harmful. Sometimes I don’t tell people I’m transgender to avoid being fetishized right away. If you want to date or have relationships with trans women, be honest and open from the beginning. Your main relationship will affect how things go. Be very clear about your intentions and limits. If you’re unsure about being attracted to a trans woman’s body, say so. If you’ve never been with a trans woman, say so. If you don’t know how to start, say so. Honest and clear communication is the best way to build trust in any relationship, but especially with a trans woman who is often going to feel lied to.

I’m going to write an example of how I think you can communicate your current desires, and I’d like to hear what other transgender readers think about it.

Hello there! I saw your profile, and I read that you are transgender. I wanted to introduce myself, and see if you’re comfortable with what I’m currently looking for:
I am partnered to a man whom I love very dearly, and he recently gave me the greenlight to explore my bisexuality and seek partners who are not cis men. We are still very much figuring out what non-monogamy means to us, and right now, I’d say I’m mostly curious about the sexual side of non-monogamy. Full transparency, I’ve never been with a transgender woman, and it’s something that I’ve wanted to potentially explore with you. I’ve been curious about being penetrated by a transgender woman. It’s something I’ve really wanted to explore, and if it’s something you’re open to, I think you’re gorgeous, and I was wondering if you were interested in exploring that with me.

You might get different reactions to this message, so I suggest only sending it to a transgender woman who has said she wants to dominate or top. Since trans women are often approached for sex, many of us make our preferences clear in our dating profiles and can feel frustrated if you ask us to top after we’ve said we’re not interested. Most cis people interested in trans women should understand that many trans women have complex feelings about their bodies, and that what you see in pornography isn’t real life. It’s best to assume this is a sensitive topic, especially if it’s your main focus. I sometimes wish that men I’ve dated, who seemed confident and open to being with transgender women, had just been honest about their lack of experience and their limits when it came to long-term relationships. Polyamorous people often explore sexually, but if you’re only interested in a trans person to help you explore, it’s important to be clear so they know what they’re agreeing to. Some people will always think you’re a fetishist if your main reason for being with a trans woman is wanting both male genitalia and feminine traits. Still, it’s very important to be honest about your intentions, your limits, and what you are or aren’t willing to do, even if it might make others uncomfortable.

Looking back on my own sexual exploration, it was often messy. There are things I tried that I never want to do again, and some experiences left a strong impact on me. Sadly, I mostly experienced trauma from realizing that many people I slept with didn’t care if I was really present. My body was just a way for them to explore their own desires. These experiences have caused me great heart. They were dehumanizing, and historically, the trauma from them has caused me to withdraw sexually. If you don’t want to be part of why a trans woman feels that way, you should let her define herself instead of wanting her to slip into a role you’ve already imagined. It botheres me so much how open I am about not wanting to dominate or top and how often people insist on asking me if I’m sure I don’t want to realize their fantasy because they cannot imagine me doing anything else with them than that.

Actionable Steps

Before you do anything, talk with your partner about what non-monogamy means for both of you. Opening up your relationship could end it, and I’ve seen that happen many times. Sometimes, people find new partners who are a better fit, which can be difficult. Ask yourself why you want to be in this relationship and marriage with this cis man. Is it for legal reasons, or for the social acceptance that comes with being seen as a ‘heterosexual’ couple? I know many married polyamorous people, and the most successful ones are open about exploring multiple relationships. Aside from unicorn hunting, couples who explore ethical non-monogamy together often end up stronger. I find that those who date separately, but keep communication open, often have more productive relationships and more thriving polycules.

I met Alexander at Poly Cocktails Los Angeles, a polyamory social event. He was there with his wife and her boyfriend. We connected, and things went from there. I’m his first transgender partner, and I know we work well together because he was attracted to me before he knew I was trans, and he wasn’t bothered by it. He didn’t fetishize me or focus on the fact that I was trans. He liked me for who I am and pursued me. You can have a marriage and still go after what you want, but finding a supportive community is key. Getting to know people socially is also very important. I’m not saying you should make trans friends just because you’re sexually curious about them. But if you live somewhere with events like munches, try going to one focused on ethical non-monogamy. Talk to others who are exploring non-monogamy, and keep your partner informed; better yet, involve him in these conversations. Taking things slowly helps you avoid making promises you can’t keep.

If you can’t attend events in person, there are online support groups you can find through apps like Plura. Being part of a community with other non-monogamous people is important, and sometimes you’ll meet a trans woman who matches what you’re looking for. You can have a casual sexual relationship if that’s what you want, but in my experience, the best sex has been with men who see me as a whole person. My previous experiences with fetishism meant that It took me a while to trust that my partners weren’t fetishizing me, but actually cared about me. Only recently have I started to feel like I’m moving forward and learning new things about sex positivity because I feel that I have their clear trust and love. Having a partner who wants to be with you because they care about you is very different from being with someone who just wants to use your body. Not being treated like an object has helped me open up. It’s a great feeling, and you can experience it too if you communicate clearly and honestly, even if it’s not well-received.

That’s all I have to say! Please share your thoughts for this reader in the comments below.

Do you have a question you’d like me to answer?