After a week of everyone talking about The Voice Memo Guy, I couldn’t help but think about the men I know who somehow always manage to keep casual sexual relationships going. As a sex positive person who surrounds herself with people engaged in sex positivity, it’s quite funny to me that many seem not to know that there are indeed men who manage to successfully have casual sex. What’s less funny to me is that so many seem to think of the voice memo as if it’s the gold standard for clear communication. From what we know, these two met on Hinge, had a decent first date, and then, after she hesitated when he brought up sex, he followed up with a call to see if she’d be open to sex on the second date. In his message, he repeats that he doesn’t want to waste his time and that sex is a huge factor for him in figuring out if he’s compatible with someone. On the surface, sure, this is “direct” communication, and there’s nothing technically wrong with asking if you’re on the same page. But if you’ve been around long enough, you recognize the utilization of therapy-speak to nudge a woman into sex before she’s ready.
As I discuss in my YouTube video, I believe the context of him sending her the message on the exact same night they met, immediately after she had already rejected him, comes off as him pushing her boundaries, not attempting to get her consent. While we can debate this issue to death, I do feel the need to point out that a very similar voice note appeared on an episode of Second Date Update on the Radio show, where hosts Brooke and Jeffery spoke to a man named Corey, who similarly stated that “for his sake” he needed sex to feel the “romantic spark”.
So, it appears to me that this may be a case of men telling other men how to get laid by directing them to women on apps like Hinge, where the tagline is “designed to be deleted”. To me, this draws attention to what was my original perception of the real issue with this voice memo: men are intentionally pursuing women who want a deeper romantic connection for casual sex for the sake of their egos. You have to wonder if the woman who received that voice note knew that her date wanted to have sex by the second date, if she would have even gone on the first date to begin with. As a very polyamorous and sex positive person, I have no issues with people seeking casual sex and even those who look for romantic relationships that start with an emphasis on sex, but the main issue here was that they weren’t on the same page from the very start.
All this talk has sparked some pretty revealing conversations. I’ve heard men say women need to stop pretending men aren’t interested in sex on dates. Some guys really relate to not wanting to waste their time or money on a relationship that doesn’t satisfy them. I’ve even seen men call their need for quick sex a “boundary,” which, to me, says a lot. There’s this underlying entitlement, like women should be more eager to have sex, especially if a man is spending money on them. Just the other day, I saw a video go viral of a guy ranting about a woman who hadn’t slept with him after twelve dates, calling her names and venting his frustration to a crowd of men who called him a simp for sticking around. What really gets me is how some people react to the voice memo guy, as if there are so few options out there. Some folks think my take on the voice memo is “sex negative,” but honestly, it comes from my own sex positivity.
Here’s something I’ve noticed: a lot of men who want casual sex don’t actually want it from women who are also looking for casual sex. They’re searching for women who are hungry for love, women whose hopefulness can be molded into sexual monogamy. They want someone who will be submissive to them and adore them more than they deserve. It’s easy to say it’s good that he was upfront about wanting casual sex, but let’s be real; there’s a reason he didn’t put that in his profile or mention it before the first date. Because he wouldn’t have made it to the first date had she known. For many men, convincing a woman who isn’t looking for casual sex to have it anyway is part of the thrill. And the irony is, these same men often judge women who openly want casual sex.
Since moving to Los Angeles, I’ve met a whole category of men who always seem to have a full roster. And to be honest, sometimes I’ve been one of those women. I know casual sex, and what really gets under my skin about this whole conversation is that, at its core, it’s about shame. Too many men see casual sex as something they do to women, not something they share with them. The guys who try to talk women looking for romance into casual sex are usually doing it because they can’t handle the idea that women might actually enjoy sex, too. A lot of these men don’t see a problem with the voice memo guy because they’re not upfront about what they want on their profiles. They know being honest would mean fewer matches. I get it, dating apps can make you feel like the only way to get a match is to swipe right on everyone. Men swipe without reading, and then think it’s enough to clarify their intentions before the second date. But honestly, so much of this drama could be avoided if men just edited their profiles to say they’re only looking for casual sex or that they’re eager for it. I know plenty of men who do exactly that, and they’re living the life these other guys only dream about.
A lot of men seem to think the best way to get casual sex is to find a woman who isn’t looking for it and hope she’ll change her mind if she likes them enough. Honestly, that’s a losing game. The men I know who actually get laid are the ones who see women as people, with their own wants and needs. They put in the effort to learn what makes women happy, and that’s why they’re so popular. The guys who want to convince women to change their minds about casual sex are usually looking for women who haven’t figured out what they like yet. If you ask me, that’s exactly why so many men avoid women who are upfront about wanting casual sex. They don’t want a woman who knows what she wants; they want someone who’ll just go along with what they want, maybe hoping it’ll turn into something more. At some point, these men need to get real with themselves: the sex they have isn’t just about physical satisfaction; it’s about the ego boost. They talk about “sexual compatibility” even as they admit she’s not that into it. The Voice Memo Guy, at the very least, doesn’t get that sex should be mutual. For those of us who actually enjoy casual sex without shame, conversations like this are just weird. He doesn’t want to get to know her, doesn’t want to learn what she likes, and isn’t willing to wait. He wants sex now, and he’s clear that if he doesn’t get it by the second date, he’s out. That only makes sense if you think you’re owed sex. Men who are good with women don’t typically need to send messages like that.
The men I know who are actually getting laid? They put in the work. They take care of themselves, and by extension, their partners. People act like the only choices are either a super serious, monogamous relationship or some kind of soulless hookup where no one cares about each other. But that’s not true. You can, and probably should, care about your sexual partner even if you aren’t dating them. Far too many people view kindness as something only extended within romantic relationships. Plenty of the sexually successful men I know are great hosts! They might not be in love, but they still care about the people they sleep with. Some even hang out platonically with their partners outside the bedroom. They get a reputation in their friend groups for being good in bed and, more importantly, for being respectful. These are men who have taken the time to actually learn about women, what makes them comfortable, what makes them happy. Too many men see that as emasculating, but honestly, it’s just being a decent human. The men with shorter lists of satisfied women will say that you’re a “simp”, but trust me when I say these men are quite happy to have the adoration of women.
Women who go after casual sex are usually women who’ve figured out that sex can be fun for its own sake. They’re less likely to be conservative, more likely to know what they want, and they aren’t shy about saying what gets them off. That scares a lot of men. It’s intimidating when a woman knows what she likes, especially if it doesn’t revolve around a man. Even the men who chase after these women can get thrown off by the idea that a woman might want sex without wanting an emotional connection. Some men just can’t accept that women can enjoy sex and be picky about who they sleep with. You see it in incel circles all the time: women get attacked for being “shallow” or for only choosing the guys they find attractive. Women get shamed for having a “high body count,” but also for not wanting to sleep with men they barely know. In my own life, I’ve had sex with men hoping to feel that “romantic spark,” only to be judged for it later. The same men who pressured me into sex would turn around and slut shame me for giving in too soon. Sure, sometimes having sex early leads to a relationship, but misogyny means a lot of men will judge you for it anyway. They sort women into “good” and “bad” categories, and end up being unkind to women who want sex and resentful toward women who don’t. At some point, we have to call it what it is: misogyny.
Yes, women will sometimes judge men who are upfront about wanting casual sex, but honestly, I don’t see the problem with having a smaller dating pool. Like I’ve said before, dating is inherently exclusionary. The more you know what you want, the fewer people will fit, but the better the fit will be. For the men who don’t see an issue with the voice memo guy, I want you to know there’s a way to be totally honest about what you want and still get it. You can put it right there in your profile that you’re not looking for a relationship. Sure, you’ll turn off some women, but you’ll save everyone’s time, including your own. If you know you want sex early, say so. Maybe it’s good that he showed his true colors early, but all of this could have been avoided if he’d just been upfront from the start. There’d be no need for awkward clarifications. Guys like the Voice Memo Guy are trying to speedrun their way into bed, but most women aren’t going to sleep with someone they don’t even trust.
If you’re a man looking for casual sex, you need to start by understanding that women live in a world where they’re constantly seen as sexual objects. Our culture pushes women into sex too soon, sometimes with people they don’t even want, just for a sense of safety or acceptance. When I listen to that voice memo, I hear all of that in the background. It sounds like a guy dangling the idea of a relationship in front of a woman who might be insecure, using words like “romantic spark” to mask what he really wants: sex. Maybe he hopes she’ll fall for it and sleep with him, thinking it might turn into something more. That’s manipulation, and I honestly think men are teaching each other these tactics because they’re too afraid to go after women who actually want casual sex.
If you treat women like NPCs in your own personal game, just there to boost your ego, you’re objectifying women and completely ignoring their humanity. The truth is, these men could be having great sex with women who actually want them, but it would require effort and an ability to communicate clearly and effectively. They’d have to write real things on their profiles, actually read the profiles they swipe on, and maybe even work on themselves a bit. They’d need to take care of themselves, listen to women, and learn what makes women happy. They’d have to accept that women have their own desires, preferences, and yes, boundaries. Sex should be mutual, not something you do to someone else. With all that in mind, the final thing a man should accept is that he does not deserve the woman he desires simply because he desires her. She has to agree to go along with it, which means she should always have enough information to make that decision. Because women are individuals, scripts don’t work on all of them, and I’d say most men fare better without them.
I’m all for upfront communication in dating, but honestly, the first person you need to be honest with is yourself. Why are you looking for casual sex? Is it just for validation? Are you exploring? Whatever the reason, get real about it. And if you’re going to have casual sex, take care of your sexual health. Don’t go after women who want monogamy just so you can make your sexual health her responsibility. Be a slut if you want, but be a responsible one. Most women who enjoy casual sex aren’t interested in doing it recklessly; they’ll want you to be recently tested. If you’re in LA, check out the Los Angeles Gay and Lesbian Center for free STD and HIV testing. There’s no shame in looking after your health; it’s part of having a good sex life. Let go of the shame our culture builds around sex: sex is not a value system. Let go of the ego often built into your sexual conquest: sex cannot be won, only shared.
Honestly, I think people make this way more complicated than it needs to be. The guys who buy into redpill scripts, thinking they can just follow a formula to get laid and protect themselves legally, could just try listening to women and taking them at their word. They’d probably find women trust them more than the average guy who’s just trying to trick them into bed. It’s simple, but misogyny makes it hard for a lot of men to let women take the lead, even when it comes to their own bodies. If you want casual sex, you shouldn’t want it from a woman who isn’t sure what she’s consenting to. Go for women who actually enjoy casual sex and know what they like. If you’re just starting to explore sexually and think you’ll eventually want a monogamous relationship, you should be grateful for women who tell you what they want in bed. It’ll help you in the long run. The men who only go after inexperienced women who praise them because they don’t know any better? They’re the ones who end up confused when their wives stop wanting sex. I see it all the time in couples who open up their relationships. Sometimes, wives stop sleeping with their husbands not because they don’t like sex, but because they’re tired of pretending they ever enjoyed it with him. Men should be looking for mutual enjoyment, not just validation from women who want more than they can give. If you only want casual sex from women who want something serious, maybe it’s time for therapy. At the end of the day, men should be as honest as possible, even if it’s unflattering.