I’m sorry that it’s taken me so long to get back to these, but we’re getting back on point! This week, I got a very simple, but very heavy question from a reader who hails all the way from Norway!

Can you make a video about how to best support trans women when they are coming out. My girlfriend and I have been together for 2 years. I have waited for her to come out all this time and now I want to best be able to support her. (We are both recently turned 18 )

Dear Reader,

Firstly, I appreciate that you’re reaching out to me for perspective, especially as a younger person. It means so much that you are thinking empathetically about how to support those around you better and feel particularly passionate about supporting your transgender partner. Initially, I hesitated to respond to this particular inquiry, but as I sat on it, I realized that I actually had quite a bit to say:

Understanding Closeted Life

For transgender women who’ve been in the closet, the decision to come out isn’t simple. If they told you, but no one else, they likely trust you and hold your opinion of them in high regard. It can be incredibly scary to come out, and so frequently we are rejected when we do. Most trans people are the most delicate and sensitive during the era where they first come out, and as their partner, I would certainly anticipate that things will shift within your relationship, but that doesn’t mean it will end.

When I was a closeted teenager, I didn’t really tell many people the truth about who I actually was. I was an isolated child who didn’t really have very many friends, and I didn’t want many friends because I knew they’d eventually figure out that I was weird (read: trans). I had two best friends with whom I didn’t really have conversations about my gender until I’d already started transitioning. Back then, I was living a double life: who my parents wanted me to be at home, and who I wanted to be when I ran away to Hollywood.  I remember when I still compartmentalized myself and shifted personas based on where I was. A closeted life can be very painful because it’s often something we experience alone.

With coming out, often comes a myriad of challenges, but time usually helps a trans woman develop confidence and a more positive relationship with herself. However, the first few years of her transition will be rough.

When The Egg Cracks and the World Opens Up

When I first came out as trans, I told people online before I told anyone in my actual life. I essentially started figuring out that I was transgender when I was around 13 or 14. It wouldn’t be until I was 15 that I really started understanding that I was transgender and that started the beginning of the fracturing of myself. I went by a different name and persona on the internet, and in the early days of my trans life, this was incredibly helpful for my own self-actualization. I felt I had to pretend to be someone else to survive my parents and my educational environment. I initially came out as Gender Queer, and what that looked like for me at the time was androgyny at school and de-gendering myself at home. At the time, my friends were my biggest support system, even if they didn’t fully understand my gender because I didn’t understand it either at the time. What I appreciated about them was just how they were there for me, but in retrospect, I also know this was a time when I was perhaps a bit unkind towards them because of my own insecurities. I felt very misunderstood, and I genuinely struggled to maintain my friendship with them, largely because they grew up with me and were completely aware of who I was. They remembered who I used to be, and that bothered me a lot at the time. So I distanced myself from them, but it was easy for me since I was heading off to college in a few years.

When I went to CalArts in my first year, I had already attended the summer school program, CSSA, the previous year. Many of my classmates met me as a mohawk-wearing gender-queer person, and by the end of my first year, I’d fully accepted that I was actually a trans woman. Back then, I had predominantly cis female friends. These friends meant well, but their support often came in the form of speaking down to me or telling me how to perform gender. One friend used to constantly refer to me by a name that combined my dead name and my chosen name. They did this for years, all through college, even as my transition progressed. For them, this was support; for me, it was their way of always asserting that I wasn’t who I am. They said my new name was too complicated and that they didn’t really like it, so they preferred to use a version of both names. Eventually, I stopped talking to that friend.

I cut off a lot of “friends” when I recognized an either paternalistic or transphobic attitude towards me. I found that cis women were eager to direct me towards how to perform femininity properly. I’ve always been alternative, and much of the advice my cis woman friends gave me leaned into hyperfeminine styles that didn’t really resonate with me. They wanted to teach me how to walk in heels, how to wear makeup, and how to walk and talk like them. But I wasn’t trying to be them; I was trying to be myself. I was trying to be the person I’d already started to develop, but hadn’t had the chance to embody beyond my bedroom.  I got the impression from many of my old so-called friends that they didn’t particularly like the more empowered version of me.

I think of my friendships early in transition as two distinct eras. There was the pet era, when they saw me as this sort of group makeover project: checking in every day to see how I’d improved, measuring my femininity, and giving me a score for it. Then there was the threat era, when I started to pass. This started happening early in my sophomore year of college. Suddenly, I was receiving male attention, and many of those men did not know that I was transgender. This is when some of my “friends” started outing me regularly. If a guy they liked was interested in me, they’d whisper to them that I was transgender. They’d still smile in my face, but they always wanted to out me so they could remove me from what they saw as the competition. Friends of transgender people should understand that the person they’ve known pre-transition was often a less confident version of who they actually are. Some people seem to only appreciate newly out trans women when they are able to be paternalistic towards them.

I did not want condescending advice about how I could be more feminine or exasperation when I vented about some of the experiences I was having. I wanted my friends to be my friends, and I wanted to feel as if they were on my side, not snickering behind my back. When I came out as transgender, I had the pattern of moving on quite quickly from friend groups. If I got a sense that they were less than accepting, I just moved on to the next group of people that I meshed with. Those first years were rough, but I was the center of so much scandal during the early days of my transition that I had to move accordingly. Very few people can fully tolerate the chaos that often comes with a person being newly out as transgender. It’s beautiful to me that you’re willing to support your partner through their transition.

Actionable Steps

Frankly, I think sometimes relationships, romantic or otherwise do not last through transition, but I think if they do, it’s because of the patience and understanding of the cis people in their lives. I’d say my biggest piece of advice is to listen to them, be there for them, and be willing to be a buffer between them and the transphobes around them that will feel more comfortable being transphobic around you than they will be in front of your them.

There WILL be times where your partner makes a mistake that you indeed understand is a mistake, and sometimes they will have to learn that lesson the hard way, and will not heed your advice. Often times trans people have to go through a bit of a second maturity where they begin with these cookie cutter ideas of their gender, and time informs them of which parts of that are true to them. There will indeed be an era of cringe and mistakes, but be there for them as they go through it. If they want your perspective, they will indeed ask and interrogate.

I hope this answered your question! I look forward to getting more requests!