Understanding Sam Rockwell’s White Lotus Monologue

In season 3, episode 5 of the very uncomfortable but incredibly entertaining hit series White Lotus, Sam Rockwell’s character, Frank, delivers a very revealing monologue. After discreetly passing a gun he secured for his long-time pal, Rick, he describes how he hit rock bottom after going on a sexual binge in Thailand. Like many “LBHs” (Losers Back Home), Frank came to Thailand to indulge in his fetish for Asian women. He is a white man who dreams of a submissive Asian woman who will be thankful for what he provides. He describes hiring a series of Thai escorts; ladyboy and female alike, and eventually reaching a point where he became sick of playing the role of the dominant white man in the dynamic. Instead, he wanted to explore playing the role of the submissive Asian woman. So he started to crossdress and meet up with men who would do him the way he’d do these Asian women. He enjoyed it. In fact, he became addicted to it. For him this was rock bottom; the impetus of his new-found sobriety. He presents the story as a description of a place he doesn’t want to return. A place he feels liberated from. A place he feels Rick is dragging him back to.

If you’re not watching White Lotus, perhaps this scene may feel a bit extreme, but trust me when I say it’s one of the least emotionally upsetting storylines in the show. The monologues started a lot of conversation about Autogynephilia; a term that Ray Blanchard defines as:

“a male’s propensity to be sexually aroused by the thought of himself as a female

Autogynepheilia is a loaded term as it exists largely to invalidate gender-expansive folks who are designated male at birth who are feminine and are also attracted to women. Those who are attracted to men are often referred to as “homosexual autogynephiles” and they are seen as more-likely to be “truly transgender”, as they are attracted to men. In my observation, the term autogynephile is too broad and as it’s predominately used to stigmatize and shame transgender women and argue against their access to gender affirming care. For that reason, I’m not a fan of the term so I haven’t enjoyed people citing it for this particular scene. That said, while I have often disagreed with the use of the term, it is undoubtedly a thing I have observed within a particular type of crossdresser. Sam Rockwell’s monologue happens to be an incredibly accurate portrayal of a kind of crossdresser I’ve very frequently interacted with in private. A type of crossdresser that I would argue is the most common: Heterosexual crossdressers.

As a transgender woman, when I am approached by a man who crossdresses, more often than not, it’s not immediately obvious to me. As a person who’s only experienced attraction to men, often times these are men who you’d never suspect of crossdressing. Men who are in so many ways, the typical, red-blooded American man. Most crossdressers I’ve known not only identify as heterosexual men, but have a very black/white relationship with gender that I would argue fuels their fetish. In this article, I wanted to share some of my observations, as I think Sam Rockwell’s monologue really beautifully lays out all of the same patterns I’ve observed in these men.

Before diving into my analysis, I think it’s very important to establish that not all crossdressers crossdress for the same reason. We only have terms like “crossdresser” because it’s still considered quite taboo in our society for a man to wear “women’s clothing”. For some men, that taboo is at the center of why they choose to wear women’s clothing. However, men can be drawn to women’s clothing for a variety of reasons.

Some men feel as though women simply have a wider and vastly more appealing range of options when it comes to clothing. For them, it may not be explicitly sexual, but a reflection of the way that they personally would like to express themselves. Those men may identify with a wide range of sexualities and gender identities; yes, even some of them may identify as straight and never experience attraction to men. Then there are men who develop of a fetish for specific fabrics not often found in menswear. Latex, lace, fishnet and PVC are a short list of examples. Some may develop a fetish for the feeling of specific fabrics against their skin in a way that is completely independent of external sexual pleasure from others regardless of gender. For these men, it may titillate them to discreetly wear articles of clothing, but it may also simply provide them a type of comfort not found in the options made available to men. There are gay men who crossdress simply because they think they look cuter in a women’s onesie than a jock strap. And there are even men who crossdress purely to satisfy their partners, regardless of their gender. I also think it’s important to establish that degradation is an incredibly common kink. Most of us grow up being chided for stepping out of line and some of us eroticize this and develop a fetish for degradation. In my opinion, degradation is a pretty neutral kink that can be very risky to openly play with. It can be easy to find someone whose degradation of you isn’t play, but a serious reflection of how they feel about you. And that’s where this particular type of crossdresser often crosses the line. For them, misogyny is central to their fetish and they enjoy being degraded almost explicitly because of how they see women.

I figured it would be a good idea to break down the monologue bit by bit by bit because I think it very perfectly sets up the pathology of what I’d argue is the average male crossdresser. I will break the monologue up with my own commentary.

“Well, you know, I’m, I moved here because, uh, I moved here because, you know, well I had to leave the states, but I picked Thailand because, uh, because I always had a thing for Asian girls, you know? And when I got here, I was like a kid in the candy store if you got money, no attachments, nothing to do. I started partying.”

Heterosexual Crossdressers are, from my observation, the most common type of crossdresser. These are typically men who have developed a very particular relationship with masculinity. They fully bought into the patriarchy and believe that men and women should play these particular, immovable roles within relationships. Many white men who go to Thailand to seek out relationships with Asian women that fall into a particularly patriarchal dynamic. One where they are always in control and always the one who leads. While it’s possible for Farang to fall in love with a Thai woman without this expectation, it is so common that it’s a huge point of parody within The White Lotus. Thailand is one of the top destinations for sex tourism in the world and men come from far away to finally have the experience they’ve always wanted to have with a woman. It’s important to understand that for these particular men, they have a preconceived plan for the type of experience they want. It’s important to establish that he “likes Asian women”, meaning he has a preconceived notion of what a relationship with an asian woman would look like. Quite often men with racial fetishes attribute certain characteristics to race. In a western lens, despite Asia’s diversity and a trend of Matriarchal family structures popular in South East Asia, Asian women are “submissive” and patriarchal. When in reality, these men enjoy taking advantage of poverty and conflate their colonizer-like behavior with their ability to successfully provide. For the sex tourist eager to meet women on his trip, they will enjoy the idea of being able to control their experience and will often fantasize about it. This is an important part to keep in mind because much of this fetish is about fantasy fulfillment.

“ Yeah. It got wild. Mm-hmm. I was picking up girls every night. Yeah. Always different ones. Petite ones, chubby ones, older ones, sometimes multiple ladies a night. I, I was outta control. I became insatiable. Yeah. And uh, you know, after about a thousand nights like that, you start to lose it. I started wondering, where am I going with this?

Why do I feel this need to fuck all these women? What is desire? The form of this cute Asian girl. Why does it have such a grip on me? ’cause she’s the opposite of me. Is she gonna complete me in some way? I realized like if a million women, I’d still never be satisfied. Maybe, maybe when I really want is to be one of these Asian girls”

Heterosexual Crossdressers are typically very fixated on the roles they’re expected to play within the context of relationships. Most of them will present themselves in a way that would make the truth of their crossdressing shocking to most people who know them personally. These are not often men who seem feminine at all, or even “metrosexual”. Perhaps the closer you get to them, the more you’ll recognize how curated their masculinity is; but to the passer-by, these men will appear to be the quintessential masculine, heterosexual man. When I was living in Valencia while going to Cal Arts, I knew a handful of men like this. One man, I briefly discuss at the start of my video about Josh Seiter.

While I was at Cal Arts, I met this guy online. He was your quintessential masculine, heterosexual suburban dude. He had a nice beard, a masculine body that he cultivated, a lifted truck, a wardrobe full of Affliction T-shirts and cargo pants. He was staunch about his attraction to only the most feminine and “passable” transsexual women.

One day he, like many locals from the Valencia community, decided to crash a Thursday night gallery party and when I walked up to him and said hello, the color left his face. He freaked out, turned heel and ran away from me. He physically removed himself because he was ashamed of anyone knowing that we had any connection with each other. I was earlier in the days of my medical transition and it was very hurtful at the time. I took it very personally until I found a separate profile of his. I knew it was him from his unmistakable facial features. This persona was the complete opposite of the man I’d known. She was an indiscriminate slut who enjoyed being used. She wrote extensively about her experiences servicing multiple men and how was was good at it; built for it, even. And for whatever reason, she was a huge fan of the British Broadcasting Company. Don’t know what that’s about, but apparently watching their programming turned her into a “sissy”.

While I’m sure she, well I guess he, could have had a tender relationship with a man, it didn’t seem like that’s what got him off. Everything was degrading, abusive and painful. It was shocking to me, but also made me recognize that perhaps what I’d experienced from him was a crack in his matrix. I had been a person that was compartmentalized in the black and white world he’d established for himself. These personas were meant to stay separate.

“ Really,

you know? Uh, not really. No. Really, really. So one night I took home, some girl turned out to be a lady boy, which I hadn’t done before, but this time instead of fucking a lady boy, the lady boy fucked me.”

Not all heterosexual crossdressers have relationships with transgender women, but many of them do. Quite often, they will see transgender women as more open-minded and more likely to accept them as crossdressers. As I’ve always been attracted to masculine men, I often end up rejecting these crossdressers who often get to know me a bit in their male persona before revealing their female persona, which is almost always hyper-sexualized.

One thing that stands out to me about these heterosexual crossdressers is that, quite often, they become very abusive when you reject them if you’re a transgender woman. I find that many heterosexual crossdressers see transgender women as being able to shift between roles more freely, even if those transgender women don’t actually have that fluidity. Quite often they have the expectation of bottoming for a transgender woman, which means to be the receptive partner in the dynamic.

“ And it was kind of magical. And I got in my head. What I really wanted was to be one of these Asian girls getting fucked by me and to feel that,

uh, so I put out an ad looking for a white guy my age, come over and fuck me. I found a guy looked a lot like me. Then I put on some lingerie and perfume made myself look like one of these girls, and I thought I looked pretty hot”

If I were to guess, he certainly didn’t look like one of those girls, but he genuinely believed he did. He likely wouldn’t have chosen a transgender woman who hadn’t reached a certain level of femininity and passability, but in his mind, he’s pulling it off flawlessly after just one night of crossdressing.

These men quite often have a very curated idea of what a woman should look like and how she should present herself. As they put themselves together, they’ll often imagine that in all actuality, they’re able to emulate a degree of femininity that even most women can’t. Don’t get me wrong, there are some drop dead gorgeous crossdressers who are absolute knockouts regardless of their relationship with gender, but these men often have these ideas about gender expression that relate very specifically to their idealized preference in women. Quite often these men believe that modern women have lost touch with femininity to some degree. Many of the heterosexual crossdressers I’ve known idealize a particular type of 1980s high femme, sex doll femininity that today, many women would find tacky or outdated. They often pursue sex workers because they get to experience a more curated version of hyper femininity; one they can often customize themselves.

“ and then this guy came over and railed the shit outta me. And then I got addicted to that. Some nights three, four guys would come over and rail the shit outta me. Some I even had to pay. And at the same time, I’d hire an Asian girl to just sit there and watch the whole thing. I’d look in her eyes while some guy was fucking me and I’d think I am her and I’m fucking me.

Heterosexual Crossdressers will very often, but not always, engage in risky sexual activity with men; often on the down low. Quite a few heterosexual crossdressers I’ve interacted with are married or have girlfriends. They often keep what they are doing from their partners and I’d honestly say that’s part of what turns them on.

These men do not typically want partners who embrace their crossdressing and their sexual activity with men, but some will eventually mature to a point where they can accept these desires as part of them, have open communication with their partner and perhaps explore sex with a third man together as a unit. This approach is typically healthier, but for many crossdressers the secret is part of what excites them.

As I said, these are typically men who appear to be your typical hypermasculine dudes more often than not. This means they’re pretty invested in maintaining that image, and for many of them, living this sort of double life is exciting. These men often enjoy stealing their partners clothing and wearing it during their excursions with men. It would excite them less if their partners were aware of it. These men are often terrified of being found out, but that’s also part of why it excites them so much to do it and get away with it. I’ve known many crossdressers with unaware partners.

Very often, these men are crossdressing because they feel as if doing so is degrading. As I said, with consent, there’s really nothing wrong with degradation as a kink, but I’ve found that for many heterosexual crossdressers their desire for humiliation and degradation is tied directly to how they view women.

As I said, heterosexual crossdressers often have a very black-and-white way of viewing a man and a woman’s role in a relationship. To them, a man’s role is to dominate, and a woman’s role is to be dominated and degraded. For that reason, they often see feminine gender expression or articles of “women’s” clothing as indications of sexual submission. A typical women’s tank top will become sissy gear, only to be worn while degraded. If these men do enjoy being dominated by women, they will always want to be in control of exactly how it happens. For many of these men, women are meant to simply play a role and they often chastise them for not being able to if they can’t.

“ Hey, we all our Achilles, he man, you know, where does it come from? Why are some of us attracted to the opposite form? Man, some of us the same. Sex is a poetic act. It’s a metaphor. Metaphor for what are we are forms. Am I a middle aged white guy on the inside too, or inside? Could I be an Asian girl?”

It’s very easy to believe that heterosexual crossdressers may be repressed transgender women, and sometimes that may be true. For some transgender women who begin their lives with a season of engaging in patriarchal programming, it may be challenging for them to see themselves beyond a cis-hetero lens. Many transgender women never recognize themselves as transgender until they meet a transgender woman and recognize that it’s possible for them to live differently. So some transgender women may initially think that they share commonality with crossdressers. However, with time they feel affirmed by their feminine expression and may eventually recognize that some of their attraction to women is actually envy, or vise versa. To my understanding, this is a very common emotion many queer folks experience. Do I want to date her or do I want to be her?

However, most of these men will not only remain men but will enjoy the ability to maintain more than one persona. I met most of these men when I lived in Orange County, a place where people are a bit more invested in image and gender norms. Most of these men had a hypermasculine life that they cultivated, enjoyed, and preferred. While they may indeed have cultivated a crossdressed persona, it’s a closely kept secret of theirs, one that never leaves the bedroom. One they don’t fully identify with.

My impression is many heterosexual male crossdressers have expendable income, but that may just be my environment. Some of them will invest a lot of money into tucking gaffs, breast forms, lingerie, and even silicone body suits that give them the shape of a curvaceous woman. They’re truly willing to invest in gear that gives them the sexual experience they desire. Crossdressing gear is a huge industry and there are many niche online market places that cater to men who have this fetish. Some of these websites also service the transgender community who may see many of these things as gender affirming.

 ”Right? I don’t know.

I guess I was trying to fuck my way to the answer.

Then I realized I gotta, I gotta stop the drugs, the girls, the, you know, trying to be a girl. I got into Buddhism, which is all about, you know, spirit purses form detaching from self, getting off the never ending. Carousel of lost and suffering. Being sober isn’t so hard

being s it though. That’s, I still miss that buzzy man.

Yeah.”

It isn’t terribly uncommon for Heterosexual Crossdressers to engage in their risky activity with men while on hard drugs. Meth is a very popular substance often exchanged for sex on apps like Grindr. For some men hard drugs allow them to slip into a headspace where they can give themselves permission to do these things. Some may even start to believe that the drugs are actually the thing that causes them to have these desires. This behavior is often compulsive. Even if they do eventually stop engaging with it, it may just be for a season. It’s not uncommon for these men to be deeply religious or from families that are.

Frank sharing this with Rick was incredibly intimate, and I think that the audience should sense, from this interaction, just how down Frank is for him. In a way, he shared what is likely the most embarrassing thing about himself with Rick. Their relationship is incredibly close. They are brothers.

Heterosexual Crossdressers are quite often men with conservative leanings. Sure, some of them are on the left, but I have definitely found that these things go hand in hand with conservative politics that leave very little room for a wider expression of gender. In many ways, this is almost a fetish that people develop because of how committed they are to the gender binary.

Misogyny is at the core of many men who have this fetish and I find that men who’ve examined their relationship with masculinity quite often outgrow this fetish if they have it. Frankly, much of it is informed by a maladaptive relationship with women. Much of it stems from their imagined relationships with women or resentment for their previous relationships not fitting into a particular, patriarchal mold. These men may often believe that their previous relationships didn’t work out because their partners weren’t “feminine” enough. They may believe they’ve struggled to find positive and productive relationships with women because modern women have become too “masculine”. I want to be clear that Heterosexual Crossdressers can feel a wide range of emotions and many may not feel exactly as I’ve described here, but they quite often fall into the patterns I’ve described in this post that are so beautifully outlined by this monologue.

I think that White Lotus is one of those shows that is quite well-written. It sheds light on certain aspects of humanity that aren’t frequently seen through such an honest and uncomfortable lens. It’s genuinely one of the most intriguing shows I’ve seen in a while, and I think that if you’re not watching this season, if you’ve got the stomach for it, it’s worth watching!