The internet is seemingly obsessed with a new word; “Demure”. TikTok superstar, Jools Lebron’s newest viral audio invites you into her inner monologue, where she reveals the steps she takes to ensure that she always remains “demure and mindful”. The first video I saw featured her speaking about wearing a very polite beat to work.

“You see how I come to work? Very demure, very mindful!”

It resonated with me, and I wasn’t the only person who immediately appropriated “demure” into their lingo. Soon I was seeing everyone upload their own versions, about their own personal lives each starting with some variation of “you see how I…”. Creators across genre were all talking about “being demure”. There were nurses, military men, educators and even the Kamala Harris campaign all using this viral audio by a transgender woman. Jools Lebron is predominately known for her humorous and honest makeup reviews, and her infectious sense of humor draws her now 1.2 million followers in. It made me very happy to see her go viral and have her moment, however, there’s a bit of debate about who exactly created this viral trend.

Trap Seleyna is also a popular transgender creator and recently she took to TikTok to argue that she was actually the original demure girl with a video she posted several years before Jools’ video took off. The video, which has since been deleted, includes Selyna describing her body as “petite and demure”. A decidedly more literal use than the very ironic way it’s being used now. However, she’d take to social media to make her argument.

This of course encouraged a lot of debate on Tiktok, which eventually led to Selyna deactivating her account. Watching this go down, was quite frustrating as I felt that many of these creators were pulling from their own experiences, especially as trans women of color. To me, these videos externalize an internalized narrative we all have. One that is, at times serious, like Selyna, and occasionally ironic, like Jools.

Another popular trans woman of color, Devin Halbal, who herself has several older videos saying the phrase, offered up a more moderate approach.

I’ve always loved Halbal’s lovely attitude and how widely celebrated she is in Asia. It was an absolute joy seeing her get swarmed with love and acceptance as a trans woman of color!

There’s an ongoing debate about how frequently things created by black and brown folks that are unique to them have been taken, twisted, erased and universalized. One could argue that’s what’s happening with this demure trend with some videos featuring the meme not at all mentioning Jools Lebron. However, watching this trend grow organically, it was interesting to see it resonate with those who are not transgender women of color .

To me, it’s clear that these trans women of color are pulling from their own internal monologues that often include a lot of anxiety about existing in public space as a transgender woman. For the trans feminine, “demurity” may be a feeling you internalize perhaps as you’re trying to sort out your feminine gender performance. “Passing” for many trans women is important and a huge aspect of that for some transgender women is never doing too much. You don’t want to paint yourself like a drag queen, oh no, you want to paint yourself in a soft, demure and real way. For many trans women, gender euphoria is in that sweet spot between just enough, but not too much. However, beyond how transgender women may relate to the phrase, I think it pokes at a common anxiety we all have about existing in public, while navigating the expectations others may have of us, and it’s unsurprising to me that a transgender woman would be able to call this. I think transgender women of color deal with these conversations with slightly more intensity than cis people.

One very notable difference between both Jools and Selyna is their approach to body positivity. Jools quite regularly describes herself as a “torta”, a popular slang term that refers to larger women. A lot of her content is about her embracing herself as a larger person, whereas Selyna’s original use of demure was about her being small and skinny, and tonally it also sounds like a brag. I’ve followed Selyna for quite some time and I know that she often feels as though she’s been wronged by others and frankly, she has reasons to feel that way. However, what I think all of these trans women are missing is that they are likely very loosely referencing Venus Xtravaganza.

““The thing that helped me make most money in the escort service is being that I’m so little, so petite. I’m so tiny. The blonde hair and the light skin, the green eyes and little features… the clients hand will be bigger than my hand while they were holding my hand or something. They like feeling like they’re with something perfect and little and not someone that’s bigger than them””

Paris is Burning has left a lasting impression on how many transgender women across the country, and even the world communicate through shared language and culture. You got dolls (transgender women) from Paris talking like the dolls from New York, largely because of the influence of Paris is Burning and various things inspired by it such as Ryan Murphy’s Pose. I think for me, this may have been one of the first times I’ve heard a trans woman vocalize this celebration of herself as soft and delicate, especially in a way that related to her sharing intimacy with others. Frankly, I think the queer kids of today do not really understand the immense impact of Paris is Burning. It was one of the very first times I was ever exposed to ballroom culture and I’ve seen it influence a lot of today’s queer culture and lingo.

Most of Jools Lebron’s content about being demure relates to these sort of false dichotomies we buy into about being a good, productive, healthy or impressive person. Demurity is a performance many of us intimately know is based upon the often false dichotomies we buy into or validate. One of her videos a describes ordering a salad instead of going to Wingstop after work because that’s “demure”; and some users shared that making fun of a thought we all often have, actually did encourage them to make healthier choices. What I’ve loved about “demure” is it also doubles as a way of encouraging self care, however you may personally define it. For example, wrapping a blunt after you’ve smoked one the night before can be “very demure, very” because you know when you’re in a bad mood the next day, you’re not gonna wrap a new one. Your past self taking care of your future self, that’s “demure”. Satirically, ordering a Diet Coke after an ordering a pizza is “demure”. Technically, it’s “healthier”, but not really; and yet we still make little choices like that and allow it to make us feel a bit better about others who make other choices. Satirizing that false dichotomy has clearly been a source of catharsis for some people who make this content.

The girl with the natural beat isn’t actually more productive at work than the girl with the green smokey eye, but in a society that stigmatizes hyper-femininity and takes it as less serious, we often allow ourselves to buy into that false assumption. To me, the power of these videos is that it draws attention to the false dichotomies we buy into and encourages us to laugh at them and I think we really need that right now.