Understanding that the personal is political has taken me a very long time. Being one of the only black and trans creators on YouTube, I was under immense pressure to be overtly political. To lend my voice. To stand up for what’s right. To inform and to educate. And I’ve done that for many years, but it became exhausting. It slowly depleted me of my passion, and I needed to recalculate myself as the tides turned and more people picked up the slack. As I started to see more faces that looked like mine and more people who had a similar experience with gender as myself, I realized that I could start… having fun. I could create content about the things I enjoy or find interesting. And that’s when I landed on film review and critique. I went to film school but had been focusing much of my creative energy on creating overtly political educational content online, and that became overwhelming for me during the pandemic when all we could do was fixate on politics. So, I shifted a bit, and now I have several film reviews on my YouTube channel, some of which are my most popular videos. I realized through these videos that I could create content about films that are still political and that there was a lot of power in being a person who has lived through some of the things people can only experience through these films. So I decided to start reviewing films that have themes I enjoy exploring, and that’s when I began to get the idea for my upcoming series, Movies In My Closet; a retrospective series of queer films I once watched while closeted. My goal with that series is to explore the themes and representations of some of the movies that personally shifted me while also exploring what these films were to other queer folks then and what they currently are now. In preparation for this series, I did a series of much shorter reviews to test out different formats. One of those reviews was of the film Monica, starting Trace Lysette. Of all the films I had more recently reviewed, this was the one I was the most excited about and the most eager to upload. However, once it went live, I would soon hear from Trace Lysette that she was incredibly disappointed in my review. The comment she left on my video would remind me of an aspect of “politics” that I don’t often consider.

Monica is a film about a post-op transgender woman who returns to her hometown to visit the ailing mother who once disowned her for being transgender. As a transgender woman who dealt with her own flavor of being disowned and who recently lost her mother, I knew I wanted to cover it. I immediately made that note when Trace Lysette started posting teasers for the film. I was incredibly excited to see, support, and review the movie, but it had a limited release, and I could not make it to most showings. I kept putting it off as I overwhelmed myself with other projects, and then something happened that made me feel even more connected to the film’s subject matter.

My mother had MS for most of my life. I watched her go from being an active, type A, Harvard graduate who always had control of everything to completely immobile and unable to care for herself. When my family moved to Tucson, Arizona, it became even harder for me to come and visit them. I was already fairly estranged from my family because my very religious father made it clear to me that he didn’t want to see me as myself. So, my relationship with my mother suffered even more. I was close to her as a child but could not be as an adult. So when I heard that she had passed away, I was overwhelmed with grief and resentment. I wanted nothing more than to be able to have a close relationship with her where I could lean on her for advice about the things I couldn’t speak about in front of my religious father, who resented my happiness in my youth. But she was gone before I had the chance to say goodbye, and that’s something I still struggle with. After my mother’s death, I felt more compelled to watch this film and explore its themes, and when I uploaded my review, I prefaced it with an acknowledgment of this being the headspace for which I watched the film. Acknowledging that my feelings may have built an expectation for what I would see.

As I said, my review of Monica is one of several shorter reviews created to test a format that would later be translated into the more extensive, highly produced videos I’m planning for MIMC. For this review, I gave my initial thoughts going into the film and then my thoughts immediately after the movie, and I treated Monica like any other film I’d review. Was it compelling? Was it well done? Was the story well written? Was the acting good? What was the motivation behind the choices made? I answered each of these questions honestly because I believe queer films should be considered the way all films are considered. For Monica, there were a lot of things that stood out to me that I couldn’t ignore. Monica is an excellent character portrait but not a particularly compelling story. I can summarize the entire film in a few sentences, and you will have a solid understanding of the story from beginning to end. Monica comes back home to take care of a mother who once disowned her and doesn’t initially recognize her, and through her mother’s seeming acceptance of her feminine nephew, Monica gets a bit of closure. That is, in essence, the entire film. However, that whole story is packed into the film’s last third. The other two-thirds of the film is this long character portrait of Monica that is full of mostly very similar shots of Trace Lysette that are absolutely gorgeous and well done but do not really move the story forward. When I looked up reviews of the film, a few mentioned that the style of the film overwhelmed it, and I agree. Unlike other reviewers, I was interested in understanding why that is, and my initial thought was that it may have related to Trace Lysette’s wanting to be depicted a certain way. From everything I saw about the film, it seemed like Trace Lysette had a lot of hand in the creation of this film, and typically, when more well-known, iconic queer figures star in projects, they essentially play themselves. From the little I knew of Lysette, I knew that she was very similar to this character, so of course, my initial assumption was that she had a hand in directing how she was portrayed. The third layer of the format I was testing out was to research the director of the film and his motivations and challenge those assumptions. I found the style of the film fascinating and wondered what was behind it.

Looking into the director’s motivations, many of my feelings about the film’s style were clarified. Andrea Pallarro is a fellow Cal Arts Alumni, and when I read that, it made so much sense as this film reminded me of so many I saw at Cal Arts. Pallarro described in a few interviews that his desire with the style was to slowly reveal Monica as a character. When you watch the film, you can see that the camera slowly zooms out of Monica as the film continues. The first shot is very close to her face, and as she gets closer to home, you see more and more of her. Pallarro wanted to create a sense of claustrophobia by shooting in standard definition and filling the composition with closely packed in figures. He did this to develop a sense of unease and insidiousness, and I think he did a great job, as that’s how I felt.

When I looked into this, I realized that the director was incredibly successful to that end, and my reaction to the style of the film was evidence of that. Upon research, I also learned that Monica is based on a friend of his, a transgender woman. Monica was a bit older in the original script but was still eerily similar to Trace Lysette. The character grew up near where Trace Lyestte was raised and was rejected by her family, just like the character. Trace Lysette had a lot of input into the changes made to the character, but was already perfect for the role. She would run off to the city and ultimately do survival sex work to fund their transition. Pallarro was very invested in trying to properly represent a transgender woman, especially a post-op transgender woman who is, as he described, “100% a woman”. And there’s something to be said about the fact that most depictions of transgender women we see are not of post-op transgender women who’ve lived life within their gender for a sizable portion of it. As a trans woman who transitioned a very long time ago, who was stealth in her 20s, and who is now well into her 30s, I do understand the need for that, and as I said, I think that Monica was an excellent depiction of that. Monica is not a character questioning gender or overcoming other’s feelings about her gender. She is a transgender woman whose life has been forged. She has relationships, jobs, and a life similar to those around her. One that isn’t necessarily predicated on her transness. In a lot of depictions of transgender women, there’s an overemphasis on their transness, and this film doesn’t have that, and I appreciated it. However, what struck me was there’s a lot about returning to your childhood home post-transition that would cause it to be a subject that comes up and almost never does. And that’s where the film felt like it was avoiding the subject.

I think one of the issues with where we’re at right now is that we have this incredible desire for a specific type of representation created to inform and educate. As someone who felt compelled to play that role, I can understand how the pressure to do that often doesn’t allow for the freedom or flexibility to create for the sake of creating. Monica moves the needle in that it’s a film starring a transgender woman, about transgender women, and it’s one of the first of its kind in many ways. But it’s also not really a film that I’d tell anyone to watch if they wanted to learn anything about being disowned by your family as a transgender person. It’s not a film that really addresses the depth of how hurtful that can be. We know that Monica is a person who’s struggled, and we know that she is a sex worker, and we can piece together that she likely only became a sex worker because of her mother’s rejection. We know that it’s hard for her to come back home and reconnect with her family and that her family struggles to recognize her, and that’s odd and uncomfortable. Still, we don’t really learn anything that makes us empathize with these characters because we learn very little about them. Because this film was on an international circuit, it lacks dialogue, and I understand why. But there were so many nuances that were left unsaid. One of the scenes I liked that kinda did this is when Monica looks at photos of her brother’s wife wearing their mother’s wedding dress. There’s a part of Monica that feels hurt by the fact that this classic tradition of a mother giving her wedding dress to her daughter isn’t one that she can participate in because of who she is. In a house full of history and past artifacts, many things could contextualize her feeling of disconnection from her family, but those things are barely explored. But that goes back to the issue of whether or not that’s what this film is trying to do. It’s what I, as a trans woman, wanted the film to do so desperately, but that isn’t the story the film is trying to tell. I suppose that’s the interesting place this film sits; its representation feels more robust behind the camera.

These are all the things I expressed in my review, but the review format was a bit sloppy. I shared my honest feelings before recontextualizing them with my research that would shift my perspective and assumptions. I ultimately concluded that the film had good qualities but was for an artsier audience. As I said, it’s hard for me to suggest this film to a person trying to understand more about trans people. Still, as a slice-of-life film with gorgeous visuals and a creative photography direction, I think it would be interesting to study. Those were my honest conclusions after gathering as many facts as I could. Trace Lysette would ultimately see my review and wasn’t very happy about it. This is the comment she left on my video.

“I typically don’t defend my work online but it is clear to me that you are projecting a different idea for a similar movie that you would have rather seen onto this one. You have made some inaccurate assumptions about me, also. Mainly, an actor at my level does not have any say so on the directors shots and angles unless maybe in a sex scene. You referenced my looks so many times in this video, which is very telling and shallow. The aspect ratio was tight on purpose to dial in the performances and give the feeling of feeling trapped. There is a reason this film is (barely) in the awards conversation and what a rarity that is for our community. People are talking about the performances in a positive light because it’s hard to reach an audience without dialogue, and the framing left zero room to phone anything in. Also, the quote from overseas press was probably not even my exact wording but when you are doing a whirlwind marathon of a press junket in a foreign country and trying to convey things to people who may not even speak English well, sometimes the words don’t come out perfect. I’ve always admired you from afar and this is disappointing. Because surely you can understand that if a film like this doesn’t do well then we may never rise in the ranks of Hollywood to a point where any of us have the clout to insist on more trans stories written by trans people, so we can see the full spectrum of our experiences. It’s a miracle that after 7+ years this film even made it out into the world and that most of the critical reception has been positive. Also, my name is Trace… not Tracy… and if you knew me in real life you would know how different this character is from me. You do not know me or where I come from, so don’t act like it. I will continue to do my best to make space for us in Hollywood, and the support from our own community is usually the thing that I fall back on. It’s so much bigger than this one film. I wish you could see that.”

Comment on “Trans Representation Where She’s “100% a woman“

I had a lot of different feelings reading this comment and I’ve actually considered redoing this review simply because I regretted the repeated mispronunciation of her name and the formatting of the review. Many of the things she mentioned in her comment were addressed later in my video, but I understand not watching an entire video to get the full perspective. That’s my failure as a writer, and I’ve since shifted my format. I’m thankful for her comment because it helped me understand how formatting my reviews in that way is often sabotaging the ultimate conclusion being made by my review. However, what I was stuck with is this idea that because I am transgender, I should have thought of the bigger picture and posted an overwhelmingly positive review of this film, despite how I actually felt about it. From my review of Fifty Shades to my review of Bottoms, I’ve always shared my honest feelings about a piece of media. I am not paid to promote these films, I critique them for a living.

She’s right; I could have been more complimentary of her performance as an actor. I think she did a great job with what she was handed, but I can also say that the project didn’t necessarily lend itself to demonstrating the depth of her acting chops. I’m glad she is acting, and I was super excited that she got this role and was the lead. But when I think of memorable acting from the movie and scenes that really made me feel something, I think mostly of her scene with Patricia Clarkson, who plays her mother, where she finally recognizes her. That scene made me cry. I think Trace Lysette did a good job, but I would have to watch the film again to find a specific performance from her that stood out to me as highlighting her talents as an actor. In situations like this, I wonder if I should keep my criticisms to myself, or should I treat queer media like I treat all pieces of media; as being open to criticism and examination. Should I have instead uploaded an overwhelmingly positive review about how excellent the film was and how great it was that a transgender woman was starring in it? I’m not sure I’ve ever really done that.

Frankly, a part of me was regretful for giving my time to create the review. I invested a lot of my time and money into creating it. I paid my editor and researcher and uploaded it while on vacation in San Francisco. I changed my hotel to get high-speed internet and uploaded the video to YouTube and Nebula. To be transparent, my review of this film is the lowest performing of all my recently published reviews, and it would have been easy for me not to do it. Still, I was rooting for Lysette and was determined to do it. Her comments are pregnant with this idea that my criticisms are shallow and uninformed and contribute to this film’s lack of positive reception. When I said “politics” earlier, this is what I meant. I pride myself on living a life where I have remained true to myself and my feelings.

I live a life informed by my radical decision to not live for others. I don’t “play the game” like many other creators do. And that’s perhaps why I’ve had fewer opportunities and don’t get invited to certain things. While that sucks, I know that I am, as my mother used to say, someone who can’t hold water. I’m not going to be a person who pretends something is great, so I get invited to certain things or included in certain groups. I look at my life now, a life very far from the conservative, vanilla, monogamous, normative life I once lived, and I know I’m happier for it. So, I suppose I don’t have the impulse to withhold my true feelings about something simply to gain favor or benefit a community I belong to. But I’m also someone who doesn’t want to hurt others. I don’t want my reviews to hurt more vulnerable people. And perhaps Trace Lysette, because she is transgender, is a more vulnerable person who should not be criticized as it may harm her.

I resent the impression some have, from conversations about oppression, that the work of an oppressed person should not be criticized. I resent it because I hear the upspeak and coddled tones in which certain people engage with me, and it doesn’t feel like I’m being respected as an equal but politely pandered to and othered. This draws a line between what I create and what others create, where I’m being given a participation trophy while others are being seriously considered for the award. It may satiate my latent desire to be celebrated but also ensures I’m always outside of the running. I have my thoughts about Monica because I treated it the way I treat every other film. Frankly, one of the reasons why I was surprised by the almost exclusively positive coverage is because it comes off, to me, like coverage by people not very invested in the film as a film. To be clear, I will be supporting the film and rooting for Trace Lysette’s win because I think it would be historic, and I’m excited to see trans women win, regardless, but I’m also not going to act like the only things I have to say about the film are positive. Monica is a film that takes itself very seriously, so I took it very seriously and responded with a thoughtful, multi-layered critique. I felt very connected to the film’s subject and wanted to support Trace Lysette, so out of respect, I didn’t dumb down my approach to mindlessly say “slaaaaaayyy” because of who’s in the film and what it’s about. To me, part of us increasing representation and visibility should be treating queer media the way we treat all media. Not making exceptions for it.

Ultimately, my review, which only reached 34k people, will not tip the scales in any meaningful direction for this project and I’m well aware that while I could have worded aspects of my review differently, I am no where near harsh or unforgiving. I think it’s completely possible to be critical of something while still liking and supporting it. I refuse to buy into the false dichotomy that says that my criticisms mean I do not want to see more films with transgender women as leads and that criticism of equates to a lack of success for the film. I’m just one person and just because I felt a certain way about the film, doesn’t mean other people won’t. I dislike so many things people absolutely love, and I didn’t dislike Monica, I just didn’t love it the way I wanted to. Monica is NOT a bad movie, and it’s a film that I firmly believe deserves award consideration. My review is the most viewed on YouTube as of now. It’s also one of my lowest performing videos of late. That isn’t a great indication of the buzz around this film. I guess I understand why Trace Lysette would comment on my video and express her disappointment with my review not being entirely positive, but I am liberating myself from the pressure to follow a particular narrative to maintain a specific line. If you haven’t seen Monica, it’s worth checking out, and I will be rooting for Trace Lysette to win because I know she’s worked incredibly hard for very little pay and recognition, and that’s worth supporting. But I look forward to her growth as an actor in future projects.