(Blog thumbnail is a photograph of Nathan and I by my friend, @Mypolyamlife)
Despite TikTok’s controversies, its algorithm excels at connecting me with other transgender content creators. As a long-time transgender content creator, I’ve often felt like I was on my own, having these conversations by myself, and it’s been nice to know that I’m not alone. Frequently, we use the internet to start conversations about our interpersonal relationships, and transgender women often feel misunderstood when it comes to their pursuit of romance. It’s for that reason that I’ve spoken openly about my romantic life, often sharing the good, the bad, and the ugly. Recently, I shared some of what I think is my best dating advice for transgender women, using the content of TikTok creators to frame my advice, while sharing what I’ve learned from my own romantic pitfalls. While my polyamory may not exactly be relevant to most of my readers’ personal lifestyles, I figured I would share what I’ve learned about dating men that’s led me to long-term partnerships I once thought were completely impossible for transgender women. I wanted to summarize and expand upon some of what I said in that video in this blog post.
Now that I’m 35, I’ve spent much of my life dealing with men who are interested in transgender women. Over the years, I’ve noticed patterns in how these men act, and I feel it’s important to be honest about what I’ve seen. If you’re a trans woman new to dating men, you should know that some men seek out trans women because they think we have lower self-esteem and are easier to manipulate. In a society that puts men first, women’s needs often get pushed aside. Men may say what they think you want to hear just to get what they want, and their needs usually come first. I’ve had times where I gave myself to someone and was left wondering why he didn’t follow through on his promises. Some straight men act like they’re doing you a favor by giving you attention. They enjoy the experience of a woman vying for his attention. Most men never experience that. Often, men who are ignored by cis women end up being pursued by trans women. Sometimes, all a man has to do is act a little masculine and straight, and that alone makes him desirable to trans women. I remember when some Men’s Rights Activists questioned if trans women were a real long-term option in a world where they claimed women had “lost” their femininity. Men who say they prefer trans women often claim it’s because we’re “more” feminine than cis women. My advice is: don’t let that go to your head.
Misogynistic Chaser Triangulation: “You’re More Feminine Than Most Women”
The Facial Femmes recently talked about how, when they share their dating experiences with their straight, cisgender friends, they often get questioned about the sexuality of men who are attracted to transgender women. While there are many bisexual people who want to date and love trans women, in my experience, most men who are interested in me identify as straight. Despite what some people think, straight men make up most of the dating pool for transgender women, and dating them often means dealing with their ideas about their own sexuality. Some men claim to prefer trans women, but still date cis women and often end up in relationships with them. Straight men might say they only dated a cis woman because you weren’t around, but usually, they’re with her because they want to be, and oftentimes, they are gaining something from the relationship. When most of your options are straight men, it’s hard not to notice how many use women to keep up appearances. Even men who say they prefer trans women are often already with a cis woman they don’t plan to leave. Many trans women meet closeted or “DL” men who don’t want anyone to know they’re with a trans woman, even though they claim to prefer us. When I started insisting that men take me out on real dates, it weeded out those who only wanted something casual. It helped me see who was serious and who wasn’t. I learned that actions matter more than words. Once you’re confident enough not to take it as a compliment when someone says you’re more feminine than a cis woman, you start to see that these men are using misogyny and hoping you’ll accept it.
At first, being objectified can feel validating, especially if you’re a trans woman who hasn’t faced much direct misogyny before. It’s easy to see catcalling in movies and think it’s a compliment when someone whistles at you. But in real life, it’s much more harmful. Catcalling comes from a sense of entitlement, not genuine interest. When men say things like, “smile, sweetheart,” they’re asking you to please them, even if you’re unhappy. Misogyny can seem normal because it’s so common, so I understand why some trans women might not notice it in compliments that compare them to cis women. But to me, it’s not subtle at all. These comments are really about valuing women for how they look to men, and many men aren’t shy about their misogyny. It’s important for trans women to notice when their partners are being misogynistic, because misogyny is at the root of transphobia. Men who say trans women are more attractive than cis women often believe only those who appeal to straight men are truly women, and this idea was even used in the past to decide who got medical care. Misogynistic men are often abusive, and when they try to get you to agree with their views, they’re trying to separate you from other women.
I believe it’s crucial for trans women to understand misogyny, because it affects us too. It was disappointing to hear The Facial Femmes accept this way of thinking, but I know it’s a common phase for many trans women. Chasers often give too much praise because they know many trans women are hungry for validation. If you let it go to your head, you become easier to manipulate. Men who say they prefer you because you don’t have periods or are “better” at femininity are being dishonest and misogynistic. It’s not about your looks, but about their hope that you’ll dislike other women and not notice their manipulation. That’s an insult to your intelligence, and it says a lot. There are many glamorous cis women who are great at presenting femininity, but they usually have higher self-esteem and higher standards, which is why some men turn to trans women, hoping for less effort. Too many amazing trans women settle for less just to feel validated.
The Power Dynamic of Disclosure: How Our Objectification Disrupts Patriarchy
Samantha Evangelista’s open conversation with a man attracted to trans women touched on the common conflict transgender women face in a culture where objectification is so normal that just being in a room as a woman who isn’t appealing to a straight man can be dangerous. She shares her own experiences with this in nightlife, and in my video, I tell a short story about a man who got angry with me when he suspected I was transgender, and I didn’t tell him because I wasn’t attracted to him.
Not long ago, some cis women were sharing a “hack” to get men to leave them alone. The idea was to tell men you’re transgender so they would be repulsed and walk away. When I saw this online, it annoyed me because I know from experience that it doesn’t always work that way. If you look cis, men might think you’re lying, just like when women say they have a boyfriend to get men to leave them alone. If they do believe you, many cis women would be surprised by how few men actually care when they’re attracted to you. It’s also not true that telling a man will protect you from sexual assault. In my experience, it’s often after I tell a man I’m transgender that he becomes more sexually aggressive. When Ron Jeremy sexually assaulted me, he put his hand on my crotch and felt around before assuming I was telling the truth. There are many misconceptions about how men react to this information. Still, it’s true that most heterosexual men feel anxious about finding out that a woman they’re attracted to is transgender.
In my video, I share a story about a man I wasn’t attracted to who got upset with me for being transgender because he was attracted to me. My rule is that I don’t want to be intimate with anyone who doesn’t know I’m transgender. This is not just for my safety, but also for my own sexual happiness. Straight men often think trans women are trying to “trick” them, and many truly believe that the main reason transgender women transition is to satisfy men’s sexual desires. This idea comes from a misogynistic culture that sees femininity as existing only for men. That’s why men often comment on how much makeup a woman wears and whether it’s pleasing to men, as if that’s what matters. Because many men can’t imagine a woman existing without wanting to be desired by men, trans women often have to explain that they don’t exist just for men’s attention. This leads to the assumption that transgender women’s gender expression is always sexual. Of course, this is also a common assumption about feminine gender expression in general, but in a patriarchal culture, it is seen as a unique violation for someone assigned male at birth to be feminine enough to be objectified by a heterosexual man. So trans women are seen as uniquely predatory in a culture that doesn’t want to stop objectifying women.
The story I share in the video comes from my current stage of polysaturation, where I feel I have as many partners as I can handle. For the most part, I’m not interested in meeting new men for romantic or sexual connections, and if I were, this guy wouldn’t have been a good fit. What surprised me was that even after I told him I wasn’t interested and didn’t find him attractive, he was still upset that I didn’t introduce myself as Kathryn, The Transsexual. When he showed interest in me, he was really using me to boost his masculinity in front of others. This happens to me a lot because I’m a bit of a lone wolf when I’m not with my partners. Men often approach me, and some even ask for my number; not because they’re truly interested, but because they want to look good in front of others. In these situations, I’m expected to play along, be agreeable, and make them look good in a group. Men have often made me feel responsible for their image and pressured me to act in ways that make them look better, even if it goes against what I want. When I’ve dated men like this, it meant taking a back seat in my own life. My needs and desires never came first. Trans women are pressured to uphold patriarchy both by men who don’t desire them and want them to out themselves, and by men who do desire them but don’t want to lose the social standing that comes with being seen as a straight, cis man. He might say he’s angry with me for not telling him, but really, he’s upset that he objectified me in public and now his friends know he’s attracted to more than just cis women. He blames me, but it’s not actually my fault.
My partner, Alexander, did not know that I was transgender when we met, and he wouldn’t find out until I made a Facebook post referencing it before our first date. When I had a conversation with him about it on the second date, I was relieved that he didn’t care, but I also wasn’t hiding it; I just wanted to be clear with him because I was interested in pursuing a long-term relationship. While I am no longer stealth, the reality is that it’s impossible to know me and not eventually find out that I’m trans. The idea of dating a person long-term, who doesn’t know, is, in my opinion, a delusional fantasy not frequently found in reality. I can count on one hand the number of conversations Alexander and I have had about me being transgender, but part of being my partner is knowing that about me and accepting it. When you withhold that information while pursuing a relationship with a man, you place yourself in an inequitable position. There have been many times in the past when I pursued a man while trying to convince him of the fact that I am not the embodiment of all the negative conceptions people have of trans women. Suddenly, the relationship would only progress if he could accept that I was just like every other woman. It was an unwinnable game, not because I’m not a woman, but because ultimately it was always something that could be used against me. Playing into that game meant the relationship was no longer mutual, and the most important thing was whether I performed my role correctly. A relationship where your actions are constantly surveilled and measured for value is not one that engenders intimacy.
He’s Gotta Do More Than Take You Out
In my recent video, I shared a clip from trans creator Babygirl Allie, who noticed that the trans men in the hospital she visited seemed to have more success with long-term relationships. Many trans women believe that trans men are more accepted in society than trans women. I don’t fully agree with this, but I can see how cis women partnered with trans men might be more supportive in the hospital than cis men who date trans women. Many cis women have experienced getting sick and having their partners pull away, not being as present as they hoped. From what I’ve seen, cis men raised in a patriarchal environment are more likely to see women as a utility, which is why they often pull away when things get inconvenient. On the other hand, women are often raised to believe that caretaking is their responsibility. I’ve noticed that cis women are often more open to dating trans people of any orientation than cis men. In the past, I’ve thought my romantic life would be easier if I dated women, because it seemed like cis women were more comfortable dating me than cis men. I believe that since cis women don’t benefit from patriarchy the way cis men do, the stigma they face is different and often less severe. I’ve also known many cis men dating trans men, and most of those men identified as straight and didn’t like that their partner was medically transitioning. When it comes to trans men, I’ve noticed that cis women tend to be more affirming than cis men, and trans men who date cis men often struggle. Beyond that, this made me want to remind everyone that there’s more to choosing a partner than just making sure they’re willing to be seen with you in public.
I dated a married polyamorous guy, let’s call him David. At one point, I probably would have said David was the ideal guy. He took me out on dates, was proud to be with me, and I even met his kids and wife. We dated for quite a while, and I enjoyed most of it, but things changed when the pandemic hit. David is Jewish, and during the first Trump administration, he was afraid of persecution and decided to take his whole family out of the country. He only told me about these plans after he’d already made them, leaving me out. I understood that he would put his wife and kids first, but I was surprised that I wasn’t considered at all. It really bothered me that as he worried about the possibility of genocide, he didn’t think of me, even though I’m at a higher risk. We were fluid-bonded, and I trusted him with my body, but he was willing to leave me behind to save himself. We broke up soon after.
“I refuse to share my body with a man who wouldn’t politically protect it”
– Kat Blaque
When you’re first starting to date, it might seem hard to find men who want to take you out and treat you well, but trust me, you will find them. When you do, remember that you’re valuable enough for that to be the starting point, not the definitive reason to enter into a relationship. I had to date a lot to realize there are plenty of men who are comfortable being seen with me in public and showing we’re attracted to each other. It felt novel to me for longer than it should have. In the end, I realized I needed to be with men who were truly willing to go the distance with me.
Alexander and I started dating right before the pandemic. As I talked with him about this blog and remembered my experience with David, he recalled me venting to him about it back then. Alexander is also married, but he and his wife make a real effort to include me in their life plans. Like David, I’m Alexander’s first transgender partner, but he liked me as a person and was interested in me before he knew that about me. Alexander admired my personality and how I carried myself, and that didn’t change once he knew. During the pandemic, Alexander would visit me, fully masked, and we’d stay socially distant while he brought me groceries and checked in to make sure I was okay during quarantine. Now, we feel a bit nostalgic for that time when we were still getting to know each other, but already cared a lot for each other. When my father died, he paid for Edward and me (my family loves Edward) to go to Boston and handle my dad’s affairs. It might sound basic, but as a trans woman, I’ve often felt it was impossible for a man to value me that much, even in these simple ways. I had to start believing I was worthy of it to receive it.
Edward and I started dating after quarantine, and out of all my partners, he probably does the most for me. When I stepped on a needle and needed it pulled out, he waited with me in the ER for 12 hours. He got up and advocated for me while I was in pain, and held my hand as the doctor removed it. Again, that might sound basic, but I’ve learned that many men will disappear as soon as things get hard and you ask to be treated like a real person.
Sometimes we want relationships before we really think about who we’ll be in them. It’s not a coincidence that my relationships are going well now. I’ve learned that a man who wants you to feel good when he puts down other women will eventually put you down, too. Fetishists can rarely keep up the act for long, and there are plenty of reasons besides being transgender to be careful about sharing intimacy with a man. As you develop a stronger sense of self, you’re more likely to attract partners who add to your life, not take away from it. I believe the key to finding a partner is being content with who you are when you’re single. For transgender women, that might take time, but having a strong sense of self is how you attract the right partners and keep your identity in a relationship. It’s easy to feel left out when you’re not dating like everyone else, but I didn’t find my current partners until I started my journey of self-discovery in LA and began living in a way that felt true to me. I don’t go around announcing that I’m transgender, but it’s not a secret I’m hiding either. By living authentically, no one can use who I am against me.
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